Day by Day

So this week I am 21 weeks and at 21.3 weeks is when I began to have problems with Layah. I have been struggling with fear and worry. I know that the Lord does not give us a spirit of fear but of courage, as His word says, but my flesh-and hormones- are speaking quite the opposite. I read today a verse that I know is for Luke, after all it is from the book of Luke, Luke 18:16 " Now Jesus called the children to Him and said 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.' " So I am going to speak in faith that this means that Luke's arrival will not be hindered by prematurity or problems. I reached out to Rick Burgess after Layah passed away since I felt a connection with his family. We found out we were expecting Layah the day that Bronner went to be with the Lord, and I remember at that time, saying to myself, "I couldn't imagine what that kind of pain and sorrow is like, to lose a child"., and yet 5 months later, we were experiencing that pain. Knowing his faith, I wanted to hear what verses he and his family stood on for hope through their grief, and he was so kind in responding very quickly. Since then, I have kept him up to date on my pregnancy with Luke. This morning he was talking about sweet Bronner, and that it was his birthday. He would have been 4 years old. Rick's love for his son, and life-changing testimony brought out all the emotions I'd been trying to hold in until next week, the week of Layah's birth\death day. I don't know why I felt like I couldn't start remembering her now. So I cried, and wept and thought about Rick's family's loss of Bronnor and our loss of Layah, and listened to how Rick talked about what glory to God that Bronnor brought in his 2 years, and as I've said before, many times, it's too short of a life for us- 2 years, 6 days, 80 years-it's all short in comparison to eternity. I emailed Rick when I got to work to just share with him my thoughts and prayers for his family and ask for his prayers for us, with this upcoming week. I thought about many things Rick said of Bronnor and agreed with him completely that God's purpose for both Bronnor and Layah was made complete, and as Rick mentioned what I've said before, we'd never want Bronnor and Layah to come back to us, no matter how much we miss them. Rick reminded the audience of the verse in John 16:33 " I have told you these things so that IN ME you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." He never guaranteed us a life with no problems, once we became a follower of Christ, quite the opposite. But we have everlasting hope. The end has already been written. We, the adopted children of God, win and have every lasting life-we will see our precious children again! As I've said before many times, I feel to blame for Layah's life being cut so short, that I couldn't keep her safe in my womb. Today as I feel that, He reminded me in His word, that it is no one's fault. As Rick says, and I agree, we live in a fallen creation, and life and death are hand in hand. The verse I read was John 9:1-11, "As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he be born blind?' 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned' said Jesus, 'but this happened SO THAT THE WORK OF GOD MIGHT BE DISPLAYED IN HIS LIFE.' Then Jesus healed the man's sight. He didn't heal him as a "magic show", but to show He is\was God, and I believe to show that only he can change a life of darkness and bring light and true living. This was the man who I believe was a probably uneducated & simple minded man, but I believe was able to condensed witnessing to just a simple phrase, "The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Slloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see." I've referred to him before, he's just saying to all the "religious leaders" something like, "I don't know how He did it, all I know is I was blind, now I see. It's as simple as that." So today, as I trust the Lord that He will bring Luke to us, healthy, whole and full of life and not before 36 weeks, I ask you to pray for my assurance of this, and my peace as the week that changed our family forever approaches.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Prophetic Names

First I will let you know that we have a name for this little guy, Luke Jeremiah Shelfer. With much thought, and then once I called him by name myself, I knew it was the one. We have agreed on Luke as the first name. Obviously Luke was a man of God and close follower of Christ, so that's most important. Luke comes from a Latin word that means "bringer of light". The biblical Luke was also known as "the beloved physician". Second, of course Layah's little brother must be named Luke-although in Star Wars they were twins. Finally, in the Shelfer family history, we think Luke was Tobias' grandson, so it's a family name. Most of you that know our family well, know that our family's favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you , 'declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future." Since this little guy probably wouldn't like "Hope" for a middle name, and we plan to give that to his sister someday, we figured this would be the next best thing, naming him after a great prophet who wrote Lamentations, I & II Kings and Jeremiah. It also means, in Hebrew, "the Lord exalts" or "God will raise up" and "God will set free". We know with our other 2 children, how prophetic names are. Obviously with Layah, and her name meaning, "delicate" and "child of heaven" and "heavenly flower" we didn't think she'd be returning to heaven but coming from heaven, nevertheless, her name was prophetic, as with her big brother. Tobias means "Yahweh is good", and his middle name Gabriel, besides being one of the leading archangels, also meaning "the messenger" and we believe Tobi has a very sensitive spirit and will do mighty things for God. So that's it. We have named our sweet little blessing of hope as this blog is named. Again, as we approach the "marker" weeks when we had and lost sweet Layah, (23.3 weeks), and Tobi came, (26.5 weeks) we ask that you would pray that I will not have any signs of premature labor, pain, discomfort, bleeding, leaking fluid, contractions, anything. Please pray that my womb will remain a safe place for Luke to grow, mature, and develop to his full potential, until his arrival around the second week of September- and not a week sooner.

