OB apt

Last night I watched one of my favorite shows, "Mystery Diagnosis" and to my amazement, the first episode had been promoted as a girl who's body was eating itself away from the inside. It was a young girl, 15, in North Carolina, who was playing soccer, in the heat, and ended up having rhabdomyalisis, (the breakdown of the muscle tissue that causes severe pain and cramps and inmobility), and myoglobinuria, (the urin is coffee-color because the kidneys are working overtime trying to filter proteins from the urine who have this dark pigment color). I knew, once they said her CK (Creatine Kinase)- which is the amount of muscle tissue in the bloodstream- count was 200,000 (normal is b\t 50-250), she had it. She had the same autosomial recessive, metabolic myopathy my brother and I have-CPT type II. She is an only child and this diagnosis was recent, in 2007. She had one other episode that hospitalized her, where her CK reached 50,000, before her pediatrician referred her to a geneticist at North Carolina Children's Hospital, where it was confirmed. I was so excited! They finally had it on there!!! And the coolest thing, is that it was a girl! This myopathy is predominantly in males. Anyway, I looked up her family, and found her dad is a lawyer- how weird is that my dad is also a lawyer! I emailed him and am very anxious to hear back. She is the age when I was diagnosed, in 1995, so having someone who can tell her how she might physically feel as she gets older, and plans to have a family, might be exciting for her.

Ok for my OB apt update. Dr Ramsey checked her heartbeat and it sounded great. Went over that I've had no female problems, but have been having these horrible, stinkin' headaches daily for about 2 weeks. He gave me something to take for that. He asked me a favor, which I was thrilled to oblige. He has another patient who is about my age who recently lost twins at 18 weeks. He said that when he saw her last, it was like seeing a version of me-but I was more depressed than she, (imagine that). He said she was in denial and he suggested she get involved in a support group, (which are really not available locally as consistent as most moms who've recently experienced a loss can need it) and also told her that he would check with me about being a contact for her since she might prefer the one-on-one. I was thrilled. I told him any patients he thought I might relate, I'd love to talk to. We talked about his up and coming leave, (I'm gonna cry!!!) at the end of May. He said he'd be in town on June the 9th and would come by just to see me, with his kids! I thought that was so nice. So the plan is to do an ultrasound next week, and plan to see the sex of this baby-which we know is a girl!!! So prayer warriors, continue to pray as we approach the 23rd and 26 week period, when Tobi and Layah came, that these will be just dates on a calendar and they will be very boring and regular days for me and our family! That's it for now.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Storms in our lives

Yesterday the devotional I read was the verses I read the day Layah was born, Matthew 8:23-27, which I got tattooed with Layah's feet print on me because it was so powerfully prophetic and to remind me of always striving to have unwaivering (that's the hard part) faith. " Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24 Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" 26He replied, "You of little FAITH, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." The writer of the devotional said that it's natural for us to be frightened in a storm (literal or figurative), as the disciples had seen the miracles of Jesus but still cried out to him in fear for their lives, and he was sitting right in the boat with them, yet they were afraid! The writer said that Jesus used the storm to show them who He was and still is- a powerful God who also cared for them, for us. Although God wont always calm our "storm", He will always be with us "in the boat" and He is able to give us calmness in our spirit and bodies.
I learned today, in visiting a friend of mine in the department I used to be in at work, that my previous manager's wife, lost her battle with cancer April 10th. I didn't know his faith, as he never shared anything with me about his wife's illness, although when Layah died and I returned from maternity leave, he and I would talk in his office at length. As I read his wife's Caringbridge page, and the letter he wrote to friends and family upon her passing, I cried and cried. I could sense his peace. He said that she was at rest and not in anymore pain, and in Paradise with the Lord Jesus, and the only pain now is of those who are left to continue life without her. As I read, I thought about the devotional from yesterday, and in my previous blog entry about "the Cross". He grieves with us. He rejoices with us. Every emotion we feel, He has felt, and is right there with us during those times- of death and life, sometimes holding our hands, sometimes carrying us. It opened my healing wounds of grief for Layah, as if she passed yesterday, but I too understand exactly this husband's point. We are the ones "missing out". I've said it before- it really should be opposite emotional expressions: rejoice when a believer goes home to be with the Lord, and weep with sadness when a child is born into this fallen creation. Obviously any new life brings joy, but I hope you understand my point. Whether we live a 100 years or 6 days like my precious Layah, it is all so fleeting in comparison to eternity. I had been worried yesterday about something trivial, as if God would not provide in this particular need, and today, I am reminded that He is always there, supplying every need, that best suits His plan for our lives. I looked up many names of our sweet Jesus, and wanted to share them with you. Each of them represent a special name, one that can be used in each of our situations, as we talk to Him. The one that I was not familiar with, but definitly see this part of God all the time, (and many unbelievers may not be able to view Him in this manner), is- Yahweh Nakeh, "our God who smiles". I pray as I seek Him each day, at the end of the day, no matter my falls, He will smile upon me.

