Update

So first update on the pregnancy, after my OB apt yesterday, then I'll give you some of my thoughts on the devotional passage I read this morning. I had my OB apt yesterday at 3pm, but they were very behind so I didn't get out of there till almost 5:15. Matt's mom met me at the office. I had another ultrasound and the baby looked great, heart beat was strong, and "she" actually jumped like she was on a trampoline one time. Matt's mom saw it and said,"Awe 'she' jumped", which Matt says she said because she knows I want a girl, but I don't think she's that fast on her feet thinking, so maybe its what she wants, or maybe it was a sign. We'll just have to wait and see. I met Dr. Davis for the first time and presented all my questions to him. I asked him about how frequently he'd check my cervix and he basically said as often as either medicaly necessary or if I just need him to check it for peace of mind, and he'd do it with an ultrasound like Pat and Joey had both done. He said that he'd be doing the same Mcdonald cerclage, double stitch, that we had with Luke and that he would agree to not remove it in the office but rather in triage under some sedation. We'll start the 17HOP shots, (progesterone shots) at 16 weeks, (which also happens to be about the time my headaches got better in my pregnancy with Luke, most likely due to the leveling of hormones. My cerclage is scheduled for next Friday, the 13th. I was bit weirded out by the date, but I prayed about it and decided to not let superstition determine my surgery date, and my let my faith in His grace and provision get us through it perfectly. So, we'll be at the hospital at 6:30, hopefully to go back for surgery by 8am. I don't want a repeat of last time, dealing with a migraine and the pain of a full bladder-from iv fluids- on top of a freshly stitched cervix, unable to evacuate my bladder because my legs were asleep from the spinal. We are going to most likely have Tobi and Luke spend the night at mom's since she's closest to Creekview and Matt' mom is suppose to work the next morning and may be on call.

Now, this morning I was reading in Genesis 17 where God was laying out His plans for Abraham and Sarah and giving them quit detailed information as to what blessings He would covenant with them. I found it interesting that although Abraham "...Overwhelmed, ..fell on his face." (vs 3)  when the Lord first began speaking to Abraham the details of His plans, that the second time he ""fell flat on his face" after the Lord spoke His plans for generations to come through Abraham and Sarah, Abraham laughed. He laughed and actually thought, "Can a hundred year old man father a son? And can Sarah, at ninety years, have a baby?" His first response, in my mind was of humility, reverence, servitude, an action showing worship and respect, but the second time Abraham was on his face, it almost appears he was being sarcastic, completely doubtful, with disrespect-enough to laugh at God's plan. It gave me pause thinking of how many times have I had that kind of attitude towards my Abba, my heavenly father? When He's given me favor, promises, blessings, and I've said, "yeah right" or "that'll never happen". This pregnancy to me is a completion in a promise that I feel the Lord spoke through the Holy Spirit to me in May of 2008, before Layah was born. (You can look back and read about it in my early posts of this blog). I feel in my Spirit that as is the name of this blog, His heart is faithful. I cant wait to experience this pregnancy as I did with Luke, knowing what a miracle the Lord is growing inside of me, cell by cell. As we looked at the ultrasound yesterday, watching this tiny little life-the size of a key lime or packet of sugar, as it bounced and moved and we heard the strong heart beat, I was again reminded of the miracle of life and the complex workings that the Designer uses to create each of us. WOW! I just cant understand those who even after seeing that, if given the opportunity which most are not, still choose to have an abortion. We have a long road to go still, and there's several challenges that we must face: to sell or not to sell our home? day care or will  our prayers be an answered that Matt's parents and my mom possibly joint-care for this little one for the first year? This is going to be joyous but also stressful. I pray daily that Matt will continue to stay sober and remember where to find his artillery in the battle he fights with the enemy over his sobriety. I know the Lord will be glorified through this journey and this life to come, and I pray that the journey to bring 'her' home to us will be a journey like the one we experienced with Luke. I know He's in control and I can rest in that.

Faithfully His,

Mika

New Year, New Life

I would have gotten to this sooner had I not felt so terrible lately. Between the nausea without vomiting, the extreme fatigue, and the severe & frequent migraines, I've just been trying to tend to myself and taking care of the boys, with Matt's help of course. Yesterday, I was able to get the Christmas tree down and the furniture rearranged again. Then Luke and I took a nap. For supper, our family went to Mizu's Japanese Steakhouse- our favorite place for special occasions. Tobi tends to freak out whenever they do anything with fire, and I've threatened him that he wont come back with us if he continues to bolt when they do it because he just about crashed into an employee with a cart trying to get away from the fire, yet Luke was mesmerized. So, of course we had food left over for today, yet it wasn't gonna happen that I'd get to eat it.
I woke up with a headache, that continued to worsen throughout the day, making me pretty much incapacitated. I tried taking the Prodrin, taking a nap, drinking caffeine, and finally after taking the last Prodrin I could take in a 24 hour period, at 5:30 it let up, Praise God! I was getting a bit nervous if it had not let up when it did.

