Friday, June 5, 2009

Better Day

Yesterday I went to my OB for my weekly appointment. ( I will tell you about that visit in a minute).I'm going every week probably until 30 weeks. Wednesday night, at church, during my favorite time-praise and worship- I had, what I feel was, a panic attack. I've only had 1 or 2 in my life. I had done a lot more than usual Wednesday, and just with all the emotions of this week, I think it was just my body and hormones reacting. I did not stand and dance and jump during worship, like I normally love to do. Matt and I sat, and about halfway through the 45 minute worship service, I started to feel my heart race, and my chest feel tight, my abdomen feel tight. I felt short of breath, and like I wanted to run somewhere. I started to cry a bit, but since this is typical of me during praise and worship, Matt didn't get concerned, which was good cause I didn't want to scare him. I honestly thought if it continued, I'd need to go to the maternity triage-maternity ER. I was praying and trying to slow my breathing, and eventually was able to calmly tell Matt, I thought we needed to leave, as I was very tired. He was surprised, because we don't normally get to go to church on Wednesday night, since it's out at the Grantsmill campus, and we'd be out kinda late. I hated to leave because Tobi was having so much fun with his group, and he didn't get to play in the inside play tunnel, which is like what they have at Chick-fil-a and Mcdonald's. I promised him we'd come back again so he could. So, anyway, by the time I got to the van by myself, (Matt had come from work, so Tobi rode home with him), I felt better. I began to just tell Satan aloud that he was not going to continue to put fear worry and anxiety in me, and began just thanking the Lord for all that He's done and continues to do with my pregnancy with Luke. I got home, took a bath, and got in the bed. Thursday morning, I started feeling "that feeling" again, and this time was a bit nauseated. I did a lot of the slow breathing and the heart rasing passed, but the nausea didnt until about 1pm, about an hour before my OB apt. I felt fine then. Dr. Ramsey had his little kids with him at my appointment, which he'd told me about before. His son is Tobi's age, and his daughter is 4. I told him of these events and began to cry, just overwhelmed from this week. He told me that if these spells continued, he'd want me on an anxiety medication, at night. I told him I would wait to get a script, after seeing how the next week went. I know I say this often, but I really love this man. He's so much a part of our family, and I know some of the anxiety was the fact he's moving to TX, and I really dont want to be without him, but I know I'll be in good hands with Dr. Biggio, who wrote the case study on my pregnancy with Tobi, with Dr. Ramsey. I thought this was my last appointment with him, but was thrilled to know I have 2 more weeks to see him. Yesterday, he asked his son if he wanted to to do the Doppler, and so he did, and we heard Luke's heart, just a going- music to all expectant moms' ears. Then he said he was going to show them the baby on an U\S, which I was surprised, since I didn't expect to be having another so soon. So he did it, and everything looked great, but he didn't get to confirm Luke's sex because his legs were crossed, but it was obvious with the last U\S he's all boy. Then he said he wanted to look at my cervix on the U\S, and so he was able to, and was even able to measure the cervix's length. It was the same length as it has been, 3cm long. That gave me more peace as well. I asked him about bed rest and if he anticipated that. He said not unless I began to spot, ( a sign that the stitches were being pulled and vessels in this very vascular area, were being ruptured), cramping or contractions. I told him that I worried that even going to the grocery store might be too much walking, and he assured me that it was not. He just didn't want me going walking around the mall, something like that. He said that since I work at a desk, that he felt I could keep working as long as nothing changes. He said that the walking I do, is necessary to avoid blood clots, which I hadn't thought about. So, that's how the appointment went, uneventful and reassuring.

Today I started out with a migraine, but feel better now after taking some medicine. Mom, Tobi and I went and ate at Red Lobster. When I read today's devotional, titled Adopted, I was encouraged even more. I read Colossians 3:1-3 "Since , then you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your MINDS on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ , who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." So I know that by being adopted as a child of God, receiving the blessings, power, and favor through Christ, not only do I have the ability to be healed by Christ's victory over the grave, but I also have the authority over fear, worry, depression, etc. through the Holy Spirit.
The other night, I read over all the cards I kept that friends and family had sent to me after Layah died. I don't think I really read them, when I read them before. They were all so touching, so loving. It really felt great to know so many reached out to me, during our loss, even if they couldnt relate and didnt know the "right" words. I feel, at times, that many may never think about Layah, that she's forgotten to many, but today I was reminded, by one of my best friends that was there when Layah died, that she is not forgotten. That although no one can truly feel what I feel, many still do remember and think of her. Over these past few days, I've really thought about the relationships that I've gained since going through Layah's life and death, and these friendships are so precious to me. I look forward to these relationships being life long bonds.
As I say often, please continue to pray for Luke's safety, health, and perfect development, and for my mind and body to be complete, and a safe home for Luke.
I also ask that you pray that I will be able to work until 36 weeks, when we expect Luke to be be taken. I dont want any financial stress. I love you all, and want those of you moms that have lot little ones to know that I'm thinking and praying for you too. I love you all.

Faithfully His,


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