Sunday, December 25, 2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS! A New Journey Begins for Us

Today is the day we celebrate our risen Savior's birth. I often think of Mary, being so young, a virgin, pregnant, scared, confused, all the many things she felt physically, emotionally and spiritually. What faith she had! She did not know what to expect, she was a virgin. She had no concept of how her body would change, hormones, and all that goes along with that, yet she , "I'm the Lord's maid, ready to serve". How I pray for that in my heart, however strange, impossible, beyond belief, just the faith, willingness and obedience to say, "Yes Lord. I'm ready to serve You and Your purpose". I have many questions for Mary when we meet one day. I'd like to know how her pregnancy was different with the immaculate conception verses the children she conceived with Joseph. Since Jesus is the "Light of the world", I'd like to know if her womb ever glowed! Could have happened, right? Such a unique, miracle, I'm sure there are things unknown to us of that time, her pregnancy and the birth of Jesus, Him as a toddler, teenager, young adult. Yet He never sinned. Hard to fathom a child growing up never saying, "NO!" or being disobedient, or lying about something He broke, or being mean to His many things the bible doesn't discuss about Jesus' upbringing. I cant wait to hear all about that time.

So, we made our announcement that we are expecting again. I had my IUD out on Luke's birthday, due to the fact that it was in my cervix and not my uterus and I'd been causing me some ovarian cysts, while at the same time, I was having a culposcopy since my pap smear back on my birthday, July 19th, came back abnormal and I had to have a biopsy. So, the plan was to come back and have the IUD replaced. However, although Matt knew, there were a few "times" when this was disregarded. I'm guessing Matt didn't think it would happen so quickly-and honestly nor did I-because we had to try so hard to get pregnant with Luke, doing the ovulation tests, timing it and all just right for about 4 or 5 months. So, upon us discovering I was late, and in fact pregnant, I'd assumed I was only about 6 weeks pregnant because of when I had my last period, but boy was I off. Veronica, my most precious nurse/friend left me a message that she 'didn't know how' but that Joey was going to be in clinic for my visit on Tuesday, 12/20 @ 12:20! That was all God. THEN I got there and after we caught up and I had my exam and went for the ultrasound, the tech discovered that I was not six weeks, but rather 9.1 weeks!! I couldn't believe it, but it did make sense considering I felt like as soon as I'd seen the positive pregnancy test, my clothes in my tummy didn't fit! Also, I told Joey that my headaches had already started, which I'd thought had started towards the end of my first trimester with Luke, and once the tech confirmed the gestation, it made sense cause I was towards the end of the first trimester. Our due date is July 23rd, and if you haven't already heard, the 23rd is a very significant number for us. Here's the list:

my mom's birthday, May 23rd
my dad's birthday, June 23rd
my brother's birthday January 23rd
I was born on July 19th, BUT was born at 1:23am
we grew up on 2304 4th street
I have 23 in my ssn
my BCBS employee number has 23 in it
I was married and had Tobi at 23 years old
Tobi weighed 2 lbs 3 oz
Our first house was at exit 231 in Calera
Our house now is number 230
Layah was born at 23 weeks

So, this is a big deal! Although, that would be the 40 week marker, and I'll most likely go between 38-39 weeks, it's still a pretty awesome 'wink' from the Lord. I truly feel that this is a girl, after all, that vision I had before Layah was born, I truly believe it was to be interpreted exactly what I saw, however, if it was to mean something else, and this is a boy, I'm okay with that too. After all, we have tons of boy stuff, and clothes. It would save a lot of money! Ironically that's what I'm concerned about most. Not that I will have another preemie, but rather that the cost of 2 at Bright Horizon's will be more than we can afford. I'm praying hard that the Lord will bless us and either give Matt the promotion that is a possibility for him, or that either Mom or Matt's parents will offer us to take care of the baby for the first year, as that would be a tremendous help. I just have to leave it in the Lord's hands. So we have the cerclage scheduled for January 10th. It was awfully soon from when I expected, but we'll do it then. I wasn't gonna wait till that Friday and do it on Friday the 13th! So, this year, we pray for several things: this baby to stay in me until SHE is full term, Matt will get his promotion and will stay clean and sober and his desire for the Lord will continue to grow and he'll just dive into the Word and be just consumed with it, that Derok will be wise, have a spirit of discernment and will be sensitive to the Lord's prompting and guidance regarding Christi, and that the Lord will prepare our finances and the day care situation for our baby.

Faithfully His,

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Great I Am - New Life Worship



by Jared Anderson (Integrity
I wanna be close, close to your side

So heaven is real and death is a lie,
I wanna hear voices of angels above singing as one.

