fellow blogger who lost a baby girl in April 2008

One of my coworker friends sent me this blog, http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

of a mom of 3 girls who lost their baby girl on 040708. As I read her blog, I was so in awe. I think she may be publishing her story in a book. (wish I was that talented). The name of her blog is "Bring the Rain". Her little girl's name was Aubrey. Just like the other mom who lost her daughter 092607, Copeland, that I've posted the Youtube video for, this family has a memorial video that was made by a talented friend. I hope you will watch it, but get the tissues out. I also wanted you to read the lyrics, as they are so touching, and exactly the way I felt when Layah died.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

This was an older post that I've had saved as a draft....(busy being a mom to 2 is wonderful!)

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says...I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the

One Who's chosen Me

To carry you

Luke's a month old on Wednesday, God's faithfullness

Today as I nursed Luke this morning, I just cried and praised God for His greatness and blessings. I told Luke just how much we all prayed for him and wanted him SO much. It's still surreal to look at his angelic face and just really see the face of God all over him. Last week or so, as we were driving somewhere, I was condensing my brag book of photos from 2 (one for Tobi and one for Layah) I was taking the pictures out of Layah's book and trying to decide which ones to keep in my brag book. As I looked at her face, I could see a strong resemblance of Luke. You may not believe that since here eyes were even still fused shut, but as her mother and Luke's mother, I can see it. I wept for the future that she would not have, but at the same time, the future that she and our Heavenly Father gave to Luke. I still ask why. Why did you not allow us to find out that my body had this problem until it was too late for Layah? And I know that one day, He will tell me, but for now, I have to just remember, daily, that Luke's future and destiny was already marked out before Layah even was to be conceived, so whatever the reason, His plan-as always-is much better than mine. Who knows, maybe Luke will be the President of the United States, serving as a God-fearing man, who is unashamed of his faith, and bold in his declaration of it, yet completely accepted by our country. I know God does have great things planned for him and Tobi, after all, Jeremiah 29:11 was put in our family's heart a long time ago. The verse I read today was this:

Romans 8:26-29 (New International Version)
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."

This verse has many important aspects to me. I feel that on many days, "Lord, I hate to pray the same things over and over every day", but maybe this is what I am to do, stay on those prayers that the Spirit lays on my heart that maybe others are too "weak" to pray. I know at times, going through Layah's death and my pregnancy with Luke, I felt too "weak" to pray, and I know for sure, many, many others prayed on my behalf. He "searched my heart" and had other "saints" who I call my dear friends in Christ, to send up those prayers on my behalf, how awesome is that! Even though we are told to pray, "...ask and it shall be given unto you..." on those times when we just cant, He's made a way for it to still be done!

I think the second part of the verse is equally as important. Many know this verse, but I think a lot of times, we miss the second part..."who love him who are called according to His purpose..." When we have that question, why do bad things happen to good people, this is why. In a weird sorta way in my mind, this is the balance. If we have a heart after God, if we love Him, ALL things, even those things the enemy attacks our body and spirit with, will fall into the plan that the Lord already has planned out for us when we became a follower of Christ. (I don't necessary believe that God has the exact blueprint design created until we make that step. He can make adjustments to fulfill the plan once we give up self and choose to follow Him, but I don't think that He actually has the "details" until we make that decision.After all, He gave us free will.) The verse says "His purpose", so we are not always gonna know, or understand, what that purpose is. Our "good" maybe a different interpretation than what His good is. The point is, we just have to have faith that His plan, no matter what the trials, is better than ours. That's why we gave Layah "Faith" as her middle name. We did not know if she would live or die, but regardless, we had to have faith that in the end, He would be glorified and her life would be complete, and it was.

The last part of the verse spoke tome about Tobi... "29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." I think that this speaks to me so clearly that the plan for Tobi to be allowed to be born so early and survive, having his first and middle name (Tobias Gabriel) mean, "Yahweh is good", and "the messenger" was prophetic. He was declaring this and he was to be our first born son. We were promised life and it was fulfilled!