Matt went to work out, and he called me while he was gone to tell me that he'd found out through his friend, Matt Payne's ex wife, Tanja, that Matt's death was a tragic result of an apparent overdose. We don't know anymore details than that, but I know Matt was disappointed as he was so hoping that Matt had changed. Based on his obituary, I told him there is still hope he did. It really sounded like many were changed by him, and possibly by his testimony. Although addiction is a disease and can be cured, some lose their battle to addiction just as other lose their battle with cancer. I truly feel that maybe his heart was right, and the Lord just knew it was best to take him now, rather than to let him get any worse, or to cause anyone else to go down the path that Matt began so many years ago. We just have to pray that the Lord can and will still use Matt's life to help others avoid that deadly route. We know that no matter what, the Lord is just, fair and the definition of love. Matt had a bit of a difficult time with the news because this was the closest person to him to have died at such a young age, of course besides Layah. I pray that it will just be a reminder to him of the enemy's goal, is to steal kill and destroy each of our future and that we have to stay equipped for battle against him, especially now for our children's future in today's world.

I go back to the OB on the 5th. I've got several things I wanna ask him about, like is he doing the same type of cerclage, the Mcdonald? If I had to go to the maternity triage for a bad migraine, where would we go and what might the treatment be? The cerclage is scheduled for the 10th, but I think I'm gonna change it to the 13th, that way I can have the weekend off, and just be off Monday, so I'm not having to take off more than one day. I'll need to see what the schedule looks like that morning cause I cant afford to not be first case, considering the way the last cerclage went-me getting a migraine, then because of fluids, needing to go to the bathroom after surgery, but due to the spinal block, my legs were numb, but the weight of my full bladder was quite painful. Hopefully, that will not happen this time.


Faithfully His,

Mika

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS! A New Journey Begins for Us

Today is the day we celebrate our risen Savior's birth. I often think of Mary, being so young, a virgin, pregnant, scared, confused, all the many things she felt physically, emotionally and spiritually. What faith she had! She did not know what to expect, she was a virgin. She had no concept of how her body would change, hormones, and all that goes along with that, yet she , "I'm the Lord's maid, ready to serve". How I pray for that in my heart, however strange, impossible, beyond belief, just the faith, willingness and obedience to say, "Yes Lord. I'm ready to serve You and Your purpose". I have many questions for Mary when we meet one day. I'd like to know how her pregnancy was different with the immaculate conception verses the children she conceived with Joseph. Since Jesus is the "Light of the world", I'd like to know if her womb ever glowed! Could have happened, right? Such a unique, miracle, I'm sure there are things unknown to us of that time, her pregnancy and the birth of Jesus, Him as a toddler, teenager, young adult. Yet He never sinned. Hard to fathom a child growing up never saying, "NO!" or being disobedient, or lying about something He broke, or being mean to His sibling....so many things the bible doesn't discuss about Jesus' upbringing. I cant wait to hear all about that time.


So, we made our announcement that we are expecting again. I had my IUD out on Luke's birthday, due to the fact that it was in my cervix and not my uterus and I'd been causing me some ovarian cysts, while at the same time, I was having a culposcopy since my pap smear back on my birthday, July 19th, came back abnormal and I had to have a biopsy. So, the plan was to come back and have the IUD replaced. However, although Matt knew, there were a few "times" when this was disregarded. I'm guessing Matt didn't think it would happen so quickly-and honestly nor did I-because we had to try so hard to get pregnant with Luke, doing the ovulation tests, timing it and all just right for about 4 or 5 months. So, upon us discovering I was late, and in fact pregnant, I'd assumed I was only about 6 weeks pregnant because of when I had my last period, but boy was I off. Veronica, my most precious nurse/friend left me a message that she 'didn't know how' but that Joey was going to be in clinic for my visit on Tuesday, 12/20 @ 12:20! That was all God. THEN I got there and after we caught up and I had my exam and went for the ultrasound, the tech discovered that I was not six weeks, but rather 9.1 weeks!! I couldn't believe it, but it did make sense considering I felt like as soon as I'd seen the positive pregnancy test, my clothes in my tummy didn't fit! Also, I told Joey that my headaches had already started, which I'd thought had started towards the end of my first trimester with Luke, and once the tech confirmed the gestation, it made sense cause I was towards the end of the first trimester. Our due date is July 23rd, and if you haven't already heard, the 23rd is a very significant number for us. Here's the list:

my mom's birthday, May 23rd
my dad's birthday, June 23rd
my brother's birthday January 23rd
I was born on July 19th, BUT was born at 1:23am
we grew up on 2304 4th street
I have 23 in my ssn
my BCBS employee number has 23 in it
I was married and had Tobi at 23 years old
Tobi weighed 2 lbs 3 oz
Our first house was at exit 231 in Calera
Our house now is number 230
Layah was born at 23 weeks