Yehweh(Jehovah), "He who is", "the great I AM", LORD, "God Almighty," , "omnipotence & sovereignty",
Elohim " God", "Mighty One" (sort of like, "my boss")
Eloi! " (an outcry to God, one desperately alone) My God!"
El-Shaddai "my All-sufficient", "Almighty God of strength/power"
Adonai "The Lord" (as in The Trinity)
Jehovah "Redeemer of His people"
Yahweh Yireh "God will provide/my Provider"
Yahweh Rophe, "our God who HEALS"!!!
Yahweh Nissi "God is my banner, "
Yahweh M'kaddesh "God your sanctifier"
Yahweh Shalom "God is peace/my peace"
Yahweh Tsidkenu, "God our righteousness"
Yahweh Raah "God is my shepherd"
Yahweh Shammah "God is there, is present"
Yahweh Nakeh "our God who SMILES"
El Elyon "The Most High!", (literally, the strongest Mighty One"
El Roi "the Mighty One who sees"
El Olam " Everlasting God and God of Eternity"
Father (as a child speaking to his father)
Abba (like a child speaking to his daddy)
the Truine God (the simultaneous existence of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit)

Most of these names had the expressions the Hebrew people used when speaking this word, and I would say 90% of them said "celebratory/descriptive name". In closing, that is the way I say, "Abba, thank you so much for being all these names to me and more. Thank you for holding me close to you each and every day. I love you and kiss my sweet Layah for me"

Faithfully His,

Mika

Busy weekend and my request to you

Well we had planned to have a busy weekend, and I knew I'd be pooped, but I was exhausted! Friday night I unpacked a cabinet in the kitchen we keep our paperwork stuff in, in order for Matt to be able to move it, in preparation for our new floors to go in. Saturday morning, I had to take Tobi for soccer pictures at 8:15, which is too early for me on the weekend to actually have something to be at! Then his game was a 9. Matt stayed at home to move everything out of the kitchen and dining room for he, his dad, and my dad to start laying the flooring down. After Tobi's game, (they won 9-5 woo hoo!!), we went by Starbucks cause I needed some caffine, (it was half caf so dont freak). Then we came home, and rushed to get Tobi changed. I knew he'd want to "watch" Pop (Matt's dad), but that wasn't gonna happen. So we ran by the library to return and pick up a book-for me. Then went to Cobblestone shoes to get Tobi some new Crocs. He picked out brown, (what a smart kid, knowing it'll go with everything!). Then we went to Belk where we tried on what seemed like 20 things for Tobi- and only got 2. Then it was Mom's turn. While Tobi waited patiently (HA!) with Mimi, I tried on a few shirts- for my growing belly and yes boobs. After all that shopping, it was time to eat. So, we went to "Welcome to Moe's!" as a treat from Mimi, and the line was almost running out the door. We ate and then it was time for Mimi to go home. Tobi and I went to Walmart to get some play shorts and let him spend his $1 he got from Mimi for minding Mom, (well he did for like 30 minutes). My eyes were about to shut, I was getting so sleepy as we got in the car. So we headed home, for a quick stop to check on the guys' progress. It looked great. I changed clothes and decided to take a break on the couch. While Tobi was watching Lord of the Rings on TV and wasn't too much in the way, I dozed a bit. Then it was time to head to Publix. We loaded up on necessities for the house and headed back home, in time to see that Grungie (my dad) was gone, and Papa was picking up his tools for the day. With all our running around and then having to cook something and clean up a bit, we were all asleep by 9, which is kinda early for the weekends at our house. Unfortunately, we were so exhausted and couldn't get up to get to church. We'll have to watch it online this week. Sunday, my sweet husband did let me have the day to myself, and I finally got to watch-in it's entirety- Twilight. Very good movie. See Hollywood, you can make a love story without having to have sex scenes all through the movie. I don't remember "Edward" being so hot in Harry Potter, must have been the part. So, nothing exciting to report about my pregnancy. I am going to start the progesterone shots this weekend. Matt's mom will do them for me since she's a nurse. It's great to have her do it. She's a very good stick! As the weeks get closer to that point at which we lost Layah, I ask that you will lift me up in your prayers and ask the Lord that He would give me assurance, peace, and just confirmation that this pregnancy will bring life that will not end so suddenly. ( I am 16 weeks and Layah came at 23) It's still very hard at times, just desperately missing her. I picked up some stuff in our bedroom and decided to move Layah's keepsakes to our closet, to get out on special occasions, and I was fine- until I started washing my face and then I just lost it. I know I've mentioned it before, but please pray that at those times, when I feel that I failed her, that I will sense His Peace, and her joy in being with Him. I stopped asking, "why us? and why me?" but the feelings of guilt still surface at times. I'll end on this prayer of praise. "Lord, thank you so much for Your omnipresence. I'm so thankful that I don't have to worry about tomorrow, as you hold it in your hands. You know my heart; when I'm joyful and in mourning. I thank you for always having time for me, even when I don't return the same. I thank you for your grace and mercy and the blessings of a great job, a close and loving family, a wonderful marriage, and a miracle son. You are worthy to be praised! In your precious Son's holy name, Jesus. Amen"

