WALK THE WALK

WE WALK IN HONOR OF TOBI AND LUKE AND MEMORY OF PRECIOUS LAYAH FAITH

Well, this Saturday, April 24th, is the annual March of Dimes walk. Last year, it was just too difficult for me to walk. Besides being pregnant and not wanting to risk it, the enviroment would just have been more than I could handle, still with empty arms from losing Layah. This year though, we celebrate the life that we've been blessed with through Luke. I've gotten T-Shirts made for our family team, "Shelfer Babies Team", and even Tobi is gonna walk this year. I'm praying the rain will hold off until at least lunch time, giving us time to finish the 4+mile walk and get back to the car. I wish more of my co workers supported this charity, either with walking or monetary donations. I know they all read my email that went out because it notified me for each individual. Oh well, it cant be helped. All I can do is ask. We know the Author of Life, but we also know that His hands have been extended by the March of Dimes.

I read a verse this AM and soon after, received an email from my precious friend Amber,updating me on her 12 week doctor's apt. The verse was James 1:12 (MSSG) "Anyone who meets a testing challenge head on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is LIFE and more LIFE."!!! I know she is very anxious in regards to her upcoming cerclage surgery on April 30th. I told her what to expect and hope she will not be in as much pain and discomfort as I was. I told her that I felt that she was having a girl. I was right, this week, with LeeAnn's baby, as she found out Monday she's having a boy and I predicted that. We'll see. I'm just so excited for Amber, and know that if she can get pregnant, so can Johanna.

We had gotten word on Tuesday that Addison, (Matt's sister, Amanda, her husband, Jeremy, his sister's little girl) was to get a kidney yesterday, but after the tissue matching was done and the blood work was done that night, Addi had antibodies in her blood, which meant most likely if she was given this kidney, she would reject it. So, she goes back on the list. I know her parents, Adam and Janna, were devastated. But, we just pray that God will align the mos perfect kidney, even if is from a living donor, that Addi will have for a lifetime. I'm sure the felt like they were on a rollercoaster of emotions.

We also have Nora, Amanda's only child, her 1st birthday party is on Saturday afternoon. Then we have Luke's baby dedication on May 5th-Granny's birthday, and then Granny's 88th birthday party on the 8th. I am so thankful that Tobi has gotten to know Granny. I sure am gonna miss her when she passes, but I know she will be wating for us with Layah, Papa, and her precious child that she lost, Ronnie.

Faithfully His,

Mika

POTTER & THE CLAY

Obviously not being from Rome, sometimes I don't "get" things in the new testament. I read something today and want to share it with you. It is from 2 Corinthians 4:1-11 I love the Message Bible, so I'm gonna use that version...

"1-2Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing, we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God.
3-4If our Message is obscure to anyone, it's not because we're holding back in any way. No, it's because these other people are looking or going the wrong way and refuse to give it serious attention. All they have eyes for is the fashionable god of darkness. They think he can give them what they want, and that they won't have to bother believing a Truth they can't see. They're stone-blind to the dayspring brightness of the Message that shines with Christ, who gives us the best picture of God we'll ever get.
5-6Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.
7-12If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best! "

I never understood the "clay pot" analogy until now. The devotional from Our Daily Bread said this, "

It has been said that the Roman Empire ran on olive oil. It was used in cooking, bathing, medicine, ceremonies, lamps, and cosmetics. For decades, olive oil from southern Spain was shipped to Rome in large clay jugs called amphorae. Those jugs, not worth sending back, were discarded in a growing heap of broken shards known as Monte Testaccio. The fragments of an estimated 25 million amphorae created that man-made hill, which stands today on the bank of the Tiber River in Rome. In the ancient world, the value of those pots was not their beauty but their contents.
Because of this, the first-century followers of Christ would have clearly understood Paul’s illustration of the life of Jesus in every believer. “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us” (2 Cor. 4:7).
Our bodies, like amphorae, are temporary, fragile, and expendable. In our modern world that highly values outward beauty, we would be wise to remember that our greatest treasure is the life of Jesus within us. By God’s grace and power, may we live so that others can see Christ in us."

We had an incident yesterday with Tobi saying " so and so, you need to get skinny..." I just wanted to crawl under my mom's bed when he said that to this person. I talked with him last night about it, and how he would never want someone to say something that could be hurtful about his size, glasses, hearing aids, clothes, whatever. It can be "cute" when they are little and they say whatever comes to mind, but the older he gets, the less "cute" it is, plus I want him to be aware of his words, and how they can affect others. I want him to be honest, but not hurtful.