Hallelujah, holy holy
God Almighty, Great I Am
Who is worthy, None beside Thee
God Almighty, Great I Am

I wanna be near, near to Your heart
Loving the world, hating the dark
I wanna see dry bones living again, singing as one
the mountains shake before You, the demons run and flee,
At the mention of the name King of Majesty,
There is no power in hell, or any who can stand
Before the power and the Presence of the Great I Am, the Great I Am

The Great I Am, The Great I Am, The Great I Am, The Great I Am

This song we have sung at church both Sunday and tonight. It's very powerful. I had to register to access it but it is so well worth it. I am hoping that they will get it published so I can buy it. I've decided that 'The Great I Am' will be apart of my next tattoo on my forearm. I want it in English while the 'Eashoa Msheeka' means 'THE LIFE GIVER' AND 'ANOINTED ONE' I just feel so led to have this on my person. I may even add too it later. I have known HIM as so many things and to share that with others I feel is important, not just with my mouth, but with my body. More to come on the size and the color. :)

I love you Lord.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011


This picture was taken while we were at the beach celebrating Layah's birthday. These were at our condo's lazy river, on the center island. As my friend Dana calls these times, 'Kisses from the King"

I heard a girl's testimony that Dana had read me some the other day from one of her teacher's at Oak Mountain. The woman had twin boys ten years ago, but one of them, James, (coincidentally like Dana's 'James') hadn't made it. In what was read, I felt that she had a perspective of losing her son, that was exactly how I feel for Layah. Basically, she said that all parents want their children to become successful in life and do great things and to be happy. So what if our children, that stepped into eternity so quickly, his/her purpose was to help direct someone, even just one person's path to salvation? How much more successful can a life be?....leading someone else to eternity with our Lord and Savior? What if our stories of our brief time with our children, our loss, our hurt, our grief, our pain, yet our Hope and Peace and strengthened faith and passion to help comfort other moms to grow in our own walk....was directing some one's path towards salvation, knowingly or unknowingly? What if it was bringing a believer in pain the reassurance of Hope that they'd forgotten through their own trials? I would say that being a part of that story, a part of that testimony makes our children's lives more successful and important than many that live for decades and accomplish very little that matters in eternity. I truly believe that if I continue to share my story, our story, of Tobi, Layah, Luke, and maybe a child to come, that that is fulfilling Layah's life and possibly mine!

So, we had a great trip to the beach, along with mom, celebrating both Layah's short life and also Granny's long and wonderful life, yet both seemed too short to us. Seeing the little girls in their little bathing suites with their wet pigtails or ponytails giggling and splashing about made me remember just another event that we'd not get to share with Layah, but maybe, just maybe, they were meant for Arwyn. Matt mentioned several times, "you want a little girl don't you? How bad?? really bad?" He wasn't objectionable, just remembering how much that longing for our little girl, that I saw the vision of even before Layah, is still inside me.

I did today going through her things, her hand prints on the tiny cards, her tiny BP cuff, her eye covers for the bili lights, all the things in her memory box that are just sweet reminders of her having been with us. Then I opened her blankets, her beanie bags that held her tiny body in place of my womb, the beanie baby bear that was near her and kept with the blankets sealed in a bag in the closet. I got the bear and out and held it to my nose and smelled like baby lotion-the smell that I last had of her, it covering her. The smell I smelled when they took her and cleaned her and dressed her for me to hold her, without tubes, without monitors, just mommy holding her daughter. I just lost it and wept. How? How after 3 years can it still smell so strongly? How after 3 years, is the smell of baby lotion not yet bareable for me? But, it is not. I havent had to smell it because I made sure that no one bought any of it for Luke. That smell was not sweet, but a painful reminder of her having been with us only for what seemed like an instant. But as you know, I am glad so many got to meet her and share our time with her and know she was real. She was here with us. And yes, if the Lord asked me, "Mika, if you had to go through everything again, just for the short time you had with her and in order to have Luke, would you do it again?" YES! Yes I would. So, I got through it, and went back into the living room, to my sleeping toddler, my gorgeous, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, precious, mama's boy toddler, Luke. And I remembered, that thought, I would do it all over again, if that's what I had to go through, to be given time with Layah, to have Luke and.......Arwyn too. :)