Faithfully His,

Mika

Reflections

I was so tired from such a busy Easter weekend, I decided to try and get to post a blog once I had some energy. Sunday was very special. We celebrated "Coming Home" at Church of the Highlands. Pastor Chris, as he does many times, gave a new prospective on the way God views believers and unbelievers. He doesn't see them as "in the club" and those that are not. He views them all as His children, some that are lost. To be lost, you had to have had it in your possession at one time or another, so the Lord sees the unbelievers as children that He desperately wants to return home. He described a situation, Matt and I could relate to, where he thought one of his 5 children was lost. When Matt and I took Tobi trick-or-treating in 2005, Tobi was dressed as Darth Vader, a very cute one, but a very black-dressed one. At the home in Hoover where we attended a Halloween party, Tobi went missing and Matt and I panicked when he was not in the house. As dark as it was outside, and as dark as his costume was, finding him was like trying to find something at night when the power goes off. We were terrified. We heard his little voice yelling, up the street, and another parent could tell we were looking for him and were scared and pointed to us where he was. We we figured out he had walked off with some of the kids in the neighborhood, that came to the house we were at to get their candy, we were so relieved. We were so glad to see him. No, we didn't punish him because we were just SO relieved he was safe and back with us. We did scold him for walking off from the house and where mommy and daddy were, but the anger was not there because of the relief in having him back with us, our family together. That's how God must feel. Once His lost child returns home, rather than be greeted with guilt and punishment, when we cry out to Him and repent, He casts our sins "as far as the east is to the west". I like what pastor Chris also said about becoming a new creation in Christ. You have to come home to be changed and made new, not change to come home. That's so true. As I said in my last Sunday entry, once you cry out to Him, He does the rest. You're not perfect, but you strive to please Him and make Him proud, and just you just live to show Him you're love and devotion.
So that was church. Then we drove out to Elmwood Cemetery to spend a few minutes remembering Layah. It was very difficult for me. I just wept thinking how much I miss her. At times I do get "beat up" feeling I failed her. I caused her death because I caused her to come so early. She was perfect. My body has been the problem. If I'd only researched the problem when it first starting becoming symptomatic. I know that's Satan, but it's hard to fight at times. I just had to say, "Thank you God for the resurrection of your Son, and the resurrection of Layah with you". So, after driving there, going to eat with Mom, Granny, and Derok's (my brother) family and egg hunting, I was pooped and took a catnap at Nana and Papa's, (Matt's mom and dad).

Today I had a follow up with Dr. Ramsey. The baby's heart beat was 140, which was excellent. With no problems, PRAISE GOD, I will go back in 2 weeks. He said that since I'm small, we should be able to find out the sex, 2 weeks from that appointment, May 12th, the Tuesday after Mother's Day!! I am very excited about that. We know God has Arwyn awaiting to come to us for a lifetime. :)

Faithfully His,

Mika

"Good" Friday

This was my first time to be off for Good Friday, in almost 9 years of working at BCBSAL. Being in the finance department, and not customer service, we get to enjoy the company holiday. It's awesome to work for a company that recognizes the importance of this day. Good Friday. Hmm. I'm not sure about that title. Yes it was good for us, but so horrible for Jesus. Maybe it should be called Victory Friday, or even Dark Friday. Besides Christmas, this is the most important weekend of the year. Like everyone else, I too enjoy the Easter egg hunts, the Easter bunny, and baby chicks, but as with most important issues, our society loses sight of the true meaning of holidays, and why we celebrate them.