Well, I have a little guy who's making his "Ton-ton" sound telling me he's ready to eat! I'll post some more pics soon!

Faithfully His,

Mika

Recovering, round 2.....

Well, this week started out very bad. I had a headache on Saturday, which my mom had one too last week, which we contributed to the weather. Anytime the barometric pressure changes, I have a high chance of getting a migraine. Since I'm limited on what I can take nursing, plus what actually works for me, I didn't expect the migraine that came about Sunday. I ended up having to get my mom to take me to the ER-in between tears - late Sunday night. Many times with these, I just really want to die, not permanently but temporarily for the pain and agony to go away; they're that bad. So they drugged me up at St. Vincent's, and I was very comfortable. Well, I could tell before we left, as they were rushing us to sign the discharge papers and ignoring what I said as far as my pain scale number, that it was coming back behind my right eye. I got home after the 3 hour ordeal and Luke was not resting well, and although I was only at the ER for 3 hours, getting home at around 2am, Luke wanted to stay up until 5am, which with my CPT2, it's no good for me not to sleep. One thing that has really upset me, although I know it's temporary, is that I cant nurse or give Luke breast milk for 3 days because of Phenergan-not the narcotics, but the nausea medicine! They don't want the residual to make the baby sleepy because of the risk of SIDS at his age, if given it. Of course I want him to be safe, but it's really made me feel like a bit of a failure, even though it's just for 3 days. I never wanted him to have any formula. I know. I sound somewhat ridiculous, but it's how I feel. (Plus he has thrown up 100% more with the formula than he ever did with his mommy's milk.) Then Monday morning, I could tell it was back, just as bad. Matt called into work to go in late, to see if I could sleep it off. I got up and in the shower and prayed and prayed it would be gone. It was for about 10 minutes, and then was back in full effect. Matt had to go to work, so I was left, in misery, with my precious baby Luke, that I felt incapacitated to care for. My mom was at the hospital with my grandmother, and Matt's mom was at work at St. Vincent's. She was able to get off work early and come take me to the ER here in Alabaster, which is normally against my better judgement. We got there about noon and went right back, thank God. The ER doctor at Shelby questioned why they gave me narcotics to treat a migraine...( I almost said, look doc, I'm not an ER doctor and don't work for St. Vincent's. I've been going there for 10 years and that's how they treat them. Why don't you call the attending there to find out!!) I didn't, and he was young, so maybe he just didn't know what other hospitals do. So anyway, they acted like it was a big deal when we told them that I would require IV fluid because I'd been throwing up a bit and had not been able to eat anything, particularly because of my CPT2, which of course, they had NO idea about. We were there longer than at St. Vincent's, and got home about 5:30 or 6pm. They gave me a completely different "cocktail" than what I'm used to, but I was willing to do ANYTHING to get relief and keep it from coming back. They gave me Reglan, which I thought was for reflux, nausea, and indigestion, and Toprol, which is apparently equivalent to 800 mg of Ibuprofen, and Compazine which is for nausea. I was so extremely sleepy until this morning about 10am. I'm just glad that that's all over. I hate not being able to take care of myself, much less my family. It's a very helpless feeling.

Now, Luke is doing great, besides having to get the formula instead of my milk. He seems to be recovering from a case of the thrush, basically a yeast infection in his mouth that can become very painful for babies and even adults. We call him our little "ton-ton" which is the furry white creature in the movie Star Wars Empire Strikes Back (of course) that makes this grunting sound....check it out on this Youtube video, it starts in at 1:04 :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52U2WJyjBl0 I am still so in awe of how awesome a baby he is. God just truely has blessed us beyond what we could ever earn or deserve!

