Surgery complete

So, today we had the double-stitched Mcdonald cerclage put in, We got to the pre admit, as scheduled, at 7am, but of course they didnt even call me back to get ready until about 9:45. I had a great nurse, Melia. We talked to the anesthesiology team and they were well aware of my CPT type II dificiency disease. Since I had not had anything to eat or drink since Thursday night at 8, I got a migrane. They medicated me for that and the nausea. I finally went back to the OR at noon. All that I remember, (even though I was not under general anesthesia and had had some demerol and phergan going for several hours before) was seeing Dr. Ramsey useing a suction devise, like at the dentist office, to get the excess blood. I could hear hims talking, but dont remember what was said. Apparently, during the procedure, my heart rate went down to 38, so unknown to me, they gave me some ephedra-yes the kind that is now illegal to sale in nutritional supplements, but it can be used for medicinal purposes. Once in recovery, I felt pretty bad. I was very nauseated and continued to vomit, along with the severe pain in my belly from the cerclage, and the worst part was feeling the strong urge to pee but I could not since my bottom half was still somewhat asleep. So the weight of my full bladder on top of my cervix, caused some severe pain, it really felt like it did when I had labor. It was a lot more painful than I had anticipated. So, I got more pain medicaton and nausea medication. I was SOOOO thankful, Dr. Ramsey was the one to do the procedure. I didnt know till about a couple of hours before, since he was trying to get out doing clinic in April, but he came in and told me he'd told the other doctor that morning, he'd be doing my surgery. I ran into a girl, Crystal Hansen, that I cheered with at Erwin. We'd run into each other before, when Tobi was in the hospital. It was good to see her. Dr. Ramsey checked on me in recovery and then said if I needed him over th weekend or next week, I had his cell number. How many doctors give their patient their personal cell phone #?!!! I dont want him to leave!!! So, on our way home, I started feeling bad again, but, also sleepy. I know this discomfort will only last a few days. We all have a great feeling about this baby's life. Arwyn Hope will come into the world involuntarily, the doctors will be the ones to take her out. (yes I'm going to go ahead and say it's a girl) I'm gonna take it very easy over the next few days, including Monday. I'm so glad that this is behind us and now we can enjoy a long pregnancy. Keep praying! Love you all!

Faithfully His,

Mika

Pre Op OB visit today

I went to have the pre op "stuff" today. I was expecting to do my labwork, since they said that it would need to be done within 72 hours, but for some reason, they want me to do it Thursday instead, so I have to make another trip down to UAB, but whatever, that's fine. So I had pap cultures taken and lucky me, with antibiotics, comes yeast, and so yes, had to get a prescription for that this afternoon. We were able to hear the strong heart beat again, and then we had the ultrasound. She (yes I'm gonna go ahead and just be saying that so you might get confused) was very active and moving all around. We have 1 great picture of her and in the background you can see her tiny fist, which I saw as the ultrasound was being done, but thought by the time she took the picture, the fist was gone, but it's there in the background. It's so amazing everything's in place and starting to function, at this point. It was so amazing to see the baby moving and the heart beating. I never get used to that. So, the plan is for us to arrive on Friday morning at 7am. I will get more labwork done, IV in, and they will start the spinal, which apparently is the longest part of the whole process and procedure. I was late reading my devotional today, but it was the verses in Luke where the angel of the Lord appeard to the shephards and told them of Christ's birth and how they went to see Him. What I noticed today is Luke 2:19, "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." This after the shepherds visited Mary and Joseph and were amazed and spread the word about Him. I can relate to how this will feel for me when this baby comes and we have visitors and everyone who knows us and our family and our story will also be amazed at this baby's miraculous entry into the world. It excites me and I have so much peace about what's to come-a long, long, pregnancy.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Under the Weather