Now, today's message at church was worth reflecting on. It was about not losing focus over the summer when not only do we want to take a break from work, school, the stresses of a schedule and so much structure, but many times we find that we've taken a "break" from our relationship with God. We are to proclaim, warn, teach, and help each other reach our full potential in Christ, as it says in Colossians 1:28-29. Pastor Chris gave us some questions to ask ourselves and I will pose them to you (and myself): How are you doing in your relationship with the Lord? Am I connecting with God regularly- and he wasn't just talking about reading scripture and going to church, as many may do those and never truly connect with God, what about staying connected in my relationships with people? Am I relating with people effectively? Am I serving Him passionately? Now, those are some tough questions to answer-honestly. But think about them...if it makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe that's the point. I felt it. I know I need to work harder at being who He would have me to be. I think if I'm comfortable, that might mean I'm slipping away and not even know it. As Paul wrote in Philippians, 3:13-14 "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus," Paul knew he constantly had work to do, even in a prison cell. He couldn't just do nothing. (and he communicated to the masses without Email!) I know he asked himself those questions I posed. I mean, look at the life he had led before Christ, he persecuted and condoned the killing of followers of Christ, the Messiah. He knew that we constantly must look in the mirror of "Christ" (I am referring to the perfect example we are to strive to achieve) and see how we're doing. What is reflecting back to us? Satan will constantly try and bring back up our past, as I'm sure that he did with Paul. He might say, "Look what you've done. you cant share God with others because you were once living apart from Him, and you still fall on your face. You are no theologian or scholar or even learned in the scriptures as some teachers.Who are you? What can you do?" I think that's what Paul was talking about, "forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I looked at several meanings of this word, straining, and although I don't know what word was actually used in Greek in the bible, it may have been one that ones I found. The word straining means "to exert as oneself to the utmost" and "to stretch beyond a proper limit" and "to pull against resistance". So that's what we're to do, press toward the goal, by straining against everything that comes against us, spiritually, emotionally, financially, all of it. To achieve that "goal and win the prize" you really have to know what your purpose is, what you're goal is. We have an awesome "class" at church that helps you see what your personality is and what spiritual gifts you have been given. It's funny cause when I took it, I scored the lowest on teaching, and that's so me. I could never be a teacher. I don't have the patience nor the desire, because that's not MY gift. (God bless you teachers!!!) I scored the highest on advocacy, and arts and crafts. That is so me! Obviously, we are advocates with the March of Dimes, and I hope one day when my children are grown, I can really get involved more with that. I would like to start a support group at UAB for moms who have lost a baby in the NICU, and hopefully soon, after the new women's and children section of the hospital is complete in 2010, that will happen. That's my goal, to reach out to hurting moms. I also want to get really active in Sav-a-life, but right now, it's obviously too painful,so that's a goal, and I'll get there with His help. Each of us should be passionate about something that brings glory to our God. Whether you're a bus driver, work in a restaurant, work in an office setting, or you're a stay at home mom, we can all make a small difference. I don't think we get it sometimes when the bible talks about the "sanctuary" and the "church". WE are the sanctuary. WE are the church, not the building. I cracked up when pastor Chris said, " I just say our building is an auditorium....a Wal-mart with a cross on the front" isn't that true. So this week, as I will, pray that you will connect, with the Lord, and with others in a way that you might not have the day before.

Faithfully His,

Mika

BLUE or PINK....drum roll.....

Today was the big day. So, are you ready....we will be seeing a lot of BLUE!!!! Yes, we are having a boy! I saw "it" before the tech even announced it! I fell in love as soon as I saw him today. He has been very active over the past week, more so than his big brother or sister. He was perfect. The tech measured and checked everything and it was all perfectly there. He is in the top 62% of his weight. He weighs a whopping 9 oz! Obviously this can change from time to time, but that's where we are today. Yes, we were actually surprised, but we know that God's plan is better than ours. That just must mean, we're not through having children yet! I'd always wanted 2 boys and a girl, with the boys being older brothers, and it looks as though maybe that will someday be the case, but for now, we are thrilled to now have an "identity" of this little life in me. We like the name Luke for many reasons, Luke from the Bible, Luke is a Shelfer family name of one of the first 10 recorded Shelfer' s, just as the name "Tobias" is, and of course Luke is in Star Wars ! So, Matt's hooked, but I am not ready to commit yet, plus we've got to think of a middle name. So now at least the sex is "official" (however, just today I heard of 2 different people that were told they were having "x" and then had "y"!!), but I'm pretty sure, considering what was VERY obvious, as to the sex of the little guy. Tobi is very excited to have a little brother, of course, it wouldn't have mattered one way or the other with him. I was thinking, as I drove home, of all the testosterone that will be in the house!!! Gracey (our chocolate lab) doesn't quite balance things out! OK so now start praying for specifics. Pray this little boy is safe in my womb. Pray that I wont have any premature labor, or any problems with the cerclage, infection, or any complications that can lead to premature births. Pray that this little guy will get to have a September birthday, just like his big brother. I will see Dr. Ramsey every 2 weeks, until he leaves- the second week of June, and may even go weekly around 22 weeks, but that's not been determined yet. Just stand in faith with us that this little warrior is gonna lead many to our awesome Creator through his long, long life!

I will say this about Mother's Day, although I cherish the day that I first heard Tobi say, "mama", it was very difficult to "celebrate" this time. I felt in some ways, that guilt, that I couldn't "mother" Layah as I was suppose to. I failed her. I know that's just Satan, but I felt it for a moment. I was kinda glad-however weird that may seem- that it rained a bit. It was kinda of a sign to me that our Heavenly Father, recognized the loss I feel and all the other mothers-to-be that lost her child/children, that I've met over this past year, and those that I have yet to meet. So many our forgotten, particularly on this important day. We see the cards at the store, Grandmother, Sister-in-law, Mother in law, new mother, mother-to-be, but what about the ones that weren't able to share a long life with her child\children? What about the mom-to-be-that-were-not-to-be? I was torn. I wanted to celebrate having the privilege of being Tobi's mom, but also I grieved the mother I would not be able to be for Layah. I know many who read this will know that pain in my heart and feel it too. If you read this and you are a mother, understand something very, very important, being a mother is something you should never take for granted. The ability to birth a child is a miracle, (and those mothers who adopt and accept those children into their lives have a special place in the Lord's heart, as He has adopted us through Christ) but I'm particularly addressing mom's that have the ability to give birth. Many unfortunately, abuse that gift, and do not appreciate it, and see how precious it is, but when you've walked this path I have taken, and many other moms walk beside me, behind me, and ahead of me that are not so fortunate, you realize that there are no "routine pregnancies". There are so many things that can go wrong, and so many things that must work together as a symphony to bring life into this world, each life created is a miraculous event. So make sure that you kiss your children even more so after you read this, just remembering how blessed or some say "lucky" to have healthy, "normal" children, as many would give everything they have and then some, to be in your shoes.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Child-like Faith

