So today, I asked friends to pray that I would physically, not fall apart. I did not want the stress of my weeping or sobbing, to hurt Luke in any way. I wanted to be able to mourn her, and miss her, but to not fall apart the way I did smelling her things, the other morning. Tobi and I went to the cemetery. My mom was actually on her way out, when she saw us, and turned around to go back with me. I had been crying. I had tried to tell myself, that I didn't have to cry. I didn't need to cry, but that was not so. I did need to cry. My mom brought some tiny pink carnations. We hugged and she reminded me that we'd see her again. I told her I was meeting my "sister" Ginger at the funeral home, (the cemetery is so big, Ginger would not have a clue where Layah's marker is, even though she's been there before). Ginger arrived a little later. I took her back to the grave and we stayed just a few minutes. I had been there long enough, as I dont feel close to Layah there, since I know she is not there. My plan was to let Tobi release the balloon we'd left their on her birthday, but it was deflated, so he was a little disappointed. I assured him we'd be back and I'd let him take a balloon. We had a nice lunch with Ginger and her daughter Elyse, and ran a few errands. On our way home, Tobi and I were talking about what a special day it was, and I told him that we had celebrated Layah's first birthday in heaven. Tobi said the most precious thing. He said, "Mama, do you think Jesus made her a cake?" I just about cried. I told him maybe so. It was so innocent, so pure. Then this evening, mom took Tobi to her church's VBS. I was a bit nervous, because we don't go to that church, it's baptist, (not that that is bad or anything, but it is different than our church and what Tobi's used to), and it was a night. So my mom brought him home and as he came in the bedroom, I asked him if he had fun and he was grinning from ear to ear. He told me that he'd made a bracelet, and then said, "I had a snack. I had pretzels, and I had gummy bears, but I gave the red ones away!" I grabbed him and just tickled him. It was great. The thing is, Tobi has a weird chemical reaction to red dye in foods and beverages with that artificial coloring in it. Matt was apparently the same way, but he literally acts "crazy". He even notices he acts different when he's had something red. So that's what he meant. We try to always keep him away from the red products. So, tomorrow I go back to work. I will miss being off with Tobi, but it will be good to get back to a routine at work, since I was off for 8 weeks this time last year. I want to be back at work.
Please continue to lift me and my family up in your prayers, as we will still struggle with our human emotions and thoughts until we have a sweet little healthy baby boy, Luke Jeremiah Shelfer, in our arms, safely at home.