Well, I've had a cold since last Thursday. I had a sore throat and laryngitis. The hoarsness seamed to go away on Sunday, but the "barky" dry cough, and sore throat has remained. Dr. Ramsey's nurse called me in arythromicyn, or the Z pak, to get rid of this congestion in my sinuses before next week. On top of having migraine headaches from hormones during pregnancy, now I've had them because of the sinus pressure. I've had a low grade fever, so I've been taking tylenol as well. I pray I wll not have any of these symptoms by Friday. I'm gonna try to rest this weekend and then next week try to get the house cleaned up, so I can be lazy in a clean house post op. I told Matt to be ready to be at my service!!! Tobi's gonna spend the night with Nana and Papa on Friday night. So that will be a good time for Matt and I to spend some time watching a movie and talking. Today when I was reading my devotional the scripture was Genesis 18:1-15. It was when Abraham and Sarah were told that by the next year that the Lord came to them, they would have a Son. Sarah actually laughed to herself, (as of the Lord didnt know), and said something to her self like, "yeah right, I'm old and worn out and so is my husband and you're gonna give us a child now?" I'm sure she was surprised when the Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say will I really have a child , now? Is anything too hard for the Lord? " She tried to lie and say she didnt laugh, and He said, "yes you did". As I read it, I was not only reminded that He is faithful to His word, and also, He knows when we doubt. Although Satan makes it difficult, and throws at us worry, fear, anxiety, doubt, we have to verbally speak the promises of God, and remember, Numbers 23:19 "God is not man, that should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" and one of my favorites of His faithfulness, Hebrews 10:23 (another 23 for those of you who know my family!) " Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Wow. That was written for me, and for you. Well, I will post again soon.

Faithfully His,

Mika
Mika

Surgery scheduled

So his morning, I had to go into Walgreen's to get some cold medicine I can take, and walked down the seasonal aisle in the back, and as I did, I glanced to my left, and there on the shelf, the last one, was a terracotta cross that said "Hope". I knew it was just a little encouragement from my heavenly Father for today. So, I went to my OB, Dr. Patrick Ramsey, who to me is the best OB every. At 10 1\2 weeks he wasn't sure that we were gonna be able to hear the heartbeat, but I reminded him that with Layah, we heard her's at 8 weeks. So he placed the Doppler on my belly, and there it was, fast and strong. So, then we talked and scheduled the "McDonald", (that's the name if this type) , Cerclage for next Friday, March 27th at 8am. I will have a spinal block for anesthesia, and he said he expected me to be home by noon. He drew out the 3 different types of cerclages that are performed and explained in detail, how they would stitch the cervix close. If you're interested, this is what it will look like, www.utdol.com/online/content/image.do?imageKey=obst_pix/mcdona7.htm&title=McDonald%20cerclage , however, I will have it doubled. He said that as many prophylactic (preventative) cerclages he has done, he'd not had a patient that had complications immediately following the procedure. Along with the nurses, and other folks I've talked about the cerclage and it's success with, I've heard nothing but great news. He doesn't anticipate me needing to be on bed rest. Besides other reasons, what complicates my case, is that with an "incompetent" (I had that word) cervix, there is no labor, just dilation of the cervix prematurely and out comes baby. But with Tobi, I actually had progressive labor. The puzzle is that we don't know if my cervix had already been dilated for days, or weeks, and with it an easy opening for infection, infection caused me to go into premature labor. With Layah, there was no labor at all. So, the chances of me having signs of premature labor are slim, we still want to pray against that possibility. I will go back to the doctor's office on Tuesday to have pre op labs, an ultrasound, and a pap. I'm feeling a lot of things, anxiousness, excitement, nervousness. I'm trying not to be fearful, and just praising God for His promises when those thoughts start coming. We didn't have a room color or anything for Layah planned, although we had the crib and other immediate necessities we had saved with Tobi, in her room, but no decor planned. So, in faith, I went to Lowes and picked out a minty, light green that we plan to do the nursery in. After all, He said, the tiniest, mustard-seed size amount of faith can move mountains. Please pray this upcoming week that the doctor's hand will be skilled and precise, and the cerclage will be placed high enough, deep enough, and tight enough and that I will not have any problems with anesthesia, especially the spinal wearing off. Pray that my body will accept this foreign object, and there will be no infection or bacteria that can get in. I know as with Tobi, and Layah, there are many prayer warriors, who "approach the thrown of grace with confidence". Please do so for me, and our sweet precious blessing inside of me.