So today, after having spent the whole day home with Tobi today and yesterday (he had fever of 103.8 yesterday morning), it reminded me of how much I miss getting to hang out with him, just him and me. He has gotten very interested in pictures of Jesus and the cross, and sometimes the crown of thorns intrigues him. I'm not sure why. Out of the blue, he'll say, "Mom, Jesus is God. He lives in Heaven. He died on the cross so we could go to heaven." At 6 1\2 he's already grasping faith. Yes, at this point it has a lot to do with what he's been told by me and his dad, but in time, he will start to experience this God that is not only in Heaven but Emmanuel, "God with us". The devotional today was very appropriate. It was about this child-like faith. The story was about the man from Capernaum, who told Jesus of his sick servant that was suffering and paralyzed. Jesus told him that he would go to his house, but the centurion said that he didn't deserve to have Jesus under his roof, but if Jesus would simply say "he's healed", it would be so. Jesus was touched by this kind of faith; this man believed he was in the prescence of our holy God, and that He didn't have to be with the man to heal this man, He could simply say it. Wow! That's the kind of faith I want. I want to remember daily, Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being SURE of what we HOPE for and CERTAIN of what we do not SEE." This man was sure Jesus could heal his servant, and he was certain of it, without even having to see Jesus there with the man. Many times I struggle with fear, doubt, anxiety, thinking "Will God really keep this baby in me until 36 weeks? Will I experience another child dying? Is my body really gonna stay a safe place for this precious child?" But I have to stand on this verse and the promises that He's made. I have to be certain that we will see our "Hope", certain that it will be at the perfect timing, when this life will be healthy and strong and able to survive outside of my womb without medical assistance. I have to be certain that this life will NOT be cut so short. I have to be certain that this life to come is to do mighty things for His kingdom, and I am being prepared spiritually to equip this child with this type of faith. I know He miraculously healed Tobi and saved his life, because He has something special planned for him as well. Our family's favorite verse, we have on everything we can buy, is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." This has been our family's favorite verse since I was small, and my mom always stood firm on this verse, through everything that she, Derok, and I went through. She showed me that faith in what we hope for but yet do not see. There was another verse in today's devotional and it was Luke 18:27 "Jesus replied, "what is impossible with men is possible with God". These 2 verses go hand in hand. I have to have faith in knowing that with my God, all things are possible, even when I dont see it. I must be certain of this. That is my prayer for today. Lord, please give me the assurance and peace that what you have promised will come to pass, and will be fulfilled. Give me peace that only comes from you, in knowing that you alone are the author of life and know each day of life that is to be counted, for each person. I thank you that you have provided us with the best medical team, I feel, in the southeast. I am so grateful to be close to UAB and all the advancements and research they produce in order to help moms like me, Rachel, Johanna, Amber, and all those I do not know personally, who have lost children before each had a chance to really live, to be able to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy babies. You overcame sin and death. By your wounds I AM HEALED. I thank you for casting my sins as far as the east is to the west, and cleansing me white as snow with your precious blood. I praise you for my precious Tobi, and such a wonderful, and supportive family. This mother's day, I pray that my mom and Matt's mom, will grasp just how much I love both of them. Thank you for being all sufficient and everything we need, even when we don't realize it. I glorify your name, the name above every name. AMEN.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Nothing clearer than His light in me

This morning I read 1 Thessalonians 1:2-5. For we know brothers loved by God, that he has chosen you, because our gospel came to you not simply with words, but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and with deep conviction." As I read the devotional I was reminded that as Christians, we are commanded to share the gospel-the "Great Commission". Growing up, I used to be so terrified to do that because I always thought I wouldn't say the right thing, or that I wouldn't be able to stand up to the person's argument, or give them specific verses during the conversation. I just knew I would turn him\her farther away from God, rather than bringing Him to them. Now, as an adult, and with all the things I've been through growing up, my parents' divorce at an early age, my eating disorder that caused me to miss out on so much in high school and college, me & Derok's rare metabolic disease, CPT2, Tobi's traumatic birth, Layah's life and death, I realize that I don't have to "preach" to individuals. I simply have to tell them my story, and what all He's done in my life and through my life. The devotional was talking about advertisement and there's no better marketing tip than to have customers recommend a product to a friend or family member. One professor of advertising said, "It's human nature to talk about the things that excite us"! What else do we have to do but just share who our Father is to us! You don't have to preach hell-fire and brimstone, and judgement. You simply have to show them where you were, what you've been through, and who you are now. It's just like the blind man said, simply, I don't know what happen, but I was once blind and now I see. That's it, a changed life is all it takes. Now I wasn't so thrilled going through these struggles in my life, and prayed that He would "remove this thorn in my flesh" but it wasn't removed when I wanted it, and the way I wanted it. I learned to live with it and then, didn't notice, but one day the "thorn" was gone, and I was strengthened-spiritually. I could share with others His power, His love, His mercy, (oh boy His mercy!), and His amazing, amazing grace. I think so many times followers of Christ get caught up in the duty of sharing the gospel, that we forget why we want them to believe in the first place. Sure we don't want our friend and loved ones, and even strangers, to be eternally separated from God, but that's just a portion of it. That part comes afterwards, because once we give our lives to Him, and 100% of our heart, and just admit how messed up we are, and need Him, He will change us. We don't change ourselves. He does that. For some, old habits and addictions are healed instantly, others may continue to struggle, but eventually, we look back at that "thorn" and can share our life's journey to the point we are currently in, to be that salt and light to a desperate world. On a different topic, that I will tie back to this point, I don't know your political view, and I don't claim to be Republican or Democrat, I simply vote who has the most biblical principals, and unfortunately, sometimes for both parties, it's very few. I obvious believe life begins at conception, marriage is a sanctified union between a man and woman, I believe that war is necessary at times to defend the freedom that is never free, and I believe that our goverment is way too involved in our lives, and was never intended to be that way. Today is the National Day of prayer. Before it was made official, it actually began in 1775. Since it was created as a floating holiday in 1952, from what I know, each president for the past 57 years have made a declaration, personally observing this very important day. However, from what I hear and am very disturbed by, although not in the least bit surprised, from our current president, he has chosen to "tone down" or has decided that there will be no service in the East Room, like there has been for the past 8 years. Back to what I first began talking about, you can see each of our beliefs not solely by our words, but by our actions, and this has been clear from him from his campaign. He has not lied to us about who he is, or what he believes, which to me is scarry. If you have the time, look up what President Reagan read in the early 80's when he was in office, and was honoring the National Day of Prayer. It is a very significant contrast. At the same time I am very anxious to bring this new life into the world, I am very nervous for my child to have to face all of this Christianity persecution we face in today's society. We are told that Christians are suppose to be "tolerant" but most times, we are the ones who are not to be tolerated. I believe our founding fathers would role over in their graves at many of the laws and practices that our county have defaulted to, and have become "norm" over the past say 10 years. To say that we are not a Christian, Jewish, or any specific religious nation is a slap in the face at all that our forefathers did, and came here for. THEY CAME TO AMERICA, TO BE ABLE TO CELEBRATE OUR GOD, YAHWEH. Christianity is the very roots of America. It's on our currency, in our pledge, which sadly may soon be "intolerable". But in saying all this, does that mean that we need to just accept this is the way of life now and we can not boldly believe Jesus Christ is the ONLY way to eternal freedom and life? NO!!! Now more than every, we must be excited about our faith, and in these desperate times, when so many have lost so much, the nation is searching for hope, and we are to show them, through our life and where we found Hope, Who brings that constant hope that no economic disaster or natural disaster can waiver.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Pay it forward