So, this is a big deal! Although, that would be the 40 week marker, and I'll most likely go between 38-39 weeks, it's still a pretty awesome 'wink' from the Lord. I truly feel that this is a girl, after all, that vision I had before Layah was born, I truly believe it was to be interpreted exactly what I saw, however, if it was to mean something else, and this is a boy, I'm okay with that too. After all, we have tons of boy stuff, and clothes. It would save a lot of money! Ironically that's what I'm concerned about most. Not that I will have another preemie, but rather that the cost of 2 at Bright Horizon's will be more than we can afford. I'm praying hard that the Lord will bless us and either give Matt the promotion that is a possibility for him, or that either Mom or Matt's parents will offer us to take care of the baby for the first year, as that would be a tremendous help. I just have to leave it in the Lord's hands. So we have the cerclage scheduled for January 10th. It was awfully soon from when I expected, but we'll do it then. I wasn't gonna wait till that Friday and do it on Friday the 13th! So, this year, we pray for several things: this baby to stay in me until SHE is full term, Matt will get his promotion and will stay clean and sober and his desire for the Lord will continue to grow and he'll just dive into the Word and be just consumed with it, that Derok will be wise, have a spirit of discernment and will be sensitive to the Lord's prompting and guidance regarding Christi, and that the Lord will prepare our finances and the day care situation for our baby.



Faithfully His,

Great I Am - New Life Worship

THE GREAT I AM

THE GREAT I AM

by Jared Anderson (Integrity songs.com)

I wanna be close, close to your side

So heaven is real and death is a lie,

I wanna hear voices of angels above singing as one.

 

Hallelujah, holy holy

God Almighty, Great I Am

Who is worthy, None beside Thee

God Almighty, Great I Am

I wanna be near, near to Your heart

Loving the world, hating the dark

I wanna see dry bones living again, singing as one

the mountains shake before You, the demons run and flee,

At the mention of the name King of Majesty,

There is no power in hell, or any who can stand

Before the power and the Presence of the Great I Am, the Great I Am

The Great I Am, The Great I Am, The Great I Am, The Great I Am

This song we have sung at church both Sunday and tonight. It's very powerful. I had to register to access it but it is so well worth it. I am hoping that they will get it published so I can buy it. I've decided that 'The Great I Am' will be apart of my next tattoo on my forearm. I want it in English while the 'Eashoa Msheeka' means 'THE LIFE GIVER' AND 'ANOINTED ONE' I just feel so led to have this on my person. I may even add too it later. I have known HIM as so many things and to share that with others I feel is important, not just with my mouth, but with my body. More to come on the size and the color. :)


I love you Lord.


Mika

LAYAH'S 3RD HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY

This picture was taken while we were at the beach celebrating Layah's birthday. These were at our condo's lazy river, on the center island. As my friend Dana calls these times, 'Kisses from the King"

I heard a girl's testimony that Dana had read me some the other day from one of her teacher's at Oak Mountain. The woman had twin boys ten years ago, but one of them, James, (coincidentally like Dana's 'James') hadn't made it. In what was read, I felt that she had a perspective of losing her son, that was exactly how I feel for Layah. Basically, she said that all parents want their children to become successful in life and do great things and to be happy. So what if our children, that stepped into eternity so quickly, his/her purpose was to help direct someone, even just one person's path to salvation? How much more successful can a life be?....leading someone else to eternity with our Lord and Savior? What if our stories of our brief time with our children, our loss, our hurt, our grief, our pain, yet our Hope and Peace and strengthened faith and passion to help comfort other moms to grow in our own walk....was directing some one's path towards salvation, knowingly or unknowingly? What if it was bringing a believer in pain the reassurance of Hope that they'd forgotten through their own trials? I would say that being a part of that story, a part of that testimony makes our children's lives more successful and important than many that live for decades and accomplish very little that matters in eternity. I truly believe that if I continue to share my story, our story, of Tobi, Layah, Luke, and maybe a child to come, that that is fulfilling Layah's life and possibly mine!




So, we had a great trip to the beach, along with mom, celebrating both Layah's short life and also Granny's long and wonderful life, yet both seemed too short to us. Seeing the little girls in their little bathing suites with their wet pigtails or ponytails giggling and splashing about made me remember just another event that we'd not get to share with Layah, but maybe, just maybe, they were meant for Arwyn. Matt mentioned several times, "you want a little girl don't you? How bad?? really bad?" He wasn't objectionable, just remembering how much that longing for our little girl, that I saw the vision of even before Layah, is still inside me.




I did today going through her things, her hand prints on the tiny cards, her tiny BP cuff, her eye covers for the bili lights, all the things in her memory box that are just sweet reminders of her having been with us. Then I opened her blankets, her beanie bags that held her tiny body in place of my womb, the beanie baby bear that was near her and kept with the blankets sealed in a bag in the closet. I got the bear and out and held it to my nose and sniffed.....it smelled like baby lotion-the smell that I last had of her, it covering her. The smell I smelled when they took her and cleaned her and dressed her for me to hold her, without tubes, without monitors, just mommy holding her daughter. I just lost it and wept. How? How after 3 years can it still smell so strongly? How after 3 years, is the smell of baby lotion not yet bareable for me? But, it is not. I havent had to smell it because I made sure that no one bought any of it for Luke. That smell was not sweet, but a painful reminder of her having been with us only for what seemed like an instant. But as you know, I am glad so many got to meet her and share our time with her and know she was real. She was here with us. And yes, if the Lord asked me, "Mika, if you had to go through everything again, just for the short time you had with her and in order to have Luke, would you do it again?" YES! Yes I would. So, I got through it, and went back into the living room, to my sleeping toddler, my gorgeous, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, precious, mama's boy toddler, Luke. And I remembered, that thought, I would do it all over again, if that's what I had to go through, to be given time with Layah, to have Luke and.......Arwyn too. :)