Now finally for a devotional! I read today Deuteronomy 11:13-21 (New International Version) "So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today—to love the LORD your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul- then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and oil. I will provide grass in the fields for your cattle, and you will eat and be satisfied. Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them. Then the LORD's anger will burn against you, and he will shut the heavens so that it will not rain and the ground will yield no produce, and you will soon perish from the good land the LORD is giving you. Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, 21 so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth." Following up from the service that was given at COH (church of the highlands) on Sunday, I am extremely aware of what lies ahead for Matt and I in raising Tobi, Luke, and any other children we may have. With the world around us continueing to spew temptation, lies, and false hope and happieness, we have to not only pray over our children but also to pray with our children. Now days, it is more important than every for our children to know where true happiness and fulfillment comes from, and what roads lead to distruction. If we dont discuss how important faith and a personal relationship with Christ is, our children will be extremely vunerable to the lies of this world. Matt and I both did a good bit of regretable activities as young adults, but given that the Lord has forgiven us and wiped it clean with the blood of Jesus, we now have a more sensitive eye to the things that can be thrown at our children. We know what lured us into such activities and how to keep our children from following that path. Many parents think that if they were honest with their children about what activities they were involved in growing up, they will look like hypocrits when "preaching" against it to their children, but I believe that this is quite the opposite. Just because man doesnt always follow God's word, it's still the standard. Just because the parents may have messed up doesnt mean that the standard is any different. We have to make sure that they understand that. We are not the standard, but God's word is, and that is who we must direct our children to follow. Now, yes we do have to be an example, but when it's concerning our past, that's how we have to address that issue. This is what the devotional I read today said, "Telling children the stories in God’s Word is especially crucial because the Bible’s enduring truth can shape character and show consequences of actions (1 Cor. 10:11). Tiny seeds of faith can be cultivated in fertile soil and help children to see how God has worked in the lives of His followers throughout history. Bible stories also show how God is intimately involved in our lives." I cant agree more.

Faithfully His,

Mika

PHOTO SESSION WITH STEPHANIE FISHER

These were taken this morning at our home. The friend of mine who did the maternity pictures, also took these. These are just a few that she took and they turned out awesome! I'll post a blog of my thoughts next. I've been in some pain lately and am not sure why, since Luke's 2 weeks old. You'd think I'd be healed, or at least having less pain, but ever since last week, one side of where my section was performed, feels as though I'm being stabbed or needles stuck in it, anytime I'm standing or moving about. Not sure what that's about, but I've left 2 voicemails for the nurse, but havent heard back. Anway, enjoy this teaser of pictures of Luke.

October 13th, 2009 Is this not the most precious newborn you've ever seen?!

Just a sweet sleeping baby pose...

Now, this one has special meaning. The pink beenie is in the photo (scroll all the way to the bottom of the blog) with his big sister Layah. The blue one is the one that was photographed with Tobi, when he was born at 2 lbs 3 oz. I thought it turned out just perfect.

God is so faithful!

Faithfully His,

Mika

More pictures of this beautiful boy!

October 8th, 2009, Luke loves to be in the "Moby" close to Mommy

October 10th, 2009, this was just too cute, not to take a picture of!

Our little "treat", October 11th, 2009

October 11th,2009 Luke & Nana

So Blessed beyond belief

Getting some sun to get the bilirubin down, October 2nd,2009

It's seems as though time speeds up when you are just having the most wonderful time. I cant believe Luke is already 11 days old. I just soak up each day with him, as I know this newborn time, will be gone in a flash. Each moment I look at his precious face, tiny fingers and toes, and just gaze into his eyes, I feel like I'm truly experiencing a little bit of heaven, knowing he's come from where his sister is, where our Heavenly Father is. I read a devotional today wit the verse John 15:9-17 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other." The story was of a pilot who was caring a load of ammunition made the ultimate sacrifice of crashing his plan in a bay rather than ejecting and letting the plan crash in a populated neighborhood. It was just a reminder to me of 2 sacrifices. I believe that the Lord may have allowed Layah to chose to give up herself and her life with us, for her brother, Luke. I know some may question this belief, but considering the verse above, and that Jesus willingly gave himself up as the ultimate sacrifice for us, I totally believe that with Layah's spirit being mature, she was able to make this choice. I don't know why, but I believe that God has something amazing planned for Luke. I pray over him daily that the Lord will continue to protect him and Tobi from things of this world and the enemy, as well as that He would plant the seed of purpose in Tobi and Luke, as well as giving them a very sensitive spirit, so that they would accept Christ into his heart at a young age, allowing the Lord to work in a mighty way in each of my boys.

