Day by Day

So this week I am 21 weeks and at 21.3 weeks is when I began to have problems with Layah. I have been struggling with fear and worry. I know that the Lord does not give us a spirit of fear but of courage, as His word says, but my flesh-and hormones- are speaking quite the opposite. I read today a verse that I know is for Luke, after all it is from the book of Luke, Luke 18:16 " Now Jesus called the children to Him and said 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.' " So I am going to speak in faith that this means that Luke's arrival will not be hindered by prematurity or problems. I reached out to Rick Burgess after Layah passed away since I felt a connection with his family. We found out we were expecting Layah the day that Bronner went to be with the Lord, and I remember at that time, saying to myself, "I couldn't imagine what that kind of pain and sorrow is like, to lose a child"., and yet 5 months later, we were experiencing that pain. Knowing his faith, I wanted to hear what verses he and his family stood on for hope through their grief, and he was so kind in responding very quickly. Since then, I have kept him up to date on my pregnancy with Luke. This morning he was talking about sweet Bronner, and that it was his birthday. He would have been 4 years old. Rick's love for his son, and life-changing testimony brought out all the emotions I'd been trying to hold in until next week, the week of Layah's birth\death day. I don't know why I felt like I couldn't start remembering her now. So I cried, and wept and thought about Rick's family's loss of Bronnor and our loss of Layah, and listened to how Rick talked about what glory to God that Bronnor brought in his 2 years, and as I've said before, many times, it's too short of a life for us- 2 years, 6 days, 80 years-it's all short in comparison to eternity. I emailed Rick when I got to work to just share with him my thoughts and prayers for his family and ask for his prayers for us, with this upcoming week. I thought about many things Rick said of Bronnor and agreed with him completely that God's purpose for both Bronnor and Layah was made complete, and as Rick mentioned what I've said before, we'd never want Bronnor and Layah to come back to us, no matter how much we miss them. Rick reminded the audience of the verse in John 16:33 " I have told you these things so that IN ME you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." He never guaranteed us a life with no problems, once we became a follower of Christ, quite the opposite. But we have everlasting hope. The end has already been written. We, the adopted children of God, win and have every lasting life-we will see our precious children again! As I've said before many times, I feel to blame for Layah's life being cut so short, that I couldn't keep her safe in my womb. Today as I feel that, He reminded me in His word, that it is no one's fault. As Rick says, and I agree, we live in a fallen creation, and life and death are hand in hand. The verse I read was John 9:1-11, "As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he be born blind?' 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned' said Jesus, 'but this happened SO THAT THE WORK OF GOD MIGHT BE DISPLAYED IN HIS LIFE.' Then Jesus healed the man's sight. He didn't heal him as a "magic show", but to show He is\was God, and I believe to show that only he can change a life of darkness and bring light and true living. This was the man who I believe was a probably uneducated & simple minded man, but I believe was able to condensed witnessing to just a simple phrase, "The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Slloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see." I've referred to him before, he's just saying to all the "religious leaders" something like, "I don't know how He did it, all I know is I was blind, now I see. It's as simple as that." So today, as I trust the Lord that He will bring Luke to us, healthy, whole and full of life and not before 36 weeks, I ask you to pray for my assurance of this, and my peace as the week that changed our family forever approaches.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Prophetic Names