The verse talks about the "unadorned" pots. I think that as Christians, our pots should be cracked, chipped, dingy, dirty, USED looking...because, after all, we want HIM to be seen-not us. When we are filled with the Holy Spirit (not in the obnoxious way that filled is sometimes thought of ) and the life that we have found through Christ, the light shines through the cracks, the "chip parts" from our trials and struggles, the dented parts from pain and suffering....He is revealed through our pots....not our words and our "BIBLE knowlege" -which is important but is not what most unbelievers are changed by. It's the "pots" that people see. My "pot" sure has had it's better days! But I'm so thankful that it points to my King. He is praised by it. What Satan intendend to be a ball and chain has become a sweet smelling fragrant flower of the life that comes from My Lord and SAVIOR. I think many people, even believers sometimes, carry around expensive "pots" that are decorated with the finest gold, silver, gems, paint, etc (representing their stuff, their careers, their money, their status, their knowledge, their talent), but when you look into the pot, it's empty. it's dark. there's nothing in it. I pray that my "pot" will always represent my best friend, my King, my Reedemer!

Faithfully His,

Mika

PICTURES FROM 04/10/10

Pictures from Saturday at Tobi's soccer game, vs Chicago, 12-7 win! and Moss Rock Preserve in Hoover, hiking with Grungie

HE IS RISEN!!!

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Thinking back this time last year and the year before honestly has been kind of a blur. I thought about how hesitantly excited we were last Easter having had the cerclage just put in, and yet the year before, having not made it to church since I had some symptoms of some back labor. This year, getting to share it with my family, I realized something, I noticed the beauty in Spring, the vibrant colors of the magenta trees. The bright golden yellows and fiery oranges. God's art is such a wondrous creation. I see His life in the trees and flowers and birds all about, while thinking and constantly praying for my dear friends who have lost babies and yet to have one or more.

Johanna's anniversary is Tuesday April 6th, and she had expected to be pregnant by the anniversary of the twins' birth\death. I try to give her hope, causing her to think that maybe a year is not long enough to grieve over 2 babies gone. It's so consuming, grief is. You want the feelings of despair to be gone, so once I was pregnant with Luke, I had something to focus on. Not that the grief went away or I stopped thinking about Layah, but I just had it to consume my thoughts. A "friend" I met through Dana, Kim Kelly, lost quads about a month ago at 23 weeks. I have been in touch with her and she has responded once to me. I cant imagine the magnitude of her loss, as losing Layah was like losing part of my being for many months. Her friend and I have talked as well. I know she's going through many feelings right now and none of them are bad. She feels guilty, numb, sad, angry, etc...everything I felt and more. She has an older daughter, Grace, who is 8. I explained to her that I also felt guilty just for not being able to function and take care of Tobi the month following Layah's death. I just wanted to sleep on the couch all day...and cry. Getting on the wellbutrin was a tremendous help, but also making my self get out. Thank the Lord I did have Tobi to get out with me, otherwise, who knows how long it might have taken me to just go to the grocery store. And thank God for my sweet friend Rachel. I couldn't have gotten through it without her as well. Just being able to talk to her and her know how I felt.

I emailed Kim to share with her just a thought, which was my new perspective of this Holy Day. Having always been overwhelmed with sadness and just really being upset seeing how Jesus was tortured, seeing it from His Father's eyes has been just as emotional. He knows our pain. He knows our despair and our sadness. I know that it seems distant to Johanna and Kim right now, but I pray every day that they will feel His presence, and even if they don't, they will know that He will "never leave or forsake them". When Luke is asleep in my arms and I carry him to his bed and put his cheek against mine, the smell and his soft skin are a piece of heaven, and I am reminded that I would do it all again. I'm sure God has those moments with us, when we make Him proud and He smiles and says, "yup, I'd do it all again, just for you!" His love is just so hard to understand. It's just not given justice with our pitiful English language. I mean, the same word for how we feel about our dog, our spouse and our favorite ice cream? Really?.

Well, as usual, I'm ministered to by a song. It's called More Like Falling In Love and it's by Jason Gray. It's a great song and the words are so true. It's not a religion, it's a relationship. We are made a new creation by a relationship with our King. It's all about that unconditional love He has for us and our commitment to let Him be Lord of our life.