This past week was very interesting. I talked with my new, dear friend, Johanna for 3 hours Wednesday night. She is the patient my wonderful OB connected me with, who recently lost twin boys, Michael and Gabriel, at 18 weeks for unknown reasons. It's be very therapeutic for me, as well as her, in talking about my journey through grief and things to expect and things not to expect. Grief is a very personal journey. I believe that those who grieve with hope have a shorter mourning period than those that grieve with no hope. Of course, I still grieve. I think about Layah daily, and many times, cry when I hear certain songs about seeing our loved ones again, heaven, hope, etc. Sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. My heart still aches for her. Talking with Johanna was helpful for me as well as her. Anytime I get to share the memories of my pregnancy and time with her, it's painful and opens wounds I thought were healed back up, but it's also cleansing and refreshing, and life-giving to my faith and my hope. Through the week as we talked on the phone and by email, I read the daily devotional for the day that she and I met, and it was titled, " I Will Never Leave You". I shared it with her. I know it was a message for both of us. In the first verses this phrase was inspired in God's word, Deuteronomy 31:1-8, Moses is telling God's people that his time as their leader is coming to an end. He tells them that God will go ahead of them and Joshua, their new leader will also now go ahead to lead them. He tells them to be courageous and not to be afraid, that the Lord God goes with them and he will never leave them or forsake them. Then in verse 7 it says, "Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the presence of all Israel, "Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the LORD swore to their forefathers to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. 8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Jesus said the same thing as he ascended into heaven, "I am with you always", and it was repeated in Hebrews 13:5. I think this is the process of many of our faith. Some of us go through some terrible events. I could never console someone who is walking this path, if I had not journeyed it myself. Some people call it "paying it forward", but really this is what God intended, to use your experience to comfort and console others on the same journey. 2 Corinthians says, "3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles,SO THAT WE CAN COMFORT THOSE IN ANY TROUBLE WITH THE COMFORT WE OURSELVES HAVE RECEIVED FROM GOD." This scripture gave me great hope in knowing I would one day be used to comfort others going through this same tragic life changing event. It seemed an awfully distant expectation, but here we are, not even a year out from losing our precious Layah, and someone else is now where Rachel and i were. My dear friend Rachel, whom I met only because God knew I needed someone who had walked this journey before me. My mother in law happen to be at the cemetery at the same time her husband was, both trying to get the water to work to water our babies' graves. Rachel and Thomas had lost their precious Isaac, the day he was born, after only 18 minutes, from Trisomy 16, a chromosomal defect that is not compatible with life, causing the babies to have an additional set of chromosomes, similar to Down's Syndrome, but Down's only involves one additional single chromosome. She was 6 months ahead of me in her path of grief, and she was able to prepare me, and console me, and just understand unlike anyone else. Ironically, (which we don't believe in coincidences), Rachel's birthday is the day that we buried Layah, June 11th, and the day that my mom's baby brother Ronnie died. Also, Thomas, her husband, his grandmother dated my grandfather's brother, (the same grandfather whose birth and death date was Layah's due date, and who she's next to), and she taught my mom in elementary school. One other thing, Rachel's sister was in Matt's graduating class at John Carroll!! What are the chances we'd have all those connections? Rachel is now expecting a baby girl, Annabella, in July. Since I have been unable to go to a baby shower, and not ready to make a trip to the maternity ward to visit a mom and baby, my goal is to make it to her shower. She's deserving of so much happiness after losing Isaac. So, my prayer is that one day, soon, Johanna will be healthy enough physically, emotionally, and mentally to conceive and have no problems with getting pregnant or carrying a baby to full term. After all, that's my goal too. I'm just a few steps ahead of her.

Faithfully His,

Mika

OB apt

Last night I watched one of my favorite shows, "Mystery Diagnosis" and to my amazement, the first episode had been promoted as a girl who's body was eating itself away from the inside. It was a young girl, 15, in North Carolina, who was playing soccer, in the heat, and ended up having rhabdomyalisis, (the breakdown of the muscle tissue that causes severe pain and cramps and inmobility), and myoglobinuria, (the urin is coffee-color because the kidneys are working overtime trying to filter proteins from the urine who have this dark pigment color). I knew, once they said her CK (Creatine Kinase)- which is the amount of muscle tissue in the bloodstream- count was 200,000 (normal is b\t 50-250), she had it. She had the same autosomial recessive, metabolic myopathy my brother and I have-CPT type II. She is an only child and this diagnosis was recent, in 2007. She had one other episode that hospitalized her, where her CK reached 50,000, before her pediatrician referred her to a geneticist at North Carolina Children's Hospital, where it was confirmed. I was so excited! They finally had it on there!!! And the coolest thing, is that it was a girl! This myopathy is predominantly in males. Anyway, I looked up her family, and found her dad is a lawyer- how weird is that my dad is also a lawyer! I emailed him and am very anxious to hear back. She is the age when I was diagnosed, in 1995, so having someone who can tell her how she might physically feel as she gets older, and plans to have a family, might be exciting for her.