Faithfully His,


Mika

GRANNY MEETS JESUS

So, I know it's been quite some time since I felt the need to journal anything, but over the past few months, Granny's health continued to deteriorate. Since January, her mobility became less and less. Her back/spine pain was compounded by a necrotic hip caused by the steroids used to treat her back. Unfortunately, hip replacement would not be an option for an 88 year old. Then about 2 months ago, her hands began to cause her unbearable pain. She would even get choked up talking about it hurting, even if they weren't hurting at the time she was telling us. Then a few days before Easter, her hands were unbearable. The doctors at the Chateau couldn't get a BP on her, so Linda, not thinking clearly, took her to her doctor's appointment rather than the ER. They immediately took her down to the ER from the office, as they were not able to get a BP either. They admitted her and began to treat her pain. She also had a UTI which they treated with antibiotics, which I think caused her some delusions and psychosis episodes that caused her to have to be restrained. After more than a week, they discharged her to Fair Haven, a nursing hope, seems like right before her birthday, May 5th. She was still having pain problems but seemed to be more responsive and able to communicate to us clearly. Just 5 days after being at FairHaven, she had been vomiting up bile-since she probably had very little to eat- so mom helped clean her up, and that night she was given some phenergan. Well, like the risks to Luke as a newborn when I had the HORRIBLE migraine that I had to go to the ER twice for, she could not be roused the next morning nor could they get a BP on her, so they called the paramedics and Linda and told her they were taking her to the ER. That was Wednesday the 11th. I had been in Tuscaloosa, getting work done on the van and touring the devastation in Tuscaloosa from the 04/27 tornadoes, after I'd been called on my way down to Tuscaloosa to be told that baby Brooks, who the Foot Prints Ministry had been praying for that was a 6 month old 26 weeker scheduled to go home on Friday, May 13th had died that morning, possibly of a heart attack. I rushed to Brookwood as Mom told me they were saying she would die soon. I got there and they were giving her dilaudid for the pain. Mom and Ralph had gone to get something to drink and Linda was telling me how she was begging for her hands to be cut off or Jesus to take her and it was just torturous to hear and be able to do nothing to help her. As we talked, Granny's BP bottomed out and we thought she was dying in front of us. But, her heart continued on. They got her up to a room and she became alert and sat up a bit and looked around to see us all there, me, Koben, Rusty, Linda, Ralph, Mom, and Ann. Over the next week, she became less coherent and less responsive. I do NOT like Brookwood, however, I'm so glad that mom, Ralph, and Linda were able to rotate times to all be up there with her. We prayed she would go quickly, but she would hang on longer. Monday, I was told that they'd stopped her fluids. They said it would be between 12-72 hours. They were wrong. Tuesday, Matt and I took the boys up to see her one last time. Tobi and I talked about going up there and she'd most likely be sleeping. He walked over to her and said, "Granny, it's okay if you go to heaven." Luke was all over the place, trying to get to the bed buttons and everything. Before we left, after I'd rubbed her face and kissed her and told her how much I loved her and to kiss my sweet Layah for me, I told Luke, holding him, to tell Granny 'night night' and to tell Granny 'bye bye' as she was going to heaven. He waived 'bye bye', but didn't take his paci out to say anything. So, we left, got home and went about our nightly routine. However, Luke would NOT go to sleep. Usually, he goes down about 8:30 or 9, but still at 9:30 as I tried to lay him down, he was back up. So, at just before 10, as I rocked him, I said, "Luke, it's time to go night night, " and he said, taking his paci out, "night night Gee", "bye bye Gee". I immediately felt like he was talking to Granny. So, we waited...hoping it wouldn't be much longer, not wanting her to suffer one minute more. Tonight, Tobi and I were laying in the bed together because Luke, again, didn't wanna go to sleep, which is NOT typical of him. I told Tobi that we needed to say a prayer that the Lord would take Granny, that He would stop her heart and give her a new body in heaven. We prayed that He would do this tonight. We talked of Papa, and Granny calling him 'Rex' and how heaven is always bright because of God being the source and there being no moon cause there is no night. We prayed for a little girl Lindsey, who is dying from a brain tumor, slowly, and we prayed she would not suffer either. A few minutes later, Tobi was asleep. I got him to bed, and Luke was STILL awake! So, I laid down in our bed with him, until he fell asleep. A few minutes later, my cell phone rang, and Mom said, Linda had called and Granny had passed. HE ANSWERED OUR PRAYER! I have no doubt in my mind He did. I'm so glad her suffering is finally over. I'm so glad she's reunited with Papa, she's seeing her son Ronnie, and she's getting to meet my Layah! As Tobi and I prayed for all the babies that had recently died, he said, "we'll all get to see those babies again mom". I said, "yes we will. yes we will. " To know she's received her new glorious body, I'm so thankful. I will miss feeling her body as I hugged her and hearing her sweet voice when I would call her and hear her answering machine and it says, "This is Zelda I cant come to the phone right now but if you leave a message, I'll call you back". I'm gonna miss her saying hey 'sweet thang' to me and my children. I'm gonna miss her.