More Like Fallin' in Love

Jason Gray

Give me rules I will break them

Give me lines I will cross them

I need more than a truth to believe I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes

To sweep me off my feet It ought to be

More like falling in love

Than something to believe in

More like losing my heart

Than giving my allegiance

Caught up, called out

Come take a look at me now

It's like I'm falling,

oh It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words I'll misuse them

Obligations I'll misplace them

'Cause all religion ever made of me

Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet

It never set me free

It's gotta be

CHORUS

...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love

Deeper and deeper

It was love that made

Me a believer

In more than a name, a faith, a creed

Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

Amen!

Faithfully His,

Mika

Love Him with Your WHOLE heart

So as usual, God really speaks to me a lot through music, praise and worship. I've gotten to really feel His presence-even in the bathroom as I brush my teeth- when a particular song comes on. It's based off of the verse Luke 10:27 He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" It is by Forever Jones, and is called "He Wants it All" Here are the lyrics:

There's a voice that cries out in the silence,

searching for heart that will love him,

longing for child that will give him their all,

give it all, he wants it all

There's a God that walks over the earth,

he searching for heart that is desperate,

longing for child that will give him their all,

give it all, he wants it all and he says,

love me, love me with your whole heart

he wants it all today

serve me, serve me with you life now

he wants it all today

bow down, let go of your idols

he wants it all today (x4)

There's a God that walks over the earth,

he searching for heart that is desperate,

longing for child that will give him their all,

give it all, he wants it all and he says,

love me, love me with your whole heart

he wants it all today

serve me, serve me with you life now

he wants it all today

bow down, let go of your idols

he wants it all today (x4)

Oh oh oh, all of you,

more of you wants it all today (whole thing x3)
he wants it all today,

he wants is all today so give it all

There's a voice that cries out in the silence,

searching for heart that will love him,

longing for child that will give him their all, give it all, he wants it all

Besides it being a great melodic song, the words are just so powerful to me. The part about Him searching....He looks for us, even when many are not looking for Him. John 12:32 " But when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to myself." and 2 Peter 3:9 " The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." These verses just stand out to me. I have many close family and friends that I pray and pray for and salvation seems as tho it will never come to past, but reading this verse, I know that His "slowness" is not my "slowness". He is on His own time, not mine. I know and trust that He will ultimately have their hearts.

Back to the song, He wants it all, wow. When you think about that, you have to remember that doesn't just apply to "stuff". That also applies to our children, our health, our time, our dreams, our desires, everything. Many times with our actions, and not necessarily our words, we say "I'll give Him this area of my life, but not this". But until you give Him your ALL, you're not really gonna know Him, in the deepest and most intimate way.

Lately I've had some "spells", and I'm not sure where it's coming from, but last Thursday morning, I was getting on the freeway, and all of a sudden, I felt as if I was about to black out. I began to get tunnel vision, very flushed, and thought to myself, "I've got to pull over. I cant pass out driving with Luke with me". I cranked on the AC full blast, and the feeling seemed to pass. My vision was still a bit blurry, but I didn't feel like I was going to black out. I got Luke to BH and sat in the floor with him for a few minutes before going to work. As I got up slowly, I felt as though I was going to pass out. I know that happens sometimes, but this just felt different. I thought maybe I was having a hypoglycemic moment, so I ate some nuts that I had in the van. I got to work and got some breakfast, but still didn't feel right. My heart was racing, feeling like it was gonna beat out of my chest. I felt cold, nauseated, and just really dizzy and it was difficult to concentrate. I kept taking slow deep breaths, but I couldn't seemed to slow my heart rate down. I was shaky and just felt like I was having a heart attack! I went down to the nurses and they took my BP and heart rate. It was a little elevated, but probably cause I was freakin' out. My mom came and we went to UAB's ER-BIG mistake. The only reason I even went there was because if this that was going on was related to my CPT2, I needed to be where my neurologist could see me in the hospital. In triage, the took an EKG and sent me out to the waiting room. My brother came by since he was doing "a case" at UAB and said that they weren't that busy back in the ER. (He's a harvester with the AOC harvesting bone and tissue donors). I had some arm pain and weakness on my left side that was worrisome to me, and every time I'd stand up to go to the bathroom, I felt as if I was going to pass out. We were in the ER for 7 hours and there was no change in my status to be seen since the previous 4 hours. I was so upset, beginning to get a migraine since I'd not eaten anything but half a bag of chips since breakfast, and just tired. I told mom that we'd try St. Vincent's, but when I called, I was told that they couldn't give me any idea of the wait, and it could be six hours there as well. I told mom I wanted to go home. I just needed to get home. So, we got something to eat, and headed home. I took some midrin and 4 ibuprofen and that helped stopped the migraine from progressing. I was so glad to see my precious baby and funny guy.