Ok for my OB apt update. Dr Ramsey checked her heartbeat and it sounded great. Went over that I've had no female problems, but have been having these horrible, stinkin' headaches daily for about 2 weeks. He gave me something to take for that. He asked me a favor, which I was thrilled to oblige. He has another patient who is about my age who recently lost twins at 18 weeks. He said that when he saw her last, it was like seeing a version of me-but I was more depressed than she, (imagine that). He said she was in denial and he suggested she get involved in a support group, (which are really not available locally as consistent as most moms who've recently experienced a loss can need it) and also told her that he would check with me about being a contact for her since she might prefer the one-on-one. I was thrilled. I told him any patients he thought I might relate, I'd love to talk to. We talked about his up and coming leave, (I'm gonna cry!!!) at the end of May. He said he'd be in town on June the 9th and would come by just to see me, with his kids! I thought that was so nice. So the plan is to do an ultrasound next week, and plan to see the sex of this baby-which we know is a girl!!! So prayer warriors, continue to pray as we approach the 23rd and 26 week period, when Tobi and Layah came, that these will be just dates on a calendar and they will be very boring and regular days for me and our family! That's it for now.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Storms in our lives

Yesterday the devotional I read was the verses I read the day Layah was born, Matthew 8:23-27, which I got tattooed with Layah's feet print on me because it was so powerfully prophetic and to remind me of always striving to have unwaivering (that's the hard part) faith. " Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24 Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" 26He replied, "You of little FAITH, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." The writer of the devotional said that it's natural for us to be frightened in a storm (literal or figurative), as the disciples had seen the miracles of Jesus but still cried out to him in fear for their lives, and he was sitting right in the boat with them, yet they were afraid! The writer said that Jesus used the storm to show them who He was and still is- a powerful God who also cared for them, for us. Although God wont always calm our "storm", He will always be with us "in the boat" and He is able to give us calmness in our spirit and bodies.
I learned today, in visiting a friend of mine in the department I used to be in at work, that my previous manager's wife, lost her battle with cancer April 10th. I didn't know his faith, as he never shared anything with me about his wife's illness, although when Layah died and I returned from maternity leave, he and I would talk in his office at length. As I read his wife's Caringbridge page, and the letter he wrote to friends and family upon her passing, I cried and cried. I could sense his peace. He said that she was at rest and not in anymore pain, and in Paradise with the Lord Jesus, and the only pain now is of those who are left to continue life without her. As I read, I thought about the devotional from yesterday, and in my previous blog entry about "the Cross". He grieves with us. He rejoices with us. Every emotion we feel, He has felt, and is right there with us during those times- of death and life, sometimes holding our hands, sometimes carrying us. It opened my healing wounds of grief for Layah, as if she passed yesterday, but I too understand exactly this husband's point. We are the ones "missing out". I've said it before- it really should be opposite emotional expressions: rejoice when a believer goes home to be with the Lord, and weep with sadness when a child is born into this fallen creation. Obviously any new life brings joy, but I hope you understand my point. Whether we live a 100 years or 6 days like my precious Layah, it is all so fleeting in comparison to eternity. I had been worried yesterday about something trivial, as if God would not provide in this particular need, and today, I am reminded that He is always there, supplying every need, that best suits His plan for our lives. I looked up many names of our sweet Jesus, and wanted to share them with you. Each of them represent a special name, one that can be used in each of our situations, as we talk to Him. The one that I was not familiar with, but definitly see this part of God all the time, (and many unbelievers may not be able to view Him in this manner), is- Yahweh Nakeh, "our God who smiles". I pray as I seek Him each day, at the end of the day, no matter my falls, He will smile upon me.

Yehweh(Jehovah), "He who is", "the great I AM", LORD, "God Almighty," , "omnipotence & sovereignty",
Elohim " God", "Mighty One" (sort of like, "my boss")
Eloi! " (an outcry to God, one desperately alone) My God!"
El-Shaddai "my All-sufficient", "Almighty God of strength/power"
Adonai "The Lord" (as in The Trinity)
Jehovah "Redeemer of His people"
Yahweh Yireh "God will provide/my Provider"
Yahweh Rophe, "our God who HEALS"!!!
Yahweh Nissi "God is my banner, "
Yahweh M'kaddesh "God your sanctifier"
Yahweh Shalom "God is peace/my peace"
Yahweh Tsidkenu, "God our righteousness"
Yahweh Raah "God is my shepherd"
Yahweh Shammah "God is there, is present"
Yahweh Nakeh "our God who SMILES"
El Elyon "The Most High!", (literally, the strongest Mighty One"
El Roi "the Mighty One who sees"
El Olam " Everlasting God and God of Eternity"
Father (as a child speaking to his father)
Abba (like a child speaking to his daddy)
the Truine God (the simultaneous existence of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit)

Most of these names had the expressions the Hebrew people used when speaking this word, and I would say 90% of them said "celebratory/descriptive name". In closing, that is the way I say, "Abba, thank you so much for being all these names to me and more. Thank you for holding me close to you each and every day. I love you and kiss my sweet Layah for me"