Faithfully His,


Friday, May 20, 2011


So, I know it's been quite some time since I felt the need to journal anything, but over the past few months, Granny's health continued to deteriorate. Since January, her mobility became less and less. Her back/spine pain was compounded by a necrotic hip caused by the steroids used to treat her back. Unfortunately, hip replacement would not be an option for an 88 year old. Then about 2 months ago, her hands began to cause her unbearable pain. She would even get choked up talking about it hurting, even if they weren't hurting at the time she was telling us. Then a few days before Easter, her hands were unbearable. The doctors at the Chateau couldn't get a BP on her, so Linda, not thinking clearly, took her to her doctor's appointment rather than the ER. They immediately took her down to the ER from the office, as they were not able to get a BP either. They admitted her and began to treat her pain. She also had a UTI which they treated with antibiotics, which I think caused her some delusions and psychosis episodes that caused her to have to be restrained. After more than a week, they discharged her to Fair Haven, a nursing hope, seems like right before her birthday, May 5th. She was still having pain problems but seemed to be more responsive and able to communicate to us clearly. Just 5 days after being at FairHaven, she had been vomiting up bile-since she probably had very little to eat- so mom helped clean her up, and that night she was given some phenergan. Well, like the risks to Luke as a newborn when I had the HORRIBLE migraine that I had to go to the ER twice for, she could not be roused the next morning nor could they get a BP on her, so they called the paramedics and Linda and told her they were taking her to the ER. That was Wednesday the 11th. I had been in Tuscaloosa, getting work done on the van and touring the devastation in Tuscaloosa from the 04/27 tornadoes, after I'd been called on my way down to Tuscaloosa to be told that baby Brooks, who the Foot Prints Ministry had been praying for that was a 6 month old 26 weeker scheduled to go home on Friday, May 13th had died that morning, possibly of a heart attack. I rushed to Brookwood as Mom told me they were saying she would die soon. I got there and they were giving her dilaudid for the pain. Mom and Ralph had gone to get something to drink and Linda was telling me how she was begging for her hands to be cut off or Jesus to take her and it was just torturous to hear and be able to do nothing to help her. As we talked, Granny's BP bottomed out and we thought she was dying in front of us. But, her heart continued on. They got her up to a room and she became alert and sat up a bit and looked around to see us all there, me, Koben, Rusty, Linda, Ralph, Mom, and Ann. Over the next week, she became less coherent and less responsive. I do NOT like Brookwood, however, I'm so glad that mom, Ralph, and Linda were able to rotate times to all be up there with her. We prayed she would go quickly, but she would hang on longer. Monday, I was told that they'd stopped her fluids. They said it would be between 12-72 hours. They were wrong. Tuesday, Matt and I took the boys up to see her one last time. Tobi and I talked about going up there and she'd most likely be sleeping. He walked over to her and said, "Granny, it's okay if you go to heaven." Luke was all over the place, trying to get to the bed buttons and everything. Before we left, after I'd rubbed her face and kissed her and told her how much I loved her and to kiss my sweet Layah for me, I told Luke, holding him, to tell Granny 'night night' and to tell Granny 'bye bye' as she was going to heaven. He waived 'bye bye', but didn't take his paci out to say anything. So, we left, got home and went about our nightly routine. However, Luke would NOT go to sleep. Usually, he goes down about 8:30 or 9, but still at 9:30 as I tried to lay him down, he was back up. So, at just before 10, as I rocked him, I said, "Luke, it's time to go night night, " and he said, taking his paci out, "night night Gee", "bye bye Gee". I immediately felt like he was talking to Granny. So, we waited...hoping it wouldn't be much longer, not wanting her to suffer one minute more. Tonight, Tobi and I were laying in the bed together because Luke, again, didn't wanna go to sleep, which is NOT typical of him. I told Tobi that we needed to say a prayer that the Lord would take Granny, that He would stop her heart and give her a new body in heaven. We prayed that He would do this tonight. We talked of Papa, and Granny calling him 'Rex' and how heaven is always bright because of God being the source and there being no moon cause there is no night. We prayed for a little girl Lindsey, who is dying from a brain tumor, slowly, and we prayed she would not suffer either. A few minutes later, Tobi was asleep. I got him to bed, and Luke was STILL awake! So, I laid down in our bed with him, until he fell asleep. A few minutes later, my cell phone rang, and Mom said, Linda had called and Granny had passed. HE ANSWERED OUR PRAYER! I have no doubt in my mind He did. I'm so glad her suffering is finally over. I'm so glad she's reunited with Papa, she's seeing her son Ronnie, and she's getting to meet my Layah! As Tobi and I prayed for all the babies that had recently died, he said, "we'll all get to see those babies again mom". I said, "yes we will. yes we will. " To know she's received her new glorious body, I'm so thankful. I will miss feeling her body as I hugged her and hearing her sweet voice when I would call her and hear her answering machine and it says, "This is Zelda I cant come to the phone right now but if you leave a message, I'll call you back". I'm gonna miss her saying hey 'sweet thang' to me and my children. I'm gonna miss her.

Until we can be together again Granny, I will try to be the Godly woman that you would want me to be. I love you!

Faithfully His,


Monday, April 25, 2011

Arms That Hold The Universe

Just another song that I know so many that are going through difficult times, (particularly those moms with sick babies or children, women having difficulty becoming a mom and just those struggling with life. It's just a God-inspired song. I cry everytime I hear it and cant help but raise my hands to praise the God that gives and takes away.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Lift Me Up The Afters

I'm not keeping this blog up, as I feel that the Lord used it to minister to me through my year after Layah passed, and through my pregnancy with Luke, along with using it to encourage and minister to others. From time to time, I may post something random. This song was very powerful and sent to me by my dear brother and friend, Derok, so I wanted to share it with anyone that may come accross this blog. Hope you are as blessed by the words, the message, (and of course the Word of God that has been our standing verse through many trials and tribulations) as it I was.