First I will let you know that we have a name for this little guy, Luke Jeremiah Shelfer. With much thought, and then once I called him by name myself, I knew it was the one. We have agreed on Luke as the first name. Obviously Luke was a man of God and close follower of Christ, so that's most important. Luke comes from a Latin word that means "bringer of light". The biblical Luke was also known as "the beloved physician". Second, of course Layah's little brother must be named Luke-although in Star Wars they were twins. Finally, in the Shelfer family history, we think Luke was Tobias' grandson, so it's a family name. Most of you that know our family well, know that our family's favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you , 'declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future." Since this little guy probably wouldn't like "Hope" for a middle name, and we plan to give that to his sister someday, we figured this would be the next best thing, naming him after a great prophet who wrote Lamentations, I & II Kings and Jeremiah. It also means, in Hebrew, "the Lord exalts" or "God will raise up" and "God will set free". We know with our other 2 children, how prophetic names are. Obviously with Layah, and her name meaning, "delicate" and "child of heaven" and "heavenly flower" we didn't think she'd be returning to heaven but coming from heaven, nevertheless, her name was prophetic, as with her big brother. Tobias means "Yahweh is good", and his middle name Gabriel, besides being one of the leading archangels, also meaning "the messenger" and we believe Tobi has a very sensitive spirit and will do mighty things for God. So that's it. We have named our sweet little blessing of hope as this blog is named. Again, as we approach the "marker" weeks when we had and lost sweet Layah, (23.3 weeks), and Tobi came, (26.5 weeks) we ask that you would pray that I will not have any signs of premature labor, pain, discomfort, bleeding, leaking fluid, contractions, anything. Please pray that my womb will remain a safe place for Luke to grow, mature, and develop to his full potential, until his arrival around the second week of September- and not a week sooner.

Now, today's message at church was worth reflecting on. It was about not losing focus over the summer when not only do we want to take a break from work, school, the stresses of a schedule and so much structure, but many times we find that we've taken a "break" from our relationship with God. We are to proclaim, warn, teach, and help each other reach our full potential in Christ, as it says in Colossians 1:28-29. Pastor Chris gave us some questions to ask ourselves and I will pose them to you (and myself): How are you doing in your relationship with the Lord? Am I connecting with God regularly- and he wasn't just talking about reading scripture and going to church, as many may do those and never truly connect with God, what about staying connected in my relationships with people? Am I relating with people effectively? Am I serving Him passionately? Now, those are some tough questions to answer-honestly. But think about them...if it makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe that's the point. I felt it. I know I need to work harder at being who He would have me to be. I think if I'm comfortable, that might mean I'm slipping away and not even know it. As Paul wrote in Philippians, 3:13-14 "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus," Paul knew he constantly had work to do, even in a prison cell. He couldn't just do nothing. (and he communicated to the masses without Email!) I know he asked himself those questions I posed. I mean, look at the life he had led before Christ, he persecuted and condoned the killing of followers of Christ, the Messiah. He knew that we constantly must look in the mirror of "Christ" (I am referring to the perfect example we are to strive to achieve) and see how we're doing. What is reflecting back to us? Satan will constantly try and bring back up our past, as I'm sure that he did with Paul. He might say, "Look what you've done. you cant share God with others because you were once living apart from Him, and you still fall on your face. You are no theologian or scholar or even learned in the scriptures as some teachers.Who are you? What can you do?" I think that's what Paul was talking about, "forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I looked at several meanings of this word, straining, and although I don't know what word was actually used in Greek in the bible, it may have been one that ones I found. The word straining means "to exert as oneself to the utmost" and "to stretch beyond a proper limit" and "to pull against resistance". So that's what we're to do, press toward the goal, by straining against everything that comes against us, spiritually, emotionally, financially, all of it. To achieve that "goal and win the prize" you really have to know what your purpose is, what you're goal is. We have an awesome "class" at church that helps you see what your personality is and what spiritual gifts you have been given. It's funny cause when I took it, I scored the lowest on teaching, and that's so me. I could never be a teacher. I don't have the patience nor the desire, because that's not MY gift. (God bless you teachers!!!) I scored the highest on advocacy, and arts and crafts. That is so me! Obviously, we are advocates with the March of Dimes, and I hope one day when my children are grown, I can really get involved more with that. I would like to start a support group at UAB for moms who have lost a baby in the NICU, and hopefully soon, after the new women's and children section of the hospital is complete in 2010, that will happen. That's my goal, to reach out to hurting moms. I also want to get really active in Sav-a-life, but right now, it's obviously too painful,so that's a goal, and I'll get there with His help. Each of us should be passionate about something that brings glory to our God. Whether you're a bus driver, work in a restaurant, work in an office setting, or you're a stay at home mom, we can all make a small difference. I don't think we get it sometimes when the bible talks about the "sanctuary" and the "church". WE are the sanctuary. WE are the church, not the building. I cracked up when pastor Chris said, " I just say our building is an auditorium....a Wal-mart with a cross on the front" isn't that true. So this week, as I will, pray that you will connect, with the Lord, and with others in a way that you might not have the day before.