Faithfully His,

Mika

Busy weekend and my request to you

Well we had planned to have a busy weekend, and I knew I'd be pooped, but I was exhausted! Friday night I unpacked a cabinet in the kitchen we keep our paperwork stuff in, in order for Matt to be able to move it, in preparation for our new floors to go in. Saturday morning, I had to take Tobi for soccer pictures at 8:15, which is too early for me on the weekend to actually have something to be at! Then his game was a 9. Matt stayed at home to move everything out of the kitchen and dining room for he, his dad, and my dad to start laying the flooring down. After Tobi's game, (they won 9-5 woo hoo!!), we went by Starbucks cause I needed some caffine, (it was half caf so dont freak). Then we came home, and rushed to get Tobi changed. I knew he'd want to "watch" Pop (Matt's dad), but that wasn't gonna happen. So we ran by the library to return and pick up a book-for me. Then went to Cobblestone shoes to get Tobi some new Crocs. He picked out brown, (what a smart kid, knowing it'll go with everything!). Then we went to Belk where we tried on what seemed like 20 things for Tobi- and only got 2. Then it was Mom's turn. While Tobi waited patiently (HA!) with Mimi, I tried on a few shirts- for my growing belly and yes boobs. After all that shopping, it was time to eat. So, we went to "Welcome to Moe's!" as a treat from Mimi, and the line was almost running out the door. We ate and then it was time for Mimi to go home. Tobi and I went to Walmart to get some play shorts and let him spend his $1 he got from Mimi for minding Mom, (well he did for like 30 minutes). My eyes were about to shut, I was getting so sleepy as we got in the car. So we headed home, for a quick stop to check on the guys' progress. It looked great. I changed clothes and decided to take a break on the couch. While Tobi was watching Lord of the Rings on TV and wasn't too much in the way, I dozed a bit. Then it was time to head to Publix. We loaded up on necessities for the house and headed back home, in time to see that Grungie (my dad) was gone, and Papa was picking up his tools for the day. With all our running around and then having to cook something and clean up a bit, we were all asleep by 9, which is kinda early for the weekends at our house. Unfortunately, we were so exhausted and couldn't get up to get to church. We'll have to watch it online this week. Sunday, my sweet husband did let me have the day to myself, and I finally got to watch-in it's entirety- Twilight. Very good movie. See Hollywood, you can make a love story without having to have sex scenes all through the movie. I don't remember "Edward" being so hot in Harry Potter, must have been the part. So, nothing exciting to report about my pregnancy. I am going to start the progesterone shots this weekend. Matt's mom will do them for me since she's a nurse. It's great to have her do it. She's a very good stick! As the weeks get closer to that point at which we lost Layah, I ask that you will lift me up in your prayers and ask the Lord that He would give me assurance, peace, and just confirmation that this pregnancy will bring life that will not end so suddenly. ( I am 16 weeks and Layah came at 23) It's still very hard at times, just desperately missing her. I picked up some stuff in our bedroom and decided to move Layah's keepsakes to our closet, to get out on special occasions, and I was fine- until I started washing my face and then I just lost it. I know I've mentioned it before, but please pray that at those times, when I feel that I failed her, that I will sense His Peace, and her joy in being with Him. I stopped asking, "why us? and why me?" but the feelings of guilt still surface at times. I'll end on this prayer of praise. "Lord, thank you so much for Your omnipresence. I'm so thankful that I don't have to worry about tomorrow, as you hold it in your hands. You know my heart; when I'm joyful and in mourning. I thank you for always having time for me, even when I don't return the same. I thank you for your grace and mercy and the blessings of a great job, a close and loving family, a wonderful marriage, and a miracle son. You are worthy to be praised! In your precious Son's holy name, Jesus. Amen"

Faithfully His,

Mika

Reflections

I was so tired from such a busy Easter weekend, I decided to try and get to post a blog once I had some energy. Sunday was very special. We celebrated "Coming Home" at Church of the Highlands. Pastor Chris, as he does many times, gave a new prospective on the way God views believers and unbelievers. He doesn't see them as "in the club" and those that are not. He views them all as His children, some that are lost. To be lost, you had to have had it in your possession at one time or another, so the Lord sees the unbelievers as children that He desperately wants to return home. He described a situation, Matt and I could relate to, where he thought one of his 5 children was lost. When Matt and I took Tobi trick-or-treating in 2005, Tobi was dressed as Darth Vader, a very cute one, but a very black-dressed one. At the home in Hoover where we attended a Halloween party, Tobi went missing and Matt and I panicked when he was not in the house. As dark as it was outside, and as dark as his costume was, finding him was like trying to find something at night when the power goes off. We were terrified. We heard his little voice yelling, up the street, and another parent could tell we were looking for him and were scared and pointed to us where he was. We we figured out he had walked off with some of the kids in the neighborhood, that came to the house we were at to get their candy, we were so relieved. We were so glad to see him. No, we didn't punish him because we were just SO relieved he was safe and back with us. We did scold him for walking off from the house and where mommy and daddy were, but the anger was not there because of the relief in having him back with us, our family together. That's how God must feel. Once His lost child returns home, rather than be greeted with guilt and punishment, when we cry out to Him and repent, He casts our sins "as far as the east is to the west". I like what pastor Chris also said about becoming a new creation in Christ. You have to come home to be changed and made new, not change to come home. That's so true. As I said in my last Sunday entry, once you cry out to Him, He does the rest. You're not perfect, but you strive to please Him and make Him proud, and just you just live to show Him you're love and devotion.
So that was church. Then we drove out to Elmwood Cemetery to spend a few minutes remembering Layah. It was very difficult for me. I just wept thinking how much I miss her. At times I do get "beat up" feeling I failed her. I caused her death because I caused her to come so early. She was perfect. My body has been the problem. If I'd only researched the problem when it first starting becoming symptomatic. I know that's Satan, but it's hard to fight at times. I just had to say, "Thank you God for the resurrection of your Son, and the resurrection of Layah with you". So, after driving there, going to eat with Mom, Granny, and Derok's (my brother) family and egg hunting, I was pooped and took a catnap at Nana and Papa's, (Matt's mom and dad).

Today I had a follow up with Dr. Ramsey. The baby's heart beat was 140, which was excellent. With no problems, PRAISE GOD, I will go back in 2 weeks. He said that since I'm small, we should be able to find out the sex, 2 weeks from that appointment, May 12th, the Tuesday after Mother's Day!! I am very excited about that. We know God has Arwyn awaiting to come to us for a lifetime. :)

Faithfully His,

Mika

"Good" Friday

This was my first time to be off for Good Friday, in almost 9 years of working at BCBSAL. Being in the finance department, and not customer service, we get to enjoy the company holiday. It's awesome to work for a company that recognizes the importance of this day. Good Friday. Hmm. I'm not sure about that title. Yes it was good for us, but so horrible for Jesus. Maybe it should be called Victory Friday, or even Dark Friday. Besides Christmas, this is the most important weekend of the year. Like everyone else, I too enjoy the Easter egg hunts, the Easter bunny, and baby chicks, but as with most important issues, our society loses sight of the true meaning of holidays, and why we celebrate them.

Today Lord, help me and my family to reflect on this terrible day in history, that you and your Father could so easily have said, "No" to, but you became the slaughtered sacrificial Lamb to not just cover our sin, but deem us righteous in His sight. I thank you so much for your victory that we share over sin and death. It's also a sad time for me in that I dont get to buy the cute little 8 month old girl dress for my precious Layah, but I know You have dressed her in perfection in Heaven each day, but I'm sure something special on this day. So this year, I will not only mourn and celecbrate your death and resurrection, but also my precious Layah Faith's. Kiss her for me, and make sure she knows I will always try my hardest to make her proud, as I make You proud. I love you both with all my heart and soul.

