Friday, September 25, 2009

Approaching our special days

It's so surreal to believe that this time next week, we'll have our precious miracle, Luke Jeremiah Shelfer here with us. It's such a difference compared to our sorrows last year, as we approached the 40 week due date that Layah would have had, September 26th. It's so ironic that as I am now 38.1 weeks, we are so ready for him to be here, and for 8 months, all we wanted was for him to stay in! I've not been sleeping well, for several reasons, but in all honesty, it's because I will wake up and think, "I haven't felt him move" and then after I use the bathroom I spend several minutes "waking him up" to get him to move, before I go back to sleep and the cycle continues about 2 hours later. Each time, I praise God for this life.

October 15th is the Remembrance Day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss and I'd like for you to check out a video on Youtube it's very touching to me and I hope many of you will do this for me, another friend or loved one, or at least think of us on that day. My mom gave me a poem, that a co worker of hers, who had lost a child, had given her a copy of when a friend of my mom's daughter passed away. I changed it to "she" for my personal reasons:

God's Loan

I'll lend to you for a little time a child of mine He said,
For you to love thee while she lives and mourn for when she's dead.
She may be six or seven years or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call her back, take care of her for Me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you and should her stay be brief,
You'll have these precious memories, as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked this whole world over in search for teachers true,
And in the crowds that throng life's land, I have selected you.
Now will you give her all your love nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take her back again?
It seems to me, I heard them say, Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joys thy child will bring, the risk of grief will run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known forever, grateful stay.
And should the angels call for her, much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.
Author unknown

I thought about the title and how true it is for all of us parents. Our children do not belong to us, they are loaned to us. As I looked at Robyn's video of Remembrance, I saw related videos, that were just as touching, and sad other families had made themselves of their own loss. Even now, my heart breaks at times, remembering that Layah is gone. Our hearts, many times, have a "mind" of their own. We know our children who have passed are in His arms, and safe, and better than we are, but our hearts cannot connect with this understanding, nor that we will be together again. It's only for parents that cling to the Holy Spirit, and the precious Savior that this connection can be made. I could not imagine trying to "understand" the death of Layah, without my faith, and comfort that only came from my Heavenly Father. Here is one more video, I've shared before, but want those of you who haven't seen it to watch it. The mom is my age and lives in TN with her daughter Sellers, and daughter Emmertte. Their middle daughter, Copeland, passed away after 8 days. She died on September 26th 2007 from a condition called Trisomy 16, which is chromosomal defect that is not compatible with life, and most babies do not make it to term and die in utero. She showed the world that she would live beyond all expectations and complete her purpose. Their singer\songwriter friend wrote this song for her, which I ball every time I hear. The words were so overwhelming (and still are) when I was going through the most difficult time of grief for Layah.

I know that the Lord's plan is so much better, in the whole picture, than I could ever create. I know I would not be the person I am today had I not been through all the things I have over the past 30 years. Lord, help me to always trust your way, and not to decide to do things my way. Give me wisdom and discernment. Remind me that there is nothing that is impossible for you. Show me how to love others the way that You love them. Break my heart for the things that break yours and use me to make a difference with all the expereinces I've had.
Faithfully His,

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