Faithfully His,

Mika

BLUE or PINK....drum roll.....

Today was the big day. So, are you ready....we will be seeing a lot of BLUE!!!! Yes, we are having a boy! I saw "it" before the tech even announced it! I fell in love as soon as I saw him today. He has been very active over the past week, more so than his big brother or sister. He was perfect. The tech measured and checked everything and it was all perfectly there. He is in the top 62% of his weight. He weighs a whopping 9 oz! Obviously this can change from time to time, but that's where we are today. Yes, we were actually surprised, but we know that God's plan is better than ours. That just must mean, we're not through having children yet! I'd always wanted 2 boys and a girl, with the boys being older brothers, and it looks as though maybe that will someday be the case, but for now, we are thrilled to now have an "identity" of this little life in me. We like the name Luke for many reasons, Luke from the Bible, Luke is a Shelfer family name of one of the first 10 recorded Shelfer' s, just as the name "Tobias" is, and of course Luke is in Star Wars ! So, Matt's hooked, but I am not ready to commit yet, plus we've got to think of a middle name. So now at least the sex is "official" (however, just today I heard of 2 different people that were told they were having "x" and then had "y"!!), but I'm pretty sure, considering what was VERY obvious, as to the sex of the little guy. Tobi is very excited to have a little brother, of course, it wouldn't have mattered one way or the other with him. I was thinking, as I drove home, of all the testosterone that will be in the house!!! Gracey (our chocolate lab) doesn't quite balance things out! OK so now start praying for specifics. Pray this little boy is safe in my womb. Pray that I wont have any premature labor, or any problems with the cerclage, infection, or any complications that can lead to premature births. Pray that this little guy will get to have a September birthday, just like his big brother. I will see Dr. Ramsey every 2 weeks, until he leaves- the second week of June, and may even go weekly around 22 weeks, but that's not been determined yet. Just stand in faith with us that this little warrior is gonna lead many to our awesome Creator through his long, long life!

I will say this about Mother's Day, although I cherish the day that I first heard Tobi say, "mama", it was very difficult to "celebrate" this time. I felt in some ways, that guilt, that I couldn't "mother" Layah as I was suppose to. I failed her. I know that's just Satan, but I felt it for a moment. I was kinda glad-however weird that may seem- that it rained a bit. It was kinda of a sign to me that our Heavenly Father, recognized the loss I feel and all the other mothers-to-be that lost her child/children, that I've met over this past year, and those that I have yet to meet. So many our forgotten, particularly on this important day. We see the cards at the store, Grandmother, Sister-in-law, Mother in law, new mother, mother-to-be, but what about the ones that weren't able to share a long life with her child\children? What about the mom-to-be-that-were-not-to-be? I was torn. I wanted to celebrate having the privilege of being Tobi's mom, but also I grieved the mother I would not be able to be for Layah. I know many who read this will know that pain in my heart and feel it too. If you read this and you are a mother, understand something very, very important, being a mother is something you should never take for granted. The ability to birth a child is a miracle, (and those mothers who adopt and accept those children into their lives have a special place in the Lord's heart, as He has adopted us through Christ) but I'm particularly addressing mom's that have the ability to give birth. Many unfortunately, abuse that gift, and do not appreciate it, and see how precious it is, but when you've walked this path I have taken, and many other moms walk beside me, behind me, and ahead of me that are not so fortunate, you realize that there are no "routine pregnancies". There are so many things that can go wrong, and so many things that must work together as a symphony to bring life into this world, each life created is a miraculous event. So make sure that you kiss your children even more so after you read this, just remembering how blessed or some say "lucky" to have healthy, "normal" children, as many would give everything they have and then some, to be in your shoes.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Child-like Faith