Faithfully Yours,

Mika

The Cross

Today was a long, overdue day back to Church. He always knows exactly what I need to hear. Pastor Chris has been doing a series on the seven, last days of Jesus' life. Today was the final one about the cross. I knew of the torturous acts of violence Jesus endured. But each time I hear it, I weep as if hearing it for the first time. You know the whip, the "cat of nine tails" with the wet leather, and bits of broken bone, metal and glass embedded in each strip, for the purpose of not just whipping, but to embed in the victim's flesh and then, the soldier would pull down, to destroy the flesh. The whip was intended to separate the trap muscle from the neck. Thirteen lashes on each side of the neck, and 13 down the spine, however, most people died before the 39th. Besides the betrayal Jesus experienced from his follower Judas, the injustice of the illegal trials, He experienced the physical torture for us, so He could, (as pastor Chris says), qualify to be our best friend. He's experienced everything we have, betrayal, false accusations, humiliation, embarrassment, etc so He can say, "I've been there". The humiliation He endured after He survived the whip was experienced in the "locker room" of the soldiers. Where they stripped him naked, blindfolded him, and hit and kicked him as they said things like, "if you are the Christ, which one of us kicked you?" The crown of thorns was horrible in and of itself, as it was forced down on his head, not just causing cuts to bleed out, but also internal bleeding, which I couldn't imagine the type of migraine and pressure He endured. Then the nails, (most likely hammered through His wrist because had they been in his palms, the weight of his body would simply have caused them to rip through his hands), used to pierce his flesh-and for our transgressions. As he alternated positions, his weight bared on his lungs until he could breath no more, He had to slide up-the splintered wood on his open-flesh back- to simply take a breath before sinking back down. He was in this position, most likely for 6 hours. Why? Why go through all that? And not just Jesus, but as I listened to Pastor Chris go over this horrific day's events, I wept, not just for Jesus', but for His Father. To see my tiny Layah bleed, comfortably sedated, for 12 hours, knowing I was helpless to heal her, now thinking of God's heart as He watched His only Son go through this, knowing He could stop it, all of it, I was overwhelmed with grief for Him, God the Father. He could have stopped Jesus' pain, healed Him, struck down the soldiers torturing Him, but He didn't because this was the plan all along. This was why they chose this time in history of all, for capital punishment was the most horrendous, in hopes that this would show us just how much He loves us. What else could He have done? That He would allow His only Son to go through this, for us to become heirs of His. Wow. As our service ended, I went to the cross and thanked Him. I thanked Him for sparing Layah so much pain. I thanked Him for loving her more than we could imagine love. I thanked Him for the 6 days we shared with her. I asked Him to give us life for this new baby, and by His stripes, heal my womb. Make it safe for this child and any to come. I knew when I wrote the letter to Layah, I read at her funeral, He knew my grief. But today I realized, He didn't just know it, but He experienced it with me. As I wept for her, He wept at my pain and suffering in losing her, since I am His child, His heir. I praise Him for His victory over sin and death, and that as Jesus was resurrected, so will we all, and I'll see my precious baby girl again. I hope this Easter, all of us will not just go through the motions of remembering this holiday, but we'll truly experience it. Let it change us. Let us receive all the gifts it brings, Peace, Hope, Joy, Forgiveness, Healing, Life completely. I pray if you read this and are not in a personal relationship with Him, you will call His name, and tell Him how much you need Him, and acknowledge yourself a sinner as we all are, and how you want Him to live in you. You need His peace, His joy, His hope, His love, His forgiveness. I pray you will tell Him you know He sent His only Son, specifically for you, so that Jesus would pay a debt He didn't owe, for a debt we couldn't pay, and He was resurrected to overcome sin and death for you. There doesn't have to be a "King James" conversation, but one you'd have with a friend, your Father, someone close to you. All He wants is your heart. He takes care of the rest. The act is not religious or a ceremony, but just a passionate cry for Abba, Father, Daddy. He loves us no matter what we've done. He doesnt want us to just follow rules, and deprive us of the world's idea of "fun", but He just wants our love. If we love Him, truely love Him, like a committed husband to a wife, we follow the rules, not just out of obligation, but simply as an act of our love and devotion. He gives us Mercy we don't deserve, and Grace we don't either. He wants each of us to call on Him to find our purpose on this earth, and to fulfill it. I hope you are blessed by this message today, as He deserves all glory and honor. Thank you Jesus for saving me from myself. He LIVES!!!

Faithfully His,

Mika

surgery follow up apt

I had some pain this morning on my way into work. Since the cerclage surgery, I've felt more pressure and pain if my bladder is not emptied quickly. So with traffic being really bad from Alabster into Pelham because of construction, I took my typical side route through Oak Mountain, but it was still a longer trip than usual. By the time I got to 119, I was hurting and stopped into Mcdonald's to tee tee. I felt better afterwards, but once I got into work, the pain kinda turned into a lower side-stich pain, like you feel on a long run's start. I went to the bathroom a few more times, and it seemed to subside. I was scheduled to see Dr. Ramsey today at 3:15 anyway but when the pain started again at lunchtime, I decided to go ahead and head downtown early-plus, the storms are gonna be pretty bad this afternoon, and I needed to go by and pick up Tobi's new red\black ear molds and his hearing aid, that was sent off for repair, and had come back in. I'm so thankful that the MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) clinic always squeezes me in without a second thought. Dr. Ramsey was paged that I had come early and came right over. I did a "clean catch" urin specimen. He listenned with the dopplar and her heart beat was fine. He pushed around on me and said that because it was more to the side, it didnt sound like a problem from the cerclage, but would double ck the urin to make sure there was no blood in it that could be coming from the bladder. He gave me my prescription for the compounding pharmacy to get my hydroxprogesterone shots, that I'll start in 3 weeks from today-16 weeks. We talked a few minutes about my precious friend Rachel, (that God joined me with a couple of weeks after Layah's funeral. Matt's mom and her husband Thomas were having issues with the water spouts at the cemetery and began talking.) who was my soon-to-be doctor, Dr. Joey Biggio's patient with her pregnancy in December 2007 when she and Thomas lost their son, Isaac, on the day he was born, from Trisomy 16. I was telling him to let Dr. Biggio know that she's having a baby girl in July, (as she's seeing another OB in the practice now). Before either of us were pregnant, we talked about wanting the same sex baby that we'd lost, which apparently is typical. So when she found out they were having a girl, I asked her about the feelings she had. I wondered if there was any disappointment along with her joy. I realized in our talk, that it seems that our brain & emotions must "reset" the minute that the baby's sex is determined because then it's no longer an "it" but there is an identity to this life in you. With Trisomy babies, the condition is the baby has a whole extra set of chromosomes, similar to Down's Syndrome where there is just 1 single extra chromosome, but Trisomy babies, for the most part, not compatible with life because of this, but the condition is diagnosed fairly early, about 16 weeks. So the pregnancy is a long and sad pregnancy with usually a fatal outcome. As Rachel's fears were of this baby's health, and once everything was measured and was perfect, her worry was not gone because of just the common pregnancy possible complications, but was minimized concerning the Trisomy. However, with me, I really wont be completely without worry, until I hold our sweet baby in my arms. I have peace, but of course there are human feelings that I have to wrestle with. Afterall, my children are perfect. I am the one that is "incompitent" as the diagnosis portrays. I know God makes no mistakes, so I guess I picture myself with traits of Jacob who wrestled the angel and walked with a limp the rest of his life. Not because God couldnt heal him, but because He wanted it to be reminder of his dependence on God. I could have had perfect pregnancies, but I wouldnt be who I am today had I. Well, keep praying. Please pray that my discomfort will dissipate and it will be something minor like inflammation from the healing cervix, or pulling ligaments or a bladder/kidney infection that can be resolved with antibiotics. We know this child is promised and He will bring life to us in September.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Surgery complete