HOPEful,

Mika

Dreary day

Today was suppose to be a fun-filled day on a field trip to the zoo, but that was not to be since Tobi was still sick with the stomach virus, looking to be exiting his system soon. So, we had a few errands to do, and then I decided Tobi could pick out a toy from Target since he didnt get to go to the zoo with his friends. We had to go downtown to get his glasses fixed and I decided I'd go buy the cemetery to change out Layah's flag. We have a garden flag that we change out with the seasons and holidays and I found one at the Amen Corner that said Alleluja He is risen and has big pink and white tulips on it. I dont know if it was the nasty weather, my hormones, or a combonation of that, but I was very emotional in the car on my way. It's just a very difficult, emotional time when a mom thinks, " I have to 'visit' my child at the cemetery". As much as I know she's better there in His arms, than here, the human side of me still wants to be selfish and have her here.But as Tobi reminds me often, "..we have to be really old before we can go be with Layah..."
I want to tell you that dont know of the vision I mentioned previously. When I first started having signs of my cervix dialating, (the weekend after Mother's Day), I had to visit the maternity triage at UAB in the middle of the night, and after being on monitors all night, and being sent hope with a Rx, and orders to rest in bed, I slept all day, so I was not sleepy that night. As I lie awake in the darkness of night, I began feeling as thought I was being "attacked" spiritually, which is something hard to explain unless you've experienced the feeling as a parent where there's potentional danger for your child and you have to act quickly. I began feeling and thinking of despair, death, tradgedy, sadness, and I started praying, with my mouth, and telling the Lord, "I know you have a plan for this baby girl-we'd not named yet. I know you are the author of life, and that you love us and want us to have a future, and this baby to have a future...." and just thanking Him for His grace and miracles and Tobi's miraculous birth and survival." So, as I talked to Him, I felt He began to show me clips of my life. I've only "seen" something I knew was from God, 1 other time, before this, and it was the night after Tobi's first week of life, when I received a call at 1AM from the NICU when the called to let us know Tobi was not doing well and although we didnt need to go to the hospital right then, they were letting us know his downward path could continue. So as I prayed and read God's word, and that day's devotional, which was in Psalms 46:10, He said that to me, "Be still and know that I'm God" and I could see Tobi resting on His chest, and basically, as a father talks to a daughter, said to my spirit, "Mika, there is nothing you can do for Tobi except what you already are:pump, pray, and be there with him as much as possible." I am with him, I am in control, and you just have to have faith, and understand this is gone to be a long journey, but he will make it, and he will be fine, and will not be handicapped. "And after that night, I had so much peace, that even when the nurses would say, "well, today could be good, but tomorrow he could have a really bad day", but I knew that once Tobi began to show improvement, he would not have a "bad day", and he didnt. Tobi continued to slowly improve, until we took Him home. I still "hear" the Lord saying those promises to me, as if it was yesterday. So, as He showed me these visions, I could hear our baby girl screaming cry, which was music, since Tobi's cry was so pitiful due to the amount of lung damage he'd had because of the oxygen and amount of time on the vent, his was more like a mouse cry, or a grunt; he grunted more than anything. So I go into the bedroom to pick her up and nurse her, and I rock her in her dim lit room. Then it's a "clip" a few months later, and I'm holding her up high, and she has a white onsie on and pink pants. She's beautiful and chubby. She's got big brown eyes like her mama, and blonde hair, like her brother did as a baby and toddler. As she laughted and smiled, I could see her two bottom, front teeth. I said, "Thank you Lord" and shortly after, fell asleep. So 2 weeks before I was to return to work, I was just having a crying episode, and I got really angry and started talking to God and I said, "Why?!! Why?!! Why would you show me this beautiful, healthy baby girl, if we were not to get to keep her? You showed me a life with her, and during my conversation with Him, He said to my spirit, "My child, I never said that was Layah". That was it, nothing more, but I could not hold myself up, and just fell to my knees and face. He would fulfill His promise, and He would show He's faithful. So ever since, we've felt, our daughter to come, we would name, Arwyn Hope Shelfer. Having had different things that pointed to the name Hope because of our grief, but grief with Hope, and Hope in His promises, and then a series at Church of the Highlands on Hope, it just made sense. Arwyn is just a different name we like that means "noble maiden". So, that's it. That's the second vision I had. I will tell you the 3rd, of Layah another time. As April approaches, a time where our family joins with other families to walk and raise money for March of dimes, I've emailed the family volunteer coordinator, and some of the directors of MOD that we would not be walking this year, at least my husband and I wouldnt. My brother and his family may, but it's just still very raw, and painful when surrounded by similar stories of life, fortunately, like Tobi's. We will send $ and ask anyone that feels God lay on his\her heart to donate, to please send the money to MOD in Layah's memory. I will have more later on where to send it, if any of you feel led to. We are expecting to walk next year, with a baby in a jogger! Till next time,