Today Lord, help me and my family to reflect on this terrible day in history, that you and your Father could so easily have said, "No" to, but you became the slaughtered sacrificial Lamb to not just cover our sin, but deem us righteous in His sight. I thank you so much for your victory that we share over sin and death. It's also a sad time for me in that I dont get to buy the cute little 8 month old girl dress for my precious Layah, but I know You have dressed her in perfection in Heaven each day, but I'm sure something special on this day. So this year, I will not only mourn and celecbrate your death and resurrection, but also my precious Layah Faith's. Kiss her for me, and make sure she knows I will always try my hardest to make her proud, as I make You proud. I love you both with all my heart and soul.

Faithfully Yours,

Mika

The Cross

Today was a long, overdue day back to Church. He always knows exactly what I need to hear. Pastor Chris has been doing a series on the seven, last days of Jesus' life. Today was the final one about the cross. I knew of the torturous acts of violence Jesus endured. But each time I hear it, I weep as if hearing it for the first time. You know the whip, the "cat of nine tails" with the wet leather, and bits of broken bone, metal and glass embedded in each strip, for the purpose of not just whipping, but to embed in the victim's flesh and then, the soldier would pull down, to destroy the flesh. The whip was intended to separate the trap muscle from the neck. Thirteen lashes on each side of the neck, and 13 down the spine, however, most people died before the 39th. Besides the betrayal Jesus experienced from his follower Judas, the injustice of the illegal trials, He experienced the physical torture for us, so He could, (as pastor Chris says), qualify to be our best friend. He's experienced everything we have, betrayal, false accusations, humiliation, embarrassment, etc so He can say, "I've been there". The humiliation He endured after He survived the whip was experienced in the "locker room" of the soldiers. Where they stripped him naked, blindfolded him, and hit and kicked him as they said things like, "if you are the Christ, which one of us kicked you?" The crown of thorns was horrible in and of itself, as it was forced down on his head, not just causing cuts to bleed out, but also internal bleeding, which I couldn't imagine the type of migraine and pressure He endured. Then the nails, (most likely hammered through His wrist because had they been in his palms, the weight of his body would simply have caused them to rip through his hands), used to pierce his flesh-and for our transgressions. As he alternated positions, his weight bared on his lungs until he could breath no more, He had to slide up-the splintered wood on his open-flesh back- to simply take a breath before sinking back down. He was in this position, most likely for 6 hours. Why? Why go through all that? And not just Jesus, but as I listened to Pastor Chris go over this horrific day's events, I wept, not just for Jesus', but for His Father. To see my tiny Layah bleed, comfortably sedated, for 12 hours, knowing I was helpless to heal her, now thinking of God's heart as He watched His only Son go through this, knowing He could stop it, all of it, I was overwhelmed with grief for Him, God the Father. He could have stopped Jesus' pain, healed Him, struck down the soldiers torturing Him, but He didn't because this was the plan all along. This was why they chose this time in history of all, for capital punishment was the most horrendous, in hopes that this would show us just how much He loves us. What else could He have done? That He would allow His only Son to go through this, for us to become heirs of His. Wow. As our service ended, I went to the cross and thanked Him. I thanked Him for sparing Layah so much pain. I thanked Him for loving her more than we could imagine love. I thanked Him for the 6 days we shared with her. I asked Him to give us life for this new baby, and by His stripes, heal my womb. Make it safe for this child and any to come. I knew when I wrote the letter to Layah, I read at her funeral, He knew my grief. But today I realized, He didn't just know it, but He experienced it with me. As I wept for her, He wept at my pain and suffering in losing her, since I am His child, His heir. I praise Him for His victory over sin and death, and that as Jesus was resurrected, so will we all, and I'll see my precious baby girl again. I hope this Easter, all of us will not just go through the motions of remembering this holiday, but we'll truly experience it. Let it change us. Let us receive all the gifts it brings, Peace, Hope, Joy, Forgiveness, Healing, Life completely. I pray if you read this and are not in a personal relationship with Him, you will call His name, and tell Him how much you need Him, and acknowledge yourself a sinner as we all are, and how you want Him to live in you. You need His peace, His joy, His hope, His love, His forgiveness. I pray you will tell Him you know He sent His only Son, specifically for you, so that Jesus would pay a debt He didn't owe, for a debt we couldn't pay, and He was resurrected to overcome sin and death for you. There doesn't have to be a "King James" conversation, but one you'd have with a friend, your Father, someone close to you. All He wants is your heart. He takes care of the rest. The act is not religious or a ceremony, but just a passionate cry for Abba, Father, Daddy. He loves us no matter what we've done. He doesnt want us to just follow rules, and deprive us of the world's idea of "fun", but He just wants our love. If we love Him, truely love Him, like a committed husband to a wife, we follow the rules, not just out of obligation, but simply as an act of our love and devotion. He gives us Mercy we don't deserve, and Grace we don't either. He wants each of us to call on Him to find our purpose on this earth, and to fulfill it. I hope you are blessed by this message today, as He deserves all glory and honor. Thank you Jesus for saving me from myself. He LIVES!!!