After talking to Johanna by text about it, I realized, duh, her husband is a cardiologist. So, she told him about everything and he said he'd get me set up with one of his partners. The next day, I felt like I had had an extremely long, and really bad panic attack, having had one when I was 23 weeks pregnant with Luke, and then 2 days after he was born. But both of those only lasted about 10 minutes and then I was fine and I felt no arm pain, nor like I was about to pass out. This just seemed a bit different having lasted all day.

So, today I went for my cardiology apt with Dr. Juan Bernal. He was very nice, young and from Columbia. They did a pretty thorough history, and apparently he'd heard about CPT2 in his fellowship. They did an EKG and he listenned to everything. I told him that it may be panic attacks, but since they lasted so long it scared me. He said he wanted to do some investigating, and that as far as it being related to the CPT2, all he was aware of was pediatric patients diagnosed with CPT2 having cardiac problems contributed to it. He'd not read anything of the adult form having cardiac problems, afterall, it's a neuromuscular problem, not vascular. So, he sent me home with a 72 hour monitor, and said that I'll probably have an ultrasound. I'm gonna feel terrible if all this testing is done and it's just panic attacks, BUT at least I'll know everything is fine, which is what we want anyway. So, although it was a busy day at the doctor, I enjoyed every minute that I was able to spend it with Luke.

Here are some pictures from today before we left.

Faithfully His,

Mika

031810

Surprise! It's an Update!

after going to Derok & Sophi's baptismal 030710

look at those THIGHS!!!

022810 Luke & Grungie

02/2010

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022710

So today I actually had some spare time to get to post!!! I cant do it at work anymore, dad gum it! It's not networking but nevertheless, I cant sign in to the blog. Luke is now 5 months old and just such a joy. I have told my mom and several friends that I was so wrapped up in praying for Luke's physical well-being that I forgot about praying for his temperament. My sweet mom didn't. She knew that with everything we'd been through with Tobi's first 4 1\2 years and then losing Layah, we needed a baby that was very easy, and boy did we get him. Let's see what I need to catch up on. Luke's skin has been a bit of a problem. My brother's children have pretty severe eczema and asthma and it appears Luke got the skin problems. I had ready before he was born that using breast milk on minor abrasions, eczema, and even pink eye can improve the problem. Mommy's good antibodies are multi-purpose! when I took Luke in for his 4 mo check up on the 16th of February, he was 18.4 lbs and in the 90-95% in weight and height, 26 1\2 inches long. I'm just trying to enjoy every second of him little. He is just so happy and content all the time. He has just now, like over the past few days, begun to fuss a bit, and we are suspect that he might be getting ready to have some teethies!

Thursday, I had to leave work a bit early to finally go to the doctor myself since I'd been sick for about a week. I had sinusitis bronchitis and on the way to walking pneumonia. I got 2 shots and that made me feel better right away. I had to since Renee and I were going to make our annual trip to Cottontail, at the BJCC. We had a great time on Friday, and that seemed to be the ideal day to go since there wasn't the same Saturday crowd and many moms left to go pick their kids up from school. We had Luke with us so we got his picture made with the Easter bunny. I will try and post that out here soon. The guy that took his picture commented on the fact that he didn't have to work at all to get Luke to smile. Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you for such a happy baby. He's got the static look that Tobi, (and apparently me too) had, where his hair sticks straight up all over. It's too cute. He's wearing between a 9-12 month. He's just such a big boy! I was hoping to get to use a lot of Tobi's clothes, but it doesn't look as though that's gonna be the case.