My heart has really been aching for Johanna, Amber, and Allison. Just knowing what joy and true bliss I am feeling now, I so long for each of them to experience this, Johanna and Amber for the first time, and Allison, once again. I ask that many of you pray for each of them, and that the Lord would heal their wombs, hearts, and emotions and would bless them with the gift of life this up coming year. To hear from a friend that a UAB L&D nurse told her that most of the young moms that give birth there do not want their babies in the room with them, but would rather them stay in the nursery most of their stay, breaks my heart, knowing of these moms, and having been one, who so desperately want a child to love and care for. Lord, please give these women who seek after your heart, the gift of life this year, as you have our family.

Faithfully His,

Mika

LUKE HAS ARRIVED!!! September 28th, 2009

For those of you not aware, Luke arrived on Monday morning at 2:58am by c-section weighing 7 lbs 9.6 oz and 19 3\4 in long! I had done a lot of activity on Sunday afternoon. Matt pressure washed the outside of the house and I "supervised". I had a lot of cleaning and organizing outside to do, then mom and I did some cleaning on the inside, so I guess with all that activity, it got him here before the scheduled section. I woke up about midnight and as I went to the bathroom, felt my water break. Matt was asleep on the couch, cause I'd turned the TV on,unable to sleep, after he was ready for bed. I went to wake him after I made sure it was time, and told him, "honey, I think my water just broke". He was like, "What?!" I told him not to panic, everything was fine. He said, "do I have time to shave?!" because he'd gone several days and was very scruffy. I felt like we did, so I got the last minute things packed, got Tobi up and ready, and let the dog out. I started having contractions, and we got going. We dropped Tobi off at Nana and Papa's, and by that 10 minute drive, the contractions were really starting to get strong and close. By the time we got there, I'd really saturated the towel I'd brought to sit on. I knew it wouldn't be long. Once I was there, OMG, the contractions were coming and I was hollering! I didn't cuss, but said, "Oh GOSH!" and "OWE" about 100 times. They got me some pain medication to take the edge off just a bit until I could get the spinal. So, then it was done. They pulled him out at 2 minutes till 3am, and hearing him cry, hearing that loud, healthy cry, was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard! I didn't cry surprisingly, but I think it's because I was so overwhelmed, and still in kinda disbelief it was actually happening. He is the most beautiful baby. I wonder if this is what Tobi would have looked like, had he come full term. He has huge feet! I will take a picture of his feet compared to Tobi's and Layah's. It's amazing! I had a very difficult day on Tuesday. I woke up with extremely excruciating pain in my shoulder radiating down into my rib cage. I was crying but with every breath it felt as though someone was kicking me in the rib and stabbing me in the shoulder blade. Apparently, this pain, was referred pain from gas! I was shocked, but apparently it's pretty common after surgery. I thought I was dying and worried it was a blood clot or something. Thank God it passed by Thursday morning. I had some great friends visit us in the hospital, and of course all our family. It was very surreal that this joyous time was finally ours. Matt was amazing while I was in the hospital. It really is like we're first-time parents all over again. Matt is 180-degree different than when Tobi was born. He's such an amazing husband and father. I'm so glad that we never let the enemy destroy our marriage when it was so under attack. We wouldn't have this beautiful miracle!