So today, after having spent the whole day home with Tobi today and yesterday (he had fever of 103.8 yesterday morning), it reminded me of how much I miss getting to hang out with him, just him and me. He has gotten very interested in pictures of Jesus and the cross, and sometimes the crown of thorns intrigues him. I'm not sure why. Out of the blue, he'll say, "Mom, Jesus is God. He lives in Heaven. He died on the cross so we could go to heaven." At 6 1\2 he's already grasping faith. Yes, at this point it has a lot to do with what he's been told by me and his dad, but in time, he will start to experience this God that is not only in Heaven but Emmanuel, "God with us". The devotional today was very appropriate. It was about this child-like faith. The story was about the man from Capernaum, who told Jesus of his sick servant that was suffering and paralyzed. Jesus told him that he would go to his house, but the centurion said that he didn't deserve to have Jesus under his roof, but if Jesus would simply say "he's healed", it would be so. Jesus was touched by this kind of faith; this man believed he was in the prescence of our holy God, and that He didn't have to be with the man to heal this man, He could simply say it. Wow! That's the kind of faith I want. I want to remember daily, Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being SURE of what we HOPE for and CERTAIN of what we do not SEE." This man was sure Jesus could heal his servant, and he was certain of it, without even having to see Jesus there with the man. Many times I struggle with fear, doubt, anxiety, thinking "Will God really keep this baby in me until 36 weeks? Will I experience another child dying? Is my body really gonna stay a safe place for this precious child?" But I have to stand on this verse and the promises that He's made. I have to be certain that we will see our "Hope", certain that it will be at the perfect timing, when this life will be healthy and strong and able to survive outside of my womb without medical assistance. I have to be certain that this life will NOT be cut so short. I have to be certain that this life to come is to do mighty things for His kingdom, and I am being prepared spiritually to equip this child with this type of faith. I know He miraculously healed Tobi and saved his life, because He has something special planned for him as well. Our family's favorite verse, we have on everything we can buy, is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." This has been our family's favorite verse since I was small, and my mom always stood firm on this verse, through everything that she, Derok, and I went through. She showed me that faith in what we hope for but yet do not see. There was another verse in today's devotional and it was Luke 18:27 "Jesus replied, "what is impossible with men is possible with God". These 2 verses go hand in hand. I have to have faith in knowing that with my God, all things are possible, even when I dont see it. I must be certain of this. That is my prayer for today. Lord, please give me the assurance and peace that what you have promised will come to pass, and will be fulfilled. Give me peace that only comes from you, in knowing that you alone are the author of life and know each day of life that is to be counted, for each person. I thank you that you have provided us with the best medical team, I feel, in the southeast. I am so grateful to be close to UAB and all the advancements and research they produce in order to help moms like me, Rachel, Johanna, Amber, and all those I do not know personally, who have lost children before each had a chance to really live, to be able to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy babies. You overcame sin and death. By your wounds I AM HEALED. I thank you for casting my sins as far as the east is to the west, and cleansing me white as snow with your precious blood. I praise you for my precious Tobi, and such a wonderful, and supportive family. This mother's day, I pray that my mom and Matt's mom, will grasp just how much I love both of them. Thank you for being all sufficient and everything we need, even when we don't realize it. I glorify your name, the name above every name. AMEN.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Nothing clearer than His light in me