Until we can be together again Granny, I will try to be the Godly woman that you would want me to be. I love you!

Faithfully His,

Mika

Arms That Hold The Universe

Just another song that I know so many that are going through difficult times, (particularly those moms with sick babies or children, women having difficulty becoming a mom and just those struggling with life. It's just a God-inspired song. I cry everytime I hear it and cant help but raise my hands to praise the God that gives and takes away.

Lift Me Up The Afters

I'm not keeping this blog up, as I feel that the Lord used it to minister to me through my year after Layah passed, and through my pregnancy with Luke, along with using it to encourage and minister to others. From time to time, I may post something random. This song was very powerful and sent to me by my dear brother and friend, Derok, so I wanted to share it with anyone that may come accross this blog. Hope you are as blessed by the words, the message, (and of course the Word of God that has been our standing verse through many trials and tribulations) as it I was.

God's Plan to use Layah's life being fulfilled

I'm gonna try to express in words how fulfilling my day was yesterday. It was a special day, being Veterans Day, but it was a very surreal day for me. Several weeks ago I was fortunate to be able to go up to the new RNICU at the new Women and Children's Center at UAB. Amy Nix Banaszk went to visit a friend of Amy's that recently had a micro preemie boy, Brooks, who was born at 26 weeks. Brooks is doing awesome, but an amazing thing for me was the unit itself.As soon as we entered I immediately remembered, as I saw the wall, the tile that Tobi had put his hand print on, the day before I went into labor with Layah, at the 2008 RNICU reunion that was held at the Bartow Arena. Also, remembering back to Tobi (108 days) and Layah's time (6 days) in the RNICU I was struck by how quiet it was when I first entered. It seemed like normal hospital floor. There was no, big open room with babies lined up around the room, right next to each other. No, ever baby had his or her own "room". It's like a semi private room. The family can sleep on a pull out couch right next to the baby, watch TV, (even wear ear buds to stay quiet), rock the baby in a reclining rocker, or utilize the mini fridge in each unit! WOW! I just was in awe. The communication system between the nurses and staff was amazing, it was basically like a voice activated microphone they could wear around there neck and if they were being called by another nurse, they could answer without touching it-keeping their hands sterile. It was quit impressive. So, just being able to visit this new unit was very neat. I didn't have a chance to find Tobi's hand print, but I knew I'd be back and would be able to get a tour.

So yesterday,after I dropped my precious Luke off at Bright Horizons, I went by the cemetery to change out Layah's flag and leave her an artificial white mum arrangement. The sky was a gorgeous blue. As I changed out the flag and stepped back to take a picture, the wind blew the flag...a sweet little "Layah" moment. I knew that it was already the start to a great day. I got down to UAB for the Patient Family Centered Care Team meeting. It ended up being a bit overwhelming because I was in this huge conference with high-back, black leather chairs around this conference table, surrounded by doctors, and men and women in business suits, some of these folks were very high up the totem-pole at UAB Hospital. I later realized that that this meeting was intended to incorporate us, the patients and families, serviced by UAB, to help define the standard of patient care that will be evolving over the next 10-15 years. I chimed in at one point to make sure that Jordan, the Assistant VP at UAB, I didn't know yet what my role was to be but my heart and passion is for the women with high risk pregnancies, but particularly the RNICU babies and their families. I think there will be many opportunities for me, my ministries and just the Lord to do His work through this committee I will be a part of. It's very promising.

Then, my parent panel meeting was to be at 3;15. I got there early, and of course chatted up Kristi, the bereavement nurse, and Kristin, the MOD nurse, before the training session was to begin. Rachael, my dear friend who lost her son Isaac (see early posts), to Trisomy 16, after only 18 minutes of life with him, December 13, 2007. I was so thrilled she came and shared her story to these nurses, clergymen and women, medical examiners, and even military personnel that came through this bereavement training. It was very purifying and healing to me. I spoke first and just gave them a little history of Tobi and then Layah's life and death and my grief process to follow. Rachael and I both talked the full 2 hours. It was great. We cried along the way, the listeners cried, but I think that we definitely made an impression of how these people could help those that they will encounter that will face death of a loved one or themselves. Several of them came up to us after it was over and mentioned how much they appreciated us coming and how it was great that I mentioned to them not to wash the belongings of the families who have experienced a loss. Many of them never thought about it, and would do so from now on. I was drained emotionally afterwards, but one of the sweet nurses that was there in the training and had been in the NICU when Layah was there but never actually kept her, had heard me say I wanted to go back and find Tobi's hand print, so she asked me if I wanted to come down to the nursery with her to find it, since she had to clock out anyway. So we did, and chatted along the way. I got to hear that another one of the moms, whose last quad, Canon, had died a week after Layah died, had recently given birth to an almost full term baby. I was thrilled to hear it! She did guide me around and we found Tobi's hand print. It was right where it should be, in one of the several family gathering rooms-which is not a waiting room, but a room where families can hang out, watch TV, eat supper around the table, kids do home work, etc. It's just a great place for these RNICU families to be able to relax when they are not in the room with the baby. Lisa, the nurse that gave me the tour, told me she had heard me mention the Foot Prints Ministry and she was interested to help. So, she gave me her email address. I'm looking forward to getting UAB on the role of hospitals we're able to provide care packages to for the families. Although the needs are different for the families there, with many of the families being teenage or unwed moms, I know we can stil provide a lot of prayer and support.

