Johanna's anniversary is Tuesday April 6th, and she had expected to be pregnant by the anniversary of the twins' birth\death. I try to give her hope, causing her to think that maybe a year is not long enough to grieve over 2 babies gone. It's so consuming, grief is. You want the feelings of despair to be gone, so once I was pregnant with Luke, I had something to focus on. Not that the grief went away or I stopped thinking about Layah, but I just had it to consume my thoughts. A "friend" I met through Dana, Kim Kelly, lost quads about a month ago at 23 weeks. I have been in touch with her and she has responded once to me. I cant imagine the magnitude of her loss, as losing Layah was like losing part of my being for many months. Her friend and I have talked as well. I know she's going through many feelings right now and none of them are bad. She feels guilty, numb, sad, angry, etc...everything I felt and more. She has an older daughter, Grace, who is 8. I explained to her that I also felt guilty just for not being able to function and take care of Tobi the month following Layah's death. I just wanted to sleep on the couch all day...and cry. Getting on the wellbutrin was a tremendous help, but also making my self get out. Thank the Lord I did have Tobi to get out with me, otherwise, who knows how long it might have taken me to just go to the grocery store. And thank God for my sweet friend Rachel. I couldn't have gotten through it without her as well. Just being able to talk to her and her know how I felt.
I emailed Kim to share with her just a thought, which was my new perspective of this Holy Day. Having always been overwhelmed with sadness and just really being upset seeing how Jesus was tortured, seeing it from His Father's eyes has been just as emotional. He knows our pain. He knows our despair and our sadness. I know that it seems distant to Johanna and Kim right now, but I pray every day that they will feel His presence, and even if they don't, they will know that He will "never leave or forsake them". When Luke is asleep in my arms and I carry him to his bed and put his cheek against mine, the smell and his soft skin are a piece of heaven, and I am reminded that I would do it all again. I'm sure God has those moments with us, when we make Him proud and He smiles and says, "yup, I'd do it all again, just for you!" His love is just so hard to understand. It's just not given justice with our pitiful English language. I mean, the same word for how we feel about our dog, our spouse and our favorite ice cream? Really?.
Well, as usual, I'm ministered to by a song. It's called More Like Falling In Love and it's by Jason Gray. It's a great song and the words are so true. It's not a religion, it's a relationship. We are made a new creation by a relationship with our King. It's all about that unconditional love He has for us and our commitment to let Him be Lord of our life.