Faithfully His,

Mika

A New Journey to Life

So i figured it was time that I started a blog. This blog entry may be fairly long because it's my first. So first let me give those of you who don't know me personally some history, although some of it is mentioned in my profile. My husband Matt and I have been married almost 7 years. We have a 6 year old, Tobias Gabriel, who we call Tobi. Tobi was born September 8th, 2002, at 26.4 weeks and weighed 2 lbs and 3 oz. He was born in 59 minutes from the time we arrived at the hospital, pulled the parking ticket out, and they pulled him out emergency c-section. At the time, it was unknown why Tobi was born so early. I had been followed by the high risk Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors at UAB due to a rare (only about 600 cases in the world) metabolic muscle disease I have that is predominantly diagnosed only in males. All I could do for Tobi throughout those long days and nights, (108 days in the NICU to be specific) was to pump breast milk, which I did for 15 months. The doctors and nurses call it "liquid gold" for all babies, but especially preemies. Statistically, the survival rate order is black females, black males, white females, white males, so they call the white males, "wimpy white boys", but we have a different label, our miracle son of God. Tobi was discharged from UAB Hopsital 3 days before Christmas. It was the best Christmas present ever! Tobi's had 10 surgeries primarily due to the BPD (Bronchopulmonary displesia) lung disease, and secondary, due to being born so early. He has bilateral sensorineural hearing loss and wears hearing aids, but is not deaf, and has been aided since 13 months. It's all he knows. The are his "ears". He is extremely bright, and most who meet him, would have never guessed he was so tiny at birth.

