Monday, June 1, 2009

Emotions, emotions, and more emotions...

Today is Monday...the day of the week that Layah came. I decided to work in order to prepare to be off tomorrow until June 9th. I went ahead and went to the dentist on my lunch break, since the original apt was scheduled for tomorrow, and that wasn't gonna happen. I got very upset when I left for the dentist, just remembering the time before last, when I was pregnant with Layah and having problems, and mentioned it to my hygentist who was so sweet. I was able to "stop it" once I got out and into the office for my cleaning today. I was fine even when my sweet dentist, Dr. Deep, asked me how I was feeling, since he'd been told I was pregnant again, and he knew from the last visit that Layah had passed away. It's weird how many times, I can just stop the tears, and move pain to the back of my heart now, at times when I need to. I remember, so vividly, just not being able to stop, not being able to control it. I've thought about her all day today. As I got home from work, the feelings just started pouring out. I didn't imagine that just the anniversary of everything would be so painful, so heartbreaking, so overwhelming. I have some things planned special for her birthday tomorrow. We are going to the cemetery and we have a garden flag we change out for the seasons and holidays. I know it was just a "God thing", but I found one several months after Layah passed, that was a "Happy Birthday" flag. I thought it was kinda strange since I'd never seen one, and it was by itself. We are gonna let Tobi let go of a "Happy !st Birthday" balloon and blow out a birthday candle, and I want him to know that we are celebrating that she is getting to spend her first birthday in heaven, in perfection and with the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. I have lit a white candle a dear friend gave me for Christmas, that I'd decided to use just for this occasion. To describe it as I see it tonight, white, pure, representing life, perfection, holy, and free from the effects of this fallen world, shining when all around is dark-what Christ was and is to us, and now Layah is the same. I've still been worried about Luke, and I know that worry and fear are not of God, so please pray that He will cover me with that peace I felt when Layah was dying. That Peace that passes all understanding. I don't want to be too upset, carrying my precious son.
The devotional today had a verse that I know God wants me to remember, Mark 9:23, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes. " I think that he said the first part for a reason, not if you will believe or if you do believe, but if you CAN. It reminds me of times when Tobi says, "Mama can I ...." and I say, "Tobi say, 'Mama, may I....", because when he says can, we know he has the ability, but the may part is if it's allowed. So I feel like He's telling' me that I do have the ability to believe, however difficult to tap into at times it may be. The other part of the devotion that stuck out at me was a little poem:

Faith looks across the storm-it doesn't doubt
Or stop to look at clouds and things without.
Faith does not question why when all His ways
Are hard to understand, but trusts and prays-Anon.

So today, as I prepare for whatever emotions and feelings come, please pray for my heart to feel full, thankful, full of life and assured that He will not take another child from us. Please continue to pray for health, safety and a long life for Luke. Pray that my womb will keep him in.

My dearest friends and family that were with us when we lost our precious Layah, and those dark days for me that followed, thank you for being there, and lifting us up in prayer-it's the only way we could have made it.

Faithfully His,


1 comment:

  1. Praying for you as you remember and grieve.

    God bless,

    Amber Moore