Now, a couple of things. My dear friend Johanna had some great news, left tube is completely open and her uterus looks good so she was cleared to try and get pregnant with her next cycle. There had also been some medical insurance problems where her husband's practice had gone with Viva and they had no fertility benefits with that carrier, but fortunately, they were able to switch over to MASA with BCBS so they have a much better plan now, with fertility benefits. She and Scott are gone to Vail, CO right now for a conference of his. I am praying she'll be refreshed, renewed, revived, and well rested and come back with just a clear head and ready to see what the Lord has planned for her and Scott's future. Last week, Dana had posted a prayer request on her FB page about a girl named Kim Kelly who she met through a mom of multiples group. Kim was 23 weeks pregnant with quads. She was on bed rest at the hospital and ended up having one of the babies, a little girl, they named Hope (which I thought was ironic since we had Layah Faith and plan to use Hope as a middle name someday). She passed away. Then, that night I watched a TV program that showed a baby that appeared to be a 24 weeker. Although I know the baby wasn't real, it just appeared so real that it flooded my heart with many emotions from our time with Layah and I just became overwhelmed with a deep longing for her. As I prayed for Kim, and my other dear friends who are so desperate to be a mom, I just remembered the message that pastor Chris gave us last Sunday about being content as a believer that there will times that we have to accept the fact that we will times when we don't understand, and even if He could tell us, our brains couldn't fathom His ways. After all, He tells us in Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Then the next day, I saw where Dana had let everyone know that the rest of the quads had been born and passed. My heart just sunk. I felt sick. I know how horrible that time was, but I cannot imagine the magnitude of the pain of the loss times 4. Today they were having the funeral. How do you bury 4 babies, and at one time. As I look back at the notes from last weeks message, I read the verses that were part of the conversation between Job and God. Job well represents all of us who have experienced tragedy. He said, "What's the point of life when it doesn't make sense, when God blocks all the roads to meaning?" Job 3:23 That's what we say too. We ask that question of why do bad things happen to good people and why would God allow this or what about all those women who abort, abuse, and neglect sweet babies...it doesn't make sense. But Job realized that he was a mere mortal. He was just a man. He said to God, "You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I do not understand, things too wonderful for me to know." Job 42:3. He had experienced the ultimate loss-everything, yet he realized that the God of the universe was trustworthy and His timing is always perfect. He will right the world in the end. Another verse on this message was James 5:11 "You've heard of course, of Job's staying power and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. That's because God cares , cares right down to the last detail". He is there. He is here. He never leaves us. Even during those dark times when we feel He has abandoned us, He is there as He promised. If Jesus can cry out to His Father, feeling abandoned and left alone, He can relate to us when we do the same. Pastor Chris gave a personal story I can relate to of his child needing a medical procedure that would involve some pain yet it was best for his child in the end. During the medical staff's preparation, his little toddler looked over at his dad, anticipating his daddy coming to the rescue to save him from this frightful and painful situation. Yet he did not. He could not. Through the cries of his son saying, "Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?!" Pastor Chris said he wept and wept. He compared this event somewhat like what it must have been like for our Heavenly Father. To hear his perfect son's cries, yet not reach down and take that pain away. I'm sure that He feels the same when we cry out, and say, "Abba, Abba, Abba".

I would do it all again. I would go through the chaos and terror through Tobi's birth and first 4 1\2 years in and out of Children's Hospital. I would go through having Layah for only 6 short days-if that is what was called for to bring our precious Luke into this world. I hope it will not be as long of a break between this and my next post, but between Matt and Tobi, I'm not usually privy to the computer at home!

Faithfully His,

Mika

Distracted

So today I had some time to actually post a blog. The devotional I read today was titled Distracted and it struck a chord with me, so I thought I'd share it. Here's the verse,


Luke 10:38-42 "As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."


The devtional talked about how even good things that have value to us can become destractions and draw our attention away from what we should be paying attention to, just as Martha was....she was destracted with serving, which took her away from time spent with Jesus. He was telling her, "what's most important, and the only thing that's important ultimately is me"....As I read this, I thought about all the things I want to do, need to do, plan to do, and realized, I MUST make sure that He is always first. That is, at times, easier said that done.