So, with Tobi being in and out of the hospital for weeks at a time for the first 4 years of his life, we waited to have more children. Finally in 2007 we were ready and conceived in December. This time my OB would also put me on progesterone shots at 16 weeks that are given weekly, sub muscular, until 36 weeks. UAB did a research study that showed the shots reduced premature births by 30%. So along with that, and extra folic acid, we hoped and prayed we would not have another preemie, especially another micro preemie. Everything seemed to be going great throughout my pregnancy. We found out the week after Mother's Day 2008 that we were having a girl and we were thrilled. Tobi, (who's middle name, Gabriel, means "messenger") was not surprised and had told us all along that he wanted to see his baby sister. Over the next couple of weeks I had some concerning symptoms and was seen at the maternity triage for some premature labor, but nothing progressed. However, they were concerned I seemed to be dilated 2 cm at 20 weeks. My OB decided he would see me weekly to make sure nothing progressed. The next week, no change. Then Memorial Day weekend, everything changed. Tobi and I attended the annual UAB NICU reunion on Saturday, which we hadnt been to since he was 2. It was nice to see the faces of doctors and nurses that had been God's hands in saving Tobi's life. Little did we know, some of them would become family to us once again. Then Sunday night, at 23.2 weeks, I woke up to go to the bathroom and felt my pajama bottoms damp. It wasn't a good sign. My water hadn't broken, but by the time we go to the hospital, I was dilated 8 cm and had not had the first labor pain or contraction I'd experienced with Tobi for over 12 hours. So finally it was clear, my diagnosis was an "incompetent cervix". They did everything they could do to delay the inevitable delivery. I was given steroids, antibiotics, and magnesium. After 12 hours, it was decided that due to risk of infection, our tiny precious baby girl, we had named Layah, was to be born at 23.3 weeks. None of us knew if she would live once born, but we knew all the risk and challenges of having a micro preemie, and the fact she was female, was on our side. This birth was very different than Tobi's. With both our children, we've never been able to experience the joy of hearing our babies cry when delivered. Layah was taken by the neonatal team to the NICU, where my husband was taken while I recovered shortly. Layah Faith Shelfer was born Monday, June 2nd, 2008 at 3:18 pm, and weighed 1 lb and 4 oz and was 11 inches long. Her eyes were still fused shut, but my family said that as with Tobi, she looked like her daddy. Layah was on very little oxygen, which was completely different that the first 2 weeks of Tobi's life. They warned us about the likely deterioration after 48 hours, but Layah did not. She was a fighter, and was doing great. As with Tobi, I pumped to give her what I was able to give Tobi. But by Saturday morning, things were not as good. We were told Layah was bleeding a bit, and she'd been given multiple blood products. As we watched that afternoon, her heart rate dropped drastically and we almost lost her. The neonatologist stabilized her and I told my husband I could not bare to be on this roller coaster of up and down, so close to death and then back. By 11 pm that night, as my best friend Joy and I were visiting with her in the nursery, Layah took a turn for the worse, and I was told to call my husband back up to the hospital, along with any family I wanted to be present. Surrounded by my family and 2 closest friends who are like sisters to me, we held Layah for about 2 hours before I felt her tiny body express to me, "Mom, it's okay. Let me go to Him". She was to be heavily sedated, but she grasped the ET tube and appeared to pull. We let her go around 2am. Our UAB NICU family was wonderful to us. They took her and cleaned her up and dressed her in a handmade pink dress that fit her tiny 1 lb body. I will never be able to smell baby lotion the same again. We allowed them to take pictures, which at the time was very morbid and weird to me, but now, they are what I cherish. We buried Layah on June 11, 2008, which happened to be on the day that my mom's 2 year old brother Ronnie, (who Layah was to be buried behind) had died of the croup, in the 40's. Our family does not believe in "coincidences". Another important date, was that my grandfather, buried next to them, died on his 80th birthday, September 26th, and that was my due date with Layah. The summer was very difficult for me, but God revealed His heart to me in ways I'd never experienced before, nor could have ever, any other way. I don't understand it, dont like it, but I do know that His ways are not our ways, and He has a plan. I feel Layah was spared so much from the earth. I mean, she will never know heartache, disappointment, sadness, sickness, etc. Of course, we see her 6 days of life, as a short time, but in actuality, all of our lives, even if we live to be a 100, are but a breath when in relation to eternity.I still miss her terribly and think of her many times throughout each day, and will strive to live a life that makes her and our Heavenly Father proud. I look forward to the day when I can counsel and support other moms who will walk this path of losing a baby. It's comforting to have someone who understands your pain and can just let you cry, be angry, or remaniss about the life, however short, of her child. I also look forward to one day, after we have all of our children, (even one we hope to adopt from China), becoming a pediatric nurse. So, that's the "summarized" version!! Now let me catch you up to date.

We are expecting again, Praise the Lord! I will be 10 weeks tomorrow, and happened to be home with a sick little guy today. Tobi has a nasty stomach bug and since he had the fundoplycation, (reflux surgery), he's not able to vomit, so you can imagine. He'll retch and gag and retch, but nothing, everything ends up coming out the other end. As they say, as mom's work is never done. I wasnt sure if I was ready to start this blog, since I only had 2 entries with Layah's blog, but I wanted to act in faith, and document our journey through this pregnancy that will, (and already has been), so different. They say every pregnancy is different, and boy is that true. With Tobi and Layah, I had a little bit of morning sickness, but only for about a week, and it was very mild. I did not have any migraines with Tobi, but had at least a handful of bad headaches a week with Layah from about 10-18 weeks. Well, the nausea is worse, this time. It started at 6 weeks-very early compared to the previous 2, and has lasted about 4 weeks, but I seem to be turning the corner on that, but the headaches have begun. I feel like I've already started showing, which I know is very early, and I was in awesome shape from all the workout classes I was doing 4-5 times a week. Oh well, I'm ready, boy am I-we are ready. I go for my next OB apt next Tuesday, and we plan to do the cerclage sugery-where they will stitch up the cervix- the 27th of March, Friday. I am very encouraged, and will share with you the signs around that the Lord has continued to provide, as hope. For those of you who do not know those experiences, I will also later share the visions I feel God revealed to me, weeks before Layah, and months after Layah. I've only experienced this about 4 times in my life.

I hope this blog to be a documentation of life given, after a life taken, and also, that it will continue to help me grieve for Layah, and encourage other moms who've experienced a similar loss. Start praying, if you've not already, as we have a long road ahead!

Faithfully His,

Mika