After I left the tour of the RNICU, I managed to go straight to the FPM meeting at St. Marks in Vestavia, by 6pm. Lurenda was getting stuff out right as I was about to start looking for someone to ask where to go in. The meeting was great. I really connected with Abby Nichloas, who lost twin boys a few years ago due to premature labor. We spent a few minutes praying for several of the boys we know that were recently born extremely early and the Prickett family who lost their little 9 month old, Olivia, to unknown causes when she didn't wake up a week ago. There were so many connections that we had in common, Abby and me. I'm really looking forward to continuing getting to know her. I think we're gonna be great friends, we are both go getter's.

Well, we had Tobi's soccer party tonight at Jump Zone, and I went down the slide a few times with Luke, did some back handsprings, and toe touches in the inflatables, so I'm pooped-beside my Tina's turbo class! I'm gonna try to do a devotional tomorrow.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Chris McClarney - Your Love Never Fails

Lyrics:

Nothing can seperate,

Even if I ran away,

Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes

But, You have new mercy for me every day,

Your love never fails.

Chorus:

You stay the same through the ages,

Your love never changes,

There may be pain in the night,

but joy comes in the morning.

And when the oceans rage,

I dont have to be afraid,

Because I know that

You love me.

Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep

But I'm not alone here in the open seas

Cause Your love never fails.

The chasm was far too wide,

I never thought I'd reach the other side.

But Your love never fails.

Thank You Jesus, Thank You Jesus, Oh!

Bridge:

You make all things work together for my good!

I love this song, so please check it out on YouTube. It reminds me so much of trials I've been through in my life. His LOVE NEVER FAILS and it's so true. All things, everything from my parents' divorce before I was 2 to losing Layah, everything works TOGETHER for my good.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Hillsong - You Hold Me Now Video w/ Lyrics

NATIONAL DAY OF REMEMBERANCE

Today is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, October 15th. Tonight at 7pm, (it might have to be a bit later at our house because we'll be at Tobi's soccer practice), we'll light a candle to join the 'wave of light' in Rememberance. I'm about to cry as I type this, just remembering how empy I felt after Layah died, before our precious, precious Luke came to us. I know there are many moms that are not so fortunate, and many have experienced many losses, like my dear friend Amber. There are so many just like us.

My dear co worker and friend Tina, who is also a 'drill sargent' Turbo Kick instructor that helpped whip me into shape after my return to work after Layah, and here over the past month or so since I stopped pumping at work. Anyway, she is a very strong, kick-booty woman, however, her dad is very ill and may pass away soon. He's 68 and has had several heart attacks, stints, and bypasses. They have him on a vent, which they removed yesterday morning, but had to put him back on last night. She has seemed very "together" as she has continued to teach class tuesday, wednesday and thursday, but I can tell she is using it to disguise her worry and pain. My heart is heavy for her, because although losing a parent is not like losing a child, any loss will be difficult and extremely painful, especially if you, like I know I am, are a daddy's girl, and I'm pretty sure she is.

I cant imagine losing my dad. I gave him a book not long ago, called Letters from a Skeptic, which is a book of letters from a father to a son, who is a professor of Apologetics, defendeing the Christian faith. The father is not an atheist but he knows more of what he doesnt believe that what he does believe. Over the next 3 years, through many 'battles' of the mind, the father eventually becomes a believer, his eternity forever changed, and he died but a year or so later. I so want my dad to pick up the book. I know that all God's Word is 'active and living and sharper than any double edged sword', and I pray so much that the words on the page will come alive and penetrate his shell of deception and lies that Satan has trapped him in for the past 50+ years. I want so much for him to be changed, for that place in all of us that seeks Truth, to be reached and that my dad would be drawn to repentance and see how we all need a Savior. I dont know if the book will be the key, but I know that the Lord will continue to draw him in and one day,( "I stand at the door and knock, and if any man should open it, I will come in and dine with him and he with me." Revelations 3:20 ) he will be unable to ignore the knocking on his heart, and he will open it and let Him in.

If you read this, please pray for my dear friend, Tina and her dad.

Faithfully His,

Mika

ALIVE AGAIN

I heard this song this morning as I read a praise report on a Caring bridge page I follow of a young woman with 2 small girls and husband who has been fighting a rare cancer and just found out she's in remission. As I listened to the song and read the post, I just became overwhelmed. The words are below, so you'll see my connection to the posting.

