Always

This may be a longer post than normal, but I have a lot to say. I wanted to post a blog last night, but my dear husband was hogging the computer. I have been reading a book called Letters from a Skeptic (A Son Wrestles with His Father's Questions About Christianity) This book really touches home for me. The writer is a professor of apologetics-the study of defending the Christian faith against objections which Non Christians have and presenting positive reasons for the TRUTHFULNESS of the Christian faith. He is a graduate from Yale and Princeton. It is not really a "debate", more like a conversation back in forth, by letters written between this skeptical father and son, who is a beliver. The son is explaining to his father not only his reasons for being a follow of Christ, but also answering many tough questions that we Christians get thrown: Why is the world so full of suffering? Why did God create Satan? Why didn't God spare a loved one? Isn't the Bible full of myths and God's vengeance? There are many more. I've been drawn into this book and would encourage any believer to get this book. It will help you not only defend your faith, but also possibly answer some questions that we, ourselves, have.

One of my dear friends I've mentioned before, recently thought she was pregnant. She lost twin boys about 3 months ago, at 18 weeks. I was concerned about her jumping right back into things and getting pregnant so soon after her loss, but I can totally relate to that desire. She hadn't emailed me in awhile, even after I would email her to let her know I was continuing to pray for her as she grieved for her boys and longed to get pregnant quickly again. My only conclusion is that the pregnancy was not viable. Before it was confirmed, I could tell in her email how angry she was; she didn't know if she could take it, if it was not. I remember these feelings ver well. Many of you know Christmas Eve I took a pregnancy test and on New Years Eve, was told that it was a "chemical pregnancy". I was devastated. Why would He allow that to happen? It was a slap-in-the-face after all we'd been through. I heard this song yesterday and as I listened to the words, which I later emailed to my friend, I was overwhelmed with my longing for Layah, and the pain of missing her. I was also hurting for my friend going down this path I walked not so long ago. The song is called "Always" and it's by the group Building 429. Here are the lyrics:

I was standing in the pour raining
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face
What was I supposed to say

(Chorus)
But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always
He was living in a broken world dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace

When I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt
When his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears
And the anger locked inside
He's barely holding on to faith
But deliverance is on its way

(Chorus)

Friend I don't know where you are
And I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life
Or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy
If there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got
And you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on

Chorus

Always, Always
He will be with you always
He will be with you always
He will be with you

I just began to weep, for Layah, for my friend and the others that have lost their precious child\children. I was reminded of something that was in this book I've been reading, the son was explaining to the Father about with man having the potential for great love, he also has the same potential for great evil. He was telling his father about God's love, and how many who date or court your spouse for any length of time, it's basically making sure you love this person, kind of a "probationary period". But with God there is no probationary period for love. The author wrote, "To be unable to not love is the highest form of freedom in love." The author was talking to his dad about that "we create our character with our decisions, and our character, in turn, exercises more and more of the decisions we make"- the more bad, wrong, or evil decisions we make, the more our character becomes that evil. (Ok now I'm getting off on a tangent). Back to my point, God's love is perfect, and He has already proven it to us. Even if another good thing never happened again to us, He's already proven how much His eternal love for each of us is. As my heart broke for my friend, I thought, "how much more does His heart hurt, when His children's hearts hurt?" Just like what I described in my post for Good Friday and the cross, He has a Father's heart. Yes, He is God, but with freedom to choose or not to choose Him on this earth, there also comes good and evil, the battle being waged around us, without us seeing it with our human eyes. So many bad things, Layah's death, Tobi's early birth, Matt's addiction, my CPT2 and eating disorder, etc. I can plainly see that this was evil, "principalities" waging war on me, my family, God's daughter, because of how much He loves me. It's not Him "testing" me or my faith, but the principalities of this world, yet the spiritiual relm of it, and "their" freedom to "attack" us. Why does He intervene with some and not others? I still will never be able to answer that. But His love is clear. His love for us is perfect, all the while we are NOT. God's description of His kind of love? Here it is:

1 Corinthians 13"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." The author of one of my devotionals said, "Godly love endures beyond life's hurts by pulling us relentlessly toward the never-diminshing care of the Father". I thought that was a powerful statement. When we experience loss, disappointment, the pains of this world, that's when we need His "kind of" love the most. Like the verse and song says, Love/He never fails.

As I approach the big 3-0 this Sunday, I have mixed emotions. I had always planned to have finished having all of my children by 30, but guess what? His ways are not our ways. He is all knowing, but at the same time, I believe, (after reading some of this book), God also limits His own power in knowing our futures-until we make a choice, a decision. After all, if we have been given free will, if He were to control our decisions, it wouldn't be free, would it? I know that many decisions I've made poorly, but the awesome thing is, even after I have made those decisions, our merciful God can take that mess, and make it beautiful, and be glorified by what comes out of it.

I will be 28 weeks tomorrow, and I know just how faithful He has been and is and will continue to be. I am going for my weekly OB appointment after I get Tobi registered for 1st grade, (OMG!! I cant believe he's already going in 1st grade!) I've had no eleveated levels of my glucose, (the 4 times a day I have to check it! Ugh!), and for that I'm thankful. I'm convinced it's because I wasnt snacking, so I was peaking and crashing. I will post, (maybe a bit briefer) tomorrow and update you all.

Faithfully His,

Mika