I ask that you continue to keep my dear friend Johanna in your prayers. Her husband who is a cardiologist, his group recently changed insurance plans and now have NO infertility benefits. He is considering changing practices but first wants to make sure that these benefits would be offered and she's concerned. Afterall, how do you say, we need to make sure you're gonna provide this benefit before I will work here. Please pray that God will supply the means, money, and medical care for Johanna. I care for her so much and am so thankful for our friendship. I found out recently, another couple in our church, lost a baby after a few hours old. It burned in my ears when I heard it, knowing, I feel, this is my calling. To create a small group for moms who have experienced this tragic loss. So, pray for me, that the Lord will provide the perfect timing\semester and the perfect place, (which is very important because our house is too small to have it here), for this to happen. And that I will have guidance, disernment, and wisdom in helping these ladies who-I know- will show. Lord, use me as your vessel.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Just a sweet picture of Luke, 02/12/10

4 1\2 months

01/24/10, Luke in the bumpo...no, i didnt leave him for a minute

JOY IN THE MORNING

I heard this song a few days ago, and just cried and cried. It brought back so many (painful) memories, yet allowed me to reflect on the joy that we feel now. I want to share it with you. The story behind the song is truely a miracle and the evidence of God's amazing love and power, and sometimes doctors cant explain the supernatural.

http://www.facebook.com/joshwilson?v=app_6009294086#/joshwilson?v=app_264603147058

Here are the words.

Before The Morning – Josh Wilson (Life is Not a Snapshot)

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?

If there’s a God who loves you where is He now?

Or maybe there are things you can’t see

And all those things are happening to bring a better ending

Someday, somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing?

‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends

And you know where you’re going

You just don’t know how you’ll get there so say a prayer

And hold on ’cause there’s good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time

But you’ll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing?

‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning

Yeah, yeah

Once you feel the weight of glory

All your pain will fade to memory

Once you feel the weight of glory

All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare to believe

That you still got a reason to sing?

‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Would you dare, would you dare to believe

That you still got a reason to sing?

‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Come on, you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the hurt before the healing

Oh, the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning

It is just so powerful to me . The verse is Psalms 30:5. I love the way The Message

Bible words it, " He gets angry once in a while, but across a lifetime there is only love. The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter" I would do it all again, for Luke, for Tobi, for Layah...I would go through it all again to have them, to love them, to know them. I wouldnt trade the pain to have never been their mom.

Faithfully His,

Mika

JUST PICTURES

PURPOSE

I started reading Purpose Driven Life again, as I have lots of time to read while I am pumping. As I began to read, a few things stuck out to me. Let me share them. It says, "You didn't create yourself, so there is no way you can tell yourself what you were created for...You exist only because God wills that you exist. You were made by God and for God....It is only in God that we discover our origin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance, and our destiny." I thought that was powerful, as so many people-even Christians- walk through life, "going through the motions" not fulfilling their purpose God has created them for. It also said, "..being successful and fulfilling your life's purpose are NOT AT ALL the same issue!" I truly believe this. As I read about Rick Warren's views on the Bible's 3 metaphors of life, Life is a test, Life is a trust, and Life is a temporary assignment, several points stuck out to me. He said that character is both developed and revealed by tests, and all of life is a test. We are always being tested, from how we respond to people, problems, success, conflict, illness, disappointment, etc...to even the simple actions of opening a door for someone. Rick said that we will be tested by major changes, delayed promises, impossible problems, unanswered prayers, undeserved criticism, and even senseless tragedies, and that a very important test is how we act when we cant feel God's presence in our lives. Sometimes God intentionally draws back, and we don't sense his closeness. He went on to talk about a king named Hezekiah who experienced this test, and he had a close fellowship with God, but he went through this to test his character to reveal a weakness and to prepare him for more responsibility.
You may have heard the verse, James 1:12 "Blessed are those who endure when they are tested. When they pass the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." I know that there have been times in my life where I have felt Him pull back to allow me to go through things that would, in the end, bring me and possibly others, closer to Him. At those times, I also realize just how much I need Him daily, and want Him close to me. I told a friend recently that many times we feel that we shouldnt "deserve" one more test, one more trial, but at times when we have a moment between tests, we should prepare for the next, because there will come another. God uses them to refine, purify, mold, shape, bend, stretch, and create a more Christ-like person. Of course, holiness will ultimately be achieved only when we see our Savior face to face, but our purpose here should involve in us becoming more like Jesus, a light to a dark, dark world. I pray my light will always shine for Him.