This morning I read 1 Thessalonians 1:2-5. For we know brothers loved by God, that he has chosen you, because our gospel came to you not simply with words, but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and with deep conviction." As I read the devotional I was reminded that as Christians, we are commanded to share the gospel-the "Great Commission". Growing up, I used to be so terrified to do that because I always thought I wouldn't say the right thing, or that I wouldn't be able to stand up to the person's argument, or give them specific verses during the conversation. I just knew I would turn him\her farther away from God, rather than bringing Him to them. Now, as an adult, and with all the things I've been through growing up, my parents' divorce at an early age, my eating disorder that caused me to miss out on so much in high school and college, me & Derok's rare metabolic disease, CPT2, Tobi's traumatic birth, Layah's life and death, I realize that I don't have to "preach" to individuals. I simply have to tell them my story, and what all He's done in my life and through my life. The devotional was talking about advertisement and there's no better marketing tip than to have customers recommend a product to a friend or family member. One professor of advertising said, "It's human nature to talk about the things that excite us"! What else do we have to do but just share who our Father is to us! You don't have to preach hell-fire and brimstone, and judgement. You simply have to show them where you were, what you've been through, and who you are now. It's just like the blind man said, simply, I don't know what happen, but I was once blind and now I see. That's it, a changed life is all it takes. Now I wasn't so thrilled going through these struggles in my life, and prayed that He would "remove this thorn in my flesh" but it wasn't removed when I wanted it, and the way I wanted it. I learned to live with it and then, didn't notice, but one day the "thorn" was gone, and I was strengthened-spiritually. I could share with others His power, His love, His mercy, (oh boy His mercy!), and His amazing, amazing grace. I think so many times followers of Christ get caught up in the duty of sharing the gospel, that we forget why we want them to believe in the first place. Sure we don't want our friend and loved ones, and even strangers, to be eternally separated from God, but that's just a portion of it. That part comes afterwards, because once we give our lives to Him, and 100% of our heart, and just admit how messed up we are, and need Him, He will change us. We don't change ourselves. He does that. For some, old habits and addictions are healed instantly, others may continue to struggle, but eventually, we look back at that "thorn" and can share our life's journey to the point we are currently in, to be that salt and light to a desperate world. On a different topic, that I will tie back to this point, I don't know your political view, and I don't claim to be Republican or Democrat, I simply vote who has the most biblical principals, and unfortunately, sometimes for both parties, it's very few. I obvious believe life begins at conception, marriage is a sanctified union between a man and woman, I believe that war is necessary at times to defend the freedom that is never free, and I believe that our goverment is way too involved in our lives, and was never intended to be that way. Today is the National Day of prayer. Before it was made official, it actually began in 1775. Since it was created as a floating holiday in 1952, from what I know, each president for the past 57 years have made a declaration, personally observing this very important day. However, from what I hear and am very disturbed by, although not in the least bit surprised, from our current president, he has chosen to "tone down" or has decided that there will be no service in the East Room, like there has been for the past 8 years. Back to what I first began talking about, you can see each of our beliefs not solely by our words, but by our actions, and this has been clear from him from his campaign. He has not lied to us about who he is, or what he believes, which to me is scarry. If you have the time, look up what President Reagan read in the early 80's when he was in office, and was honoring the National Day of Prayer. It is a very significant contrast. At the same time I am very anxious to bring this new life into the world, I am very nervous for my child to have to face all of this Christianity persecution we face in today's society. We are told that Christians are suppose to be "tolerant" but most times, we are the ones who are not to be tolerated. I believe our founding fathers would role over in their graves at many of the laws and practices that our county have defaulted to, and have become "norm" over the past say 10 years. To say that we are not a Christian, Jewish, or any specific religious nation is a slap in the face at all that our forefathers did, and came here for. THEY CAME TO AMERICA, TO BE ABLE TO CELEBRATE OUR GOD, YAHWEH. Christianity is the very roots of America. It's on our currency, in our pledge, which sadly may soon be "intolerable". But in saying all this, does that mean that we need to just accept this is the way of life now and we can not boldly believe Jesus Christ is the ONLY way to eternal freedom and life? NO!!! Now more than every, we must be excited about our faith, and in these desperate times, when so many have lost so much, the nation is searching for hope, and we are to show them, through our life and where we found Hope, Who brings that constant hope that no economic disaster or natural disaster can waiver.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Pay it forward

