Friday, March 13, 2009

Dreary day

Today was suppose to be a fun-filled day on a field trip to the zoo, but that was not to be since Tobi was still sick with the stomach virus, looking to be exiting his system soon. So, we had a few errands to do, and then I decided Tobi could pick out a toy from Target since he didnt get to go to the zoo with his friends. We had to go downtown to get his glasses fixed and I decided I'd go buy the cemetery to change out Layah's flag. We have a garden flag that we change out with the seasons and holidays and I found one at the Amen Corner that said Alleluja He is risen and has big pink and white tulips on it. I dont know if it was the nasty weather, my hormones, or a combonation of that, but I was very emotional in the car on my way. It's just a very difficult, emotional time when a mom thinks, " I have to 'visit' my child at the cemetery". As much as I know she's better there in His arms, than here, the human side of me still wants to be selfish and have her here.But as Tobi reminds me often, "..we have to be really old before we can go be with Layah..."
I want to tell you that dont know of the vision I mentioned previously. When I first started having signs of my cervix dialating, (the weekend after Mother's Day), I had to visit the maternity triage at UAB in the middle of the night, and after being on monitors all night, and being sent hope with a Rx, and orders to rest in bed, I slept all day, so I was not sleepy that night. As I lie awake in the darkness of night, I began feeling as thought I was being "attacked" spiritually, which is something hard to explain unless you've experienced the feeling as a parent where there's potentional danger for your child and you have to act quickly. I began feeling and thinking of despair, death, tradgedy, sadness, and I started praying, with my mouth, and telling the Lord, "I know you have a plan for this baby girl-we'd not named yet. I know you are the author of life, and that you love us and want us to have a future, and this baby to have a future...." and just thanking Him for His grace and miracles and Tobi's miraculous birth and survival." So, as I talked to Him, I felt He began to show me clips of my life. I've only "seen" something I knew was from God, 1 other time, before this, and it was the night after Tobi's first week of life, when I received a call at 1AM from the NICU when the called to let us know Tobi was not doing well and although we didnt need to go to the hospital right then, they were letting us know his downward path could continue. So as I prayed and read God's word, and that day's devotional, which was in Psalms 46:10, He said that to me, "Be still and know that I'm God" and I could see Tobi resting on His chest, and basically, as a father talks to a daughter, said to my spirit, "Mika, there is nothing you can do for Tobi except what you already are:pump, pray, and be there with him as much as possible." I am with him, I am in control, and you just have to have faith, and understand this is gone to be a long journey, but he will make it, and he will be fine, and will not be handicapped. "And after that night, I had so much peace, that even when the nurses would say, "well, today could be good, but tomorrow he could have a really bad day", but I knew that once Tobi began to show improvement, he would not have a "bad day", and he didnt. Tobi continued to slowly improve, until we took Him home. I still "hear" the Lord saying those promises to me, as if it was yesterday. So, as He showed me these visions, I could hear our baby girl screaming cry, which was music, since Tobi's cry was so pitiful due to the amount of lung damage he'd had because of the oxygen and amount of time on the vent, his was more like a mouse cry, or a grunt; he grunted more than anything. So I go into the bedroom to pick her up and nurse her, and I rock her in her dim lit room. Then it's a "clip" a few months later, and I'm holding her up high, and she has a white onsie on and pink pants. She's beautiful and chubby. She's got big brown eyes like her mama, and blonde hair, like her brother did as a baby and toddler. As she laughted and smiled, I could see her two bottom, front teeth. I said, "Thank you Lord" and shortly after, fell asleep. So 2 weeks before I was to return to work, I was just having a crying episode, and I got really angry and started talking to God and I said, "Why?!! Why?!! Why would you show me this beautiful, healthy baby girl, if we were not to get to keep her? You showed me a life with her, and during my conversation with Him, He said to my spirit, "My child, I never said that was Layah". That was it, nothing more, but I could not hold myself up, and just fell to my knees and face. He would fulfill His promise, and He would show He's faithful. So ever since, we've felt, our daughter to come, we would name, Arwyn Hope Shelfer. Having had different things that pointed to the name Hope because of our grief, but grief with Hope, and Hope in His promises, and then a series at Church of the Highlands on Hope, it just made sense. Arwyn is just a different name we like that means "noble maiden". So, that's it. That's the second vision I had. I will tell you the 3rd, of Layah another time. As April approaches, a time where our family joins with other families to walk and raise money for March of dimes, I've emailed the family volunteer coordinator, and some of the directors of MOD that we would not be walking this year, at least my husband and I wouldnt. My brother and his family may, but it's just still very raw, and painful when surrounded by similar stories of life, fortunately, like Tobi's. We will send $ and ask anyone that feels God lay on his\her heart to donate, to please send the money to MOD in Layah's memory. I will have more later on where to send it, if any of you feel led to. We are expecting to walk next year, with a baby in a jogger! Till next time,

Faithfully His,


No comments:

Post a Comment