Luke had to go to the doctor Monday, the 18th, and the Monday before. He had started coughing and was really congested. Dr. Hodges said he had bronchitis. He started Bright Horizons (the BCBSAL employee's daycare) on January 4th, so he either caught it there, or Tobi brought something home. Even though he sounded crappy, he was his happy, jovial self! (The picture above was from the 11th, and I thought, "Ive heard of having a twin, but a glowworm?!LOL") I am just so in awe at the disposition Luke has. He is always so happy. He wakes up happy, and goes to sleep happy. It seems the only time that he has really gotten upset in the past couple of weeks, has been after I've given him a bath-with the space heater going, and gotten him out to dry him off. He was fine and then just started screaming. Over several nights of this, I finally figured out that his little head was cold! As long as I dried his head off really good, and put a hat on him, he was fine! Who would have thought?! Other than that, he is just always laid back. He is over 17 lbs now and will be 4 months old on the 28th. I cant believe he's already almost 4 months old. Time truly does speed up when you get older.

My dear friend Johanna and I met for lunch a few weeks ago. We have a very special bond, the loss of our children. She's still very angry, disappointed, hopeless, depressed...I just had to tell her that I believe God's plan is better than mine, and I have to trust Him no matter what, which is easier said than done. She had surgery today to unblock one tube and the other appears to be clear, so we are praying that God will bless her womb as he did Hannah, Samuel's mother, as she prayed and prayed for a child, and the Lord answered.

Lord, your Word says that you give us the 'desires of our heart' and I believe Johanna's deepest desire to have a child is from You. Please prepare her womb for life. Open up her tubes, clear away any blockage. Make her womb ripe to bring life. Please bless her with a child this year, in hopes that she would testify, as I do daily, of your faithfulness.

Faithfully His,

Mika

How Great is Our God

Today I read a verse that I think is an important reminder. Isaiah 40:25-26 "To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing." I know I am guilty of this too, but we forget How great He really is. We are human so at times, we tell God how big our mountain is, rather than telling the mountain how big our God is. The devotional said this "...In 1995, the Hubble Deep Field Study space probe concluded that there are billions of galaxies, each containing billions of stars. By one estimate, there are more than 10 stars in the universe for every grain of sand on the earth. Yet each night, without fail, God “brings out their host by number; . . . by the greatness of His might . . . ; not one is missing” (v.26).
Why then do people say, “My way is hidden from the Lord”? (v.27). Yes, billions of individuals inhabit this globe, but no one has been forgotten by God..." I love that. He calls each star by name, and yet He still wants to know me intimately. WOW!

This Christmas, we have so much to be thankful for. What a difference a year makes. I did not know the joy that would be in my heart this year. It's better than I'd hoped. God has molded, stretched, pressurized, constructed, and refined me in ways I couldn't have expected. I pray that each time I'm faced with difficult times, I'll remember that it's always for my benefit.

"Lord, as I thank you every day for my miracle sons, and the precious time we had with Layah, I know you only have great plans in store for my life, and the lives of my children. Remind me not to sweat the small stuff. Give me endurance, patience, faith, strength and wisdom for the big stuff. In your precious son's name, amen"

Faithfully His,

Mika

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away

I have been soaking up each day with Luke so I've gotten behind on my blog postings. Recently the mom of 18 children, Michelle Dugger, gave birth to a 1 lb 4 oz baby girl due to a gallbladder problem and preclampsia. I do not agree with her continuing to have children "as long as God will allow her to". Just because you can doesnt mean that you should. I feel that she may have an addiction to being pregnant/having children. I dont doubt her love for the Lord, but I think even as believers we can let anything, food, Facebook, alcohol, shopping, gambling, food, having children, etc can become an addiction, an idol, put above God's place in our heart. I think it's wreckless for her body and the child she is carrying, considering she's already had so many, and each pregnancy radically changes your body. She's 43 and each year she ages, she increases her chances for complications along with problems for the baby. I think the Lord wants us to be responsible with His blessings. To me, it would be like these people that say, I have cancer or some medical disease or problem but I'm not gonna go to the doctor, I'm just gonna expect the Lord to heal me. That could happen, but he's also given us wisdom and medical techonology and doctors to assist us in making decisions. Sure, it's her body and her life. I just pray that the little girl doesnt have to suffer the many complications preemies can face, born that early, 25 weeks. I know, and it wasnt easy having Tobi as our only child at the time, much less having 18 others to "care" for.