I've heard about a lot of death lately. A co worker of Matt's that just lost her twin sister to a (likely avoidable car accident) tragedy from not wearing a seat belt, to a fellow cyclist of my dad's group who lost their 6 month old little girl, Elise to a defective heart\lung problem, to another co worker of Matt's, (who'd just lost her husband to a massive heart attack a month or so ago) lost her dad also to a heart attack on Sunday. It's just been everywhere around, more so than usual, lately. Then there is October 15th, the day we take time at 7pm to remember all of our precious children that were taken as infants, to our Heavenly Father. We just went to the Walk To Remember, ('we' meaning I met my dear friend Amber Moore who most recently experienced her third baby going to heaven too soon), which is held annually at the Botanical Gardens here in Birminbham, and although it was a memorial of all our babies who were gone too soon, I didn't feel the devastation, the horrible, aching grief like I felt 2 years ago when I went. I did cry and miss Layah, but I felt peace, and the love for her was what overwhelmed inside me, not that painful wave of sorrow. There was an unexpected speaker, as the planned speaker- a man- may have gotten the times mixed up since it was an hour earlier than the previous years, but it ended up being better than what I think this gentleman could've prepared to say. The speaker was one of the ladies involved in the walk and she had lost a son, after 2 healthy children, 32 years ago to a stillborn birth. She spoke from the heart and it was just real. Just like my sweet Granny who lost my mom's baby brother in the early 40's due to the croup at just 2 years old, the loss is still there, the love is still their for that child, so her voice broke a little as she told her story. I imagine we'll always have that, a little bit of emptiness as we talk of our children awaiting us in heaven, no matter if it's a year gone by or 20 years gone by.

I have so much more to catch up on, but briefly, I've made it my mission to get a March of Dimes licenses plate for the state of Alabama. The Birmingham chapter has not been as motivated as I would have expected. I have a guy that works here at BCBS that got the Alabama Child Caring Foundation tags completed a couple of years ago for uninsured children. He prepared me for the lengthy process, the challenges, and the strict state requirements I'll be faced with. I must have a mediator through the MOD in order to speak to the committee that we'll purpose our cause too. I've been told that 'it's been taken to her boss' by the Birmingham chapter contact, but if I don't hear back from her within 30 days, I'm gonna contact a different chapter. I want this done by 2013!

Also, I pumped my last time on Tuesday (today is Thursday). It was a little sad, but I'm still nursing Luke at night before I put him to bed, and early in the morning when he begins to stir. That bond has been so dear to me since although I pumped for 15 months with Tobi, he was just to weak to nurse so I never got to enjoy that experience like I have with Luke. It's unlike any other bond that can be created between mother and child, besides all of the obvious medical benefits. One of the main reasons I had to stop pumping is because as I've gradually reduced the times of day I have been pumping since Luke turned 1, I noticed pretty suddenly, that my breasts implants dont feel the same, or look the same, to me as they did before I got pregnant with Luke. I went to see Dr. Johnson yesterday and he said it could be just pregnancy related effects on the body, or it could be the implants. After I contacted my friend (who I leave unnamed) who I also referred to him and she breast fed after her implants, she felt the same way, that since her milk dried up, her implants didnt feel or look the same either, so it may be a defected batch of imlants, which are still under warranty and I would not have to come out of pocket the full amount if I had to have them redone. The only bad thing is if we want to have another child, do I want to chance it of having to have them redone a 3rd time if it's pregnancy effects and not the implants? proably not. We'll see what happens when I go back after I'm completely dry.

Now that I have a bit more time throughout the day, I will try to be better about updating this blog with my thoughts and devotionals. I NEED it so much! I will post a devotion very soon.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Matt Maher's "Alive Again"

I woke up in darkness

Surrounded by silence

Oh where, oh where have I gone?

I woke to reality

Losing its grip on me

Oh where, where have I gone?

'Cause I can see the light

Before I see the sunrise

You called and You shouted

Broke through my deafness

Now I'm breathing in and breathing out

I'm alive again

You shattered my darkness

Washed away my blindness

Now I'm breathing in and breathing out I'm alive again

Late have I loved

YouYou waited for me, I searched for

YouWhat took me so long?

I was looking outside

As if Love would ever want to hideI'm finding

I was wrong'

Cause I feel the wind

Before it hits my skin

'Cause I want

You,Yes I want You

I need You, and I'll do

Whatever I have to just to get through

'Cause I love You,

Yeah I love You

more pictures..i promise to post my thoughts soon!

I will give you a verse today that I read. It's a Psalm

Psalm 19:1-6 (New Living Translation)
Psalm 19
A psalm of David.

1 The heavens proclaim the glory of God.The skies display his craftsmanship. 2Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known. 3 They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard.[a] 4 Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world.
God has made a home in the heavens for the sun. 5 It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding. It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race. 6 The sun rises at one end of the heavens and follows its course to the other end. Nothing can hide from its heat.

My precious Luke is a proclamation of His glory. All His creation is perfect. Layah was perfect-and is perfect. He makes no mistakes. Period.

Faithfully,
Mika

'Love Is Here' by Tenth Avenue North

This song is one on this blog, and for some reason, I just thought about it. When I looked for the video on 'YouTube'. I found this version set to The Passion movie. It's very powerful. I wept as it just reminded me the depth of His love for us, what he chose to endur for us. It's a bit graphic at times, but afterall, that's how it happened when Jesus was beaten and tortured a horrific death.