Faithfully His,

Mika

surgery follow up apt

I had some pain this morning on my way into work. Since the cerclage surgery, I've felt more pressure and pain if my bladder is not emptied quickly. So with traffic being really bad from Alabster into Pelham because of construction, I took my typical side route through Oak Mountain, but it was still a longer trip than usual. By the time I got to 119, I was hurting and stopped into Mcdonald's to tee tee. I felt better afterwards, but once I got into work, the pain kinda turned into a lower side-stich pain, like you feel on a long run's start. I went to the bathroom a few more times, and it seemed to subside. I was scheduled to see Dr. Ramsey today at 3:15 anyway but when the pain started again at lunchtime, I decided to go ahead and head downtown early-plus, the storms are gonna be pretty bad this afternoon, and I needed to go by and pick up Tobi's new red\black ear molds and his hearing aid, that was sent off for repair, and had come back in. I'm so thankful that the MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) clinic always squeezes me in without a second thought. Dr. Ramsey was paged that I had come early and came right over. I did a "clean catch" urin specimen. He listenned with the dopplar and her heart beat was fine. He pushed around on me and said that because it was more to the side, it didnt sound like a problem from the cerclage, but would double ck the urin to make sure there was no blood in it that could be coming from the bladder. He gave me my prescription for the compounding pharmacy to get my hydroxprogesterone shots, that I'll start in 3 weeks from today-16 weeks. We talked a few minutes about my precious friend Rachel, (that God joined me with a couple of weeks after Layah's funeral. Matt's mom and her husband Thomas were having issues with the water spouts at the cemetery and began talking.) who was my soon-to-be doctor, Dr. Joey Biggio's patient with her pregnancy in December 2007 when she and Thomas lost their son, Isaac, on the day he was born, from Trisomy 16. I was telling him to let Dr. Biggio know that she's having a baby girl in July, (as she's seeing another OB in the practice now). Before either of us were pregnant, we talked about wanting the same sex baby that we'd lost, which apparently is typical. So when she found out they were having a girl, I asked her about the feelings she had. I wondered if there was any disappointment along with her joy. I realized in our talk, that it seems that our brain & emotions must "reset" the minute that the baby's sex is determined because then it's no longer an "it" but there is an identity to this life in you. With Trisomy babies, the condition is the baby has a whole extra set of chromosomes, similar to Down's Syndrome where there is just 1 single extra chromosome, but Trisomy babies, for the most part, not compatible with life because of this, but the condition is diagnosed fairly early, about 16 weeks. So the pregnancy is a long and sad pregnancy with usually a fatal outcome. As Rachel's fears were of this baby's health, and once everything was measured and was perfect, her worry was not gone because of just the common pregnancy possible complications, but was minimized concerning the Trisomy. However, with me, I really wont be completely without worry, until I hold our sweet baby in my arms. I have peace, but of course there are human feelings that I have to wrestle with. Afterall, my children are perfect. I am the one that is "incompitent" as the diagnosis portrays. I know God makes no mistakes, so I guess I picture myself with traits of Jacob who wrestled the angel and walked with a limp the rest of his life. Not because God couldnt heal him, but because He wanted it to be reminder of his dependence on God. I could have had perfect pregnancies, but I wouldnt be who I am today had I. Well, keep praying. Please pray that my discomfort will dissipate and it will be something minor like inflammation from the healing cervix, or pulling ligaments or a bladder/kidney infection that can be resolved with antibiotics. We know this child is promised and He will bring life to us in September.

Faithfully His,

Mika