This past week was very interesting. I talked with my new, dear friend, Johanna for 3 hours Wednesday night. She is the patient my wonderful OB connected me with, who recently lost twin boys, Michael and Gabriel, at 18 weeks for unknown reasons. It's be very therapeutic for me, as well as her, in talking about my journey through grief and things to expect and things not to expect. Grief is a very personal journey. I believe that those who grieve with hope have a shorter mourning period than those that grieve with no hope. Of course, I still grieve. I think about Layah daily, and many times, cry when I hear certain songs about seeing our loved ones again, heaven, hope, etc. Sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. My heart still aches for her. Talking with Johanna was helpful for me as well as her. Anytime I get to share the memories of my pregnancy and time with her, it's painful and opens wounds I thought were healed back up, but it's also cleansing and refreshing, and life-giving to my faith and my hope. Through the week as we talked on the phone and by email, I read the daily devotional for the day that she and I met, and it was titled, " I Will Never Leave You". I shared it with her. I know it was a message for both of us. In the first verses this phrase was inspired in God's word, Deuteronomy 31:1-8, Moses is telling God's people that his time as their leader is coming to an end. He tells them that God will go ahead of them and Joshua, their new leader will also now go ahead to lead them. He tells them to be courageous and not to be afraid, that the Lord God goes with them and he will never leave them or forsake them. Then in verse 7 it says, "Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the presence of all Israel, "Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the LORD swore to their forefathers to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. 8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Jesus said the same thing as he ascended into heaven, "I am with you always", and it was repeated in Hebrews 13:5. I think this is the process of many of our faith. Some of us go through some terrible events. I could never console someone who is walking this path, if I had not journeyed it myself. Some people call it "paying it forward", but really this is what God intended, to use your experience to comfort and console others on the same journey. 2 Corinthians says, "3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles,SO THAT WE CAN COMFORT THOSE IN ANY TROUBLE WITH THE COMFORT WE OURSELVES HAVE RECEIVED FROM GOD." This scripture gave me great hope in knowing I would one day be used to comfort others going through this same tragic life changing event. It seemed an awfully distant expectation, but here we are, not even a year out from losing our precious Layah, and someone else is now where Rachel and i were. My dear friend Rachel, whom I met only because God knew I needed someone who had walked this journey before me. My mother in law happen to be at the cemetery at the same time her husband was, both trying to get the water to work to water our babies' graves. Rachel and Thomas had lost their precious Isaac, the day he was born, after only 18 minutes, from Trisomy 16, a chromosomal defect that is not compatible with life, causing the babies to have an additional set of chromosomes, similar to Down's Syndrome, but Down's only involves one additional single chromosome. She was 6 months ahead of me in her path of grief, and she was able to prepare me, and console me, and just understand unlike anyone else. Ironically, (which we don't believe in coincidences), Rachel's birthday is the day that we buried Layah, June 11th, and the day that my mom's baby brother Ronnie died. Also, Thomas, her husband, his grandmother dated my grandfather's brother, (the same grandfather whose birth and death date was Layah's due date, and who she's next to), and she taught my mom in elementary school. One other thing, Rachel's sister was in Matt's graduating class at John Carroll!! What are the chances we'd have all those connections? Rachel is now expecting a baby girl, Annabella, in July. Since I have been unable to go to a baby shower, and not ready to make a trip to the maternity ward to visit a mom and baby, my goal is to make it to her shower. She's deserving of so much happiness after losing Isaac. So, my prayer is that one day, soon, Johanna will be healthy enough physically, emotionally, and mentally to conceive and have no problems with getting pregnant or carrying a baby to full term. After all, that's my goal too. I'm just a few steps ahead of her.

Faithfully His,

Mika