I have to tell you about Wednesday afternoon. Matt and I were just hanging out in the room, and I just began to feel very weired. I felt like my hearing in my right hear was distorted a bit, and that my heart was racing. I felt short of breath and like I wanted to get outside. I knew that it was very similar to the fear, anxiety, terrified feeling I felt the week of Layah's birth\death anniversary, and that it was a panic attack. I asked the nurse to come in and check my pulse, and she did. It was 100, but not alarming. I know she thought I was crazy when I told her how I was feeling, but then I felt it was an attack of the enemy. I walked up and down the hall, taking deep breaths, but the feeling were not relieved. I felt something was gonna happen to me or Luke, and i was just scared. Then I went back in the room and decided to take a shower. In the shower, I just began praying, and worshiping and just praying against the enemy. I felt calmed, and relaxed after about 30 minutes and just continued to sing His praises as I got out. I went over to Luke and just prayed over him, and the continued peace followed. I know that this was not just a panic attack, but the enemy's attack, and through the Holy Spirit, we won. I don't know if he just thought he'd try one last time to terrorize me, but it did NOT work, Praise God!

We were discharged Thursday by lunch, and the nurse that was my discharge nurse, was a nurse that had worked in RNICU with one of the nurses that kept Tobi, and we'd met at this other nurse's daughter's first birthday party in January 2004. It was so nice to have a nurse that new of our fight for Tobi's life in the RNICU and our loss of Layah, and now to get to celebrate with us in the miracle we have in Luke. Luke is such an amazing baby. He is nursing so well. It's so odd how tiny he seems to me, but yet he is the same size Tobi was when we brought him home. Luke's billirubin was a bit elevated so we had to go to the peds office on Friday and again on Saturday to have it rechecked. It's coming down so there is no need for him to need photo therapy. We're just getting him some "sunbathing time" in the swing in the window. I had developed a cough while in the hospital, and was concerned since my staples were removed Thursday morning. I thought that was a bit soon, but the docs said that since I'm thin, they take them out before discharge. If I was a very large person, they'd leave them in longer. Apparently the staples are more cosmetic than anything. The fascias muscle underneath, and uterus sutures are sewn very tightly, so the staples are just to close skin. Anyway, Thursday evening, in getting Luke's bassinet ready for him, I leaned over and coughed, without being able to hold my wound, and felt a sharp ripping pain. I was scared. I went and looked and saw some of it had opened up. I was so upset. I told Matt and he was afraid we were gonna have to go to the hospital, but after I called them and my mother in law who's a nurse, I was assured that it was okay, and the steristrips I'd put on it, along with the waterproof medical tape, should do just fine. I didn't have any other symptoms that would be signs of bleeding internally or anything, so it was just another scare tactic of the enemy. I talked to my precious nurse, Veronica, on Friday and she said that all that was true and that I could come by clinic on Wednesday to get it looked at. So, that's all worked out as well.

We have been home now for almost 3 days and it's still so dream-like to have him healthy and home with us. I say "Praise God" a million times a day! We went by the cemetery after the peds office on Friday, and got Luke out to see where his sister is laid to rest. I was emotionally, but just really thanked the Lord for allowing Layah to give up her place for her brother, as he must have an amazing plan for Luke's life and future. One of my "sisters" Ginger asked me the other day, in the most delicate and loving way she could, hoping not to upset or anger me, if I was glad that Layah had gone on to be with the Lord, having been born so early and with the potential for so many life long debilitating complications. I really feel that was best now, of course you could not have spoken anything close to that a year ago. Of course I would have wanted her to be living and healthy and whole, but if she'd lived and been a prisoner to a body that was broken and not free, I would love her and take care of her, but know this plan of the Lord's was much better than what I wanted at the time. I think of my sweet friends, Amber, Johanna, and Allison that are on the journey to the life of a child and I pray that they will get to experience the changing seasons the way I did. I could not have anticipated the happiness and joy I feel now, at this time last year. Like Ecclesiastes 3:1-10 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, "

I pray that my dear friends will be blessed with 2010 as a new year for life and many blessings. I will post a devotional soon.

We have so much to be thankful for. Thank you to all of you who read this and have lifted our family up in your prayers. We know that is the only way Luke got here, by the petitions of God's children!

Faithfully His,

Mika