Luke's 1st BIRTHDAY 2ND SET

he is such a joy, I cant even tell you....

of course you knew there'd be something Star Wars...from his Aunt Bebe

this was his first touch of the cake, kinda squishy....

such a beautiful baby boy, (cousin Cooper beside him, Dad in the back)

yes, it's Darth Vader vs Luke Skywalker, on their appropriate symbols! Thanks to Publix

PICTURES FROM LUKE'S PARTY 1ST SET

TOBI & LUKE 09\25\10

THE AFTERMATH...NOT BAD.

MY PRECIOUS FRIEND RACHEL WHO HAS A LITTLE BOY, ISAAC, BURIED ABOUT 25 FEET FROM OUR SWEET LAYAH. I COULDNT HAVE MADE IF AFTER LAYAH DIED WITHOUT HER.

MY 2 BEST FRIENDS IN LIFE. I CANT BELIEVE I'VE BEEN BEST FRIENDS WITH JOY FOR OVER 20 YEARS, AND GINGER 15! I LOVE THESE GIRLS MORE THAN THEY WILL EVER KNOW.

LUKE'S SWEET OUTFIT MY BFF GINGER MADE ME FOR HIS BIRTHDAY

LUKE'S 1ST BIRTHDAY!!

I can hardly believe that it's already here-Luke's first birthday. I replayed in my head the weekend before his birth many times over the past few days, since Luke was born Monday morning at 2:58am. My heart is so full. Thinking back over the past 2 years, it, at times feels like that was a different me. I mean I'd never want to go through anything like losing Layah again, but at the same time, if the Lord told me," you'll never have Luke, if you dont experience this tragic loss first so that you may fulfill my purpose for you in ministering to others who have walked this path," of course I would do it for him. He is the best baby, and I dont just say that because he's mine. He has hardly every cried except when he really truely needs something. He's such a laid back, easy going child. I know that the Lord has greatness for him, just as he does for Tobi. Here was the devotional that I found today:

The same God that spoke the earth into existence is the God that loves me and my family and has a plan for us. Wow!

Faithfully His,

Mika

Golden Birthday!!

Tobias Gabriel Shelfer, 09\08\02, 2 lbs 3 oz, 14" long. This picture was the first time we met.
Wow! I mean, I can hardly believe that Tobi is 8 years old today! Just remembering the emotions of that early Sunday morning, terror, pain, worry, panic, fear....all bad, however, once I got to see Tobi, all 2 lbs 3 oz of his tiny 14" long little, skinned-squirrel-looking body, I fell in love and knew I would do anything to move heaven and earth to save him. They are supposed to be the weakest, whimpy little white boys, but he was and is so strong, such a fighter. I'll never forget that night when he was a little over a week old and he took a turn for the worse and a female fellow called about 1am and said that he was not doing well and we may have to come down to the hospital, but they were gonna try to put him on a different type ventilator, an osscilator, to see if that would help. Of course I could not sleep after that. I kept the devotional from that night, and put it in Tobi's time capsule. It was on September 18th, 2002, and the verse was

Psalms 46 NIV " God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in time of trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress . Come and see the works of the Lord, the desolations he has brought to the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shield s with fire. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. I will be exalted amoung the nations, I will be exalted in the earth . The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. "

Here is the devotional from that day:

"In the fall of 2001, a thunderous storm blew accross Lake Michigan for 36 hours straight. Sustained winds of 60 miles per hour, with gusts much stronger, whipped up the highest waves in 15 years. One frothing roller after another, some up to 18 feet high crashed over the breakwaters and pounded the shore with great fury.
The writer of Psalm 46 must have experienced a sustained spiritual and emotional crisis like the incessant pounding of a giant storm, for he wrote of troubled waters and roaring seas. He also mentioned the quaking of the mountains.
That may describe how life iin this world feels to you right now. If so, continue on to verse 4, which tells of a quiet river that delights and refreshes the people of God. Its cool, peaceful waters flow continually as a never-ending source of joy and blessing.

This psalm describes God as our refuge and strength. We have no need to fear, even when the nations of the world are angry and pounding one another with their tools of war, for "the Lord of hosts is with us".
Let the Lord quiet the storms in your heart. For He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

Give me a spirit of peace, dear Lord,

Midst the storms and the temests the roll,

That I may find rest and quiet within,

A calm buried deep in my soul.

God does not shield us from life's storms; he shelters us in life's storms

The peace and comfort that I was overcome with as I read that devotional cannot be explained in words. I am so thankful that through all of our tradgedies, the Lord has always made His presence known. He has continued to be faithful and looking back on Tobi's 108 days in the NICU, I know that He just wanted me to "be still" and let Him work things out in Tobi's body.

Thank You Father God, for your precious gift of life through Tobi. I do not deserve such a blessing. I am so humble that you thought of me to be his mom. I have always tried my best to never take him for granted. I pray you will help us to raise him to be in favor with You and favor with man. I pray that he will draw many to you with his story of miraculous life!

Faithfully His,

Mika