On a different note, Ashley Cox Stegall, a girl that I used to hang out with when Matt and I first started dating, and Tobi went to her son Leighton's birthday party, had to take her husband, Jason, 31, off the ventilator Monday morning, the 14th of December, due to him being brain dead. They think that it was from H1N1. He had been a decorated soldier in Iraq, and received 2 purple hearts and bronze star and a few other medals. He'd returned from Iraq and was in El Paso Texas for 2 weeks before coming home. He went to the doctor the Monday before his death complaining of breathing problems and the doctor discovered he was in liver failure. He was flown to DC where he went into a coma. Ashley had posted via her phone, on Facebook, that she had to make the most difficult decision of her life to remove Jason from life support. I wept and wept for her, as my heart broke. It brought back all the emotions from when Dr. Randolph in the RNICU said to me before Matt got to the hospital, "You have to tell us what you want us to do. Do you want us to perform CPR on Layah if her heart stops? Do you want to discontinue care now? or just wait until her heart stops on it's own?" Matt was my support, and my strength, besides the Peace that I experienced after we decided what was best for Layah. Having to make that decision for my husband, I could only imagine the magnitude of pain she felt at that time. She and Jason have a little boy, Landon, just 10 months old. She had 2 boys, Leighton who is 9 or 10, and Logan, who is 8 or 9, with her 1st husband, Leighton, who was in Delta Sig with Matt. It just breaks my heart that Landon will never know his daddy. I'm so thankful that they did have him, so Ashley will always have a piece of Jason that she can hold and kiss. I know that at the time she found out she was expecting, she wanted a girl, but now, I know that Landon is that much more a gift, because he looks just like Jason. She didn’t get necessarily what she wanted, but what she needed. I pray for her many times throughout the day. I think of her having to get funeral arrangements made, go through his clothes, and just try and do mundane chores and “life” for her boys, and how difficult it will be. I hope her close friends and family will help her with those arrangements, as well as take care of getting the Christmas gifts under the tree for Leighton, Logan, and Landon so that Ashley can focus on beginning the grief process for Jason. It's just so sad that he comes back safely from Iraq, and dies from a virus. It just seems so unfair. Why would God allow that to happen? I think it’s okay to question Him, although we’ll most likely never get an answer, and even if He did answer, it probably wouldn’t make sense to us here on earth. Just as there is no understanding losing Layah before she had a chance to live. We just have to accept in faith, with life, comes death.
Matt and I were talking and I think that these soldiers are given so many vaccines and drugs before going over to war that these can cause the body to go kinda hay-wire, and turn on itself, or that they are in such close quarters with one another over there, it could weaken their immune system. This is the second soldier, we know personally, that is our age, late 20's early 30's, that comes home dying or to die of something unrelated. Matt's friend Ian Hogg was diagnosed with ALS a few months ago, and he's so young too.
As I read today, the devotional mentioned Jehovah-Jireh, "The Lord will provide" The verse mentioned was Matthew 6:8, "The Father knows what you need before you ask Him." I read it differently though. It says, 'what you need', not what you want. The Lord knows. I wanted Layah to survive, but the Lord knew I needed Luke's life. I wanted her to be healthy and live, but the Lord knew I needed Luke to be born fullterm, and healthy and whole. He does provide what we need. I cant imagine all the “wants” Ashley has. I know she wants Jason here. I know she wanted to grow old with him. I know she wanted Landon to get to know his daddy. What I also know is the Lord will provide. He will provide Peace to her through the Holy spirit. He will also bring her comfort, throught His spirit and through friends and family. He will provide Joy, maybe not for a while, but one day, He will provide it. I pray that the Lord will provide hope in her. It's hard, even as a Christian to have that sometimes. I know, even though I had so many praying for me, and supporting me, I just simply wanted to go to heaven and be with Layah, and not feel the pain of her loss. I can only imagine the magnitude of Ashley's pain, but the Lord knows. I'm so thankful that she has the boys, and little Landon to have a piece of him always.
Lord, you know Ashley's grief. You have felt what she feels. Hold her Lord, letting her know to rest in you. Give her strength to go on, for her boys. Give her peace, knowing that, as a believer, we can grieve unlike the world, we can grieve with hope and the truth that we will be with them again.

Faithfully His,

Mika

I heard this song on my own blog and it brought so many emotions. It brought many tears just thinking about my sweet baby girl. As I kiss and smell Luke, my heart still breaks that I cannot do that with her. I love you sweet girl, and we'll see you when we come home to heaven.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now