So, today we had the double-stitched Mcdonald cerclage put in, We got to the pre admit, as scheduled, at 7am, but of course they didnt even call me back to get ready until about 9:45. I had a great nurse, Melia. We talked to the anesthesiology team and they were well aware of my CPT type II dificiency disease. Since I had not had anything to eat or drink since Thursday night at 8, I got a migrane. They medicated me for that and the nausea. I finally went back to the OR at noon. All that I remember, (even though I was not under general anesthesia and had had some demerol and phergan going for several hours before) was seeing Dr. Ramsey useing a suction devise, like at the dentist office, to get the excess blood. I could hear hims talking, but dont remember what was said. Apparently, during the procedure, my heart rate went down to 38, so unknown to me, they gave me some ephedra-yes the kind that is now illegal to sale in nutritional supplements, but it can be used for medicinal purposes. Once in recovery, I felt pretty bad. I was very nauseated and continued to vomit, along with the severe pain in my belly from the cerclage, and the worst part was feeling the strong urge to pee but I could not since my bottom half was still somewhat asleep. So the weight of my full bladder on top of my cervix, caused some severe pain, it really felt like it did when I had labor. It was a lot more painful than I had anticipated. So, I got more pain medicaton and nausea medication. I was SOOOO thankful, Dr. Ramsey was the one to do the procedure. I didnt know till about a couple of hours before, since he was trying to get out doing clinic in April, but he came in and told me he'd told the other doctor that morning, he'd be doing my surgery. I ran into a girl, Crystal Hansen, that I cheered with at Erwin. We'd run into each other before, when Tobi was in the hospital. It was good to see her. Dr. Ramsey checked on me in recovery and then said if I needed him over th weekend or next week, I had his cell number. How many doctors give their patient their personal cell phone #?!!! I dont want him to leave!!! So, on our way home, I started feeling bad again, but, also sleepy. I know this discomfort will only last a few days. We all have a great feeling about this baby's life. Arwyn Hope will come into the world involuntarily, the doctors will be the ones to take her out. (yes I'm going to go ahead and say it's a girl) I'm gonna take it very easy over the next few days, including Monday. I'm so glad that this is behind us and now we can enjoy a long pregnancy. Keep praying! Love you all!

Faithfully His,

Mika

Pre Op OB visit today

I went to have the pre op "stuff" today. I was expecting to do my labwork, since they said that it would need to be done within 72 hours, but for some reason, they want me to do it Thursday instead, so I have to make another trip down to UAB, but whatever, that's fine. So I had pap cultures taken and lucky me, with antibiotics, comes yeast, and so yes, had to get a prescription for that this afternoon. We were able to hear the strong heart beat again, and then we had the ultrasound. She (yes I'm gonna go ahead and just be saying that so you might get confused) was very active and moving all around. We have 1 great picture of her and in the background you can see her tiny fist, which I saw as the ultrasound was being done, but thought by the time she took the picture, the fist was gone, but it's there in the background. It's so amazing everything's in place and starting to function, at this point. It was so amazing to see the baby moving and the heart beating. I never get used to that. So, the plan is for us to arrive on Friday morning at 7am. I will get more labwork done, IV in, and they will start the spinal, which apparently is the longest part of the whole process and procedure. I was late reading my devotional today, but it was the verses in Luke where the angel of the Lord appeard to the shephards and told them of Christ's birth and how they went to see Him. What I noticed today is Luke 2:19, "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." This after the shepherds visited Mary and Joseph and were amazed and spread the word about Him. I can relate to how this will feel for me when this baby comes and we have visitors and everyone who knows us and our family and our story will also be amazed at this baby's miraculous entry into the world. It excites me and I have so much peace about what's to come-a long, long, pregnancy.

Faithfully His,

Mika

Under the Weather

Well, I've had a cold since last Thursday. I had a sore throat and laryngitis. The hoarsness seamed to go away on Sunday, but the "barky" dry cough, and sore throat has remained. Dr. Ramsey's nurse called me in arythromicyn, or the Z pak, to get rid of this congestion in my sinuses before next week. On top of having migraine headaches from hormones during pregnancy, now I've had them because of the sinus pressure. I've had a low grade fever, so I've been taking tylenol as well. I pray I wll not have any of these symptoms by Friday. I'm gonna try to rest this weekend and then next week try to get the house cleaned up, so I can be lazy in a clean house post op. I told Matt to be ready to be at my service!!! Tobi's gonna spend the night with Nana and Papa on Friday night. So that will be a good time for Matt and I to spend some time watching a movie and talking. Today when I was reading my devotional the scripture was Genesis 18:1-15. It was when Abraham and Sarah were told that by the next year that the Lord came to them, they would have a Son. Sarah actually laughed to herself, (as of the Lord didnt know), and said something to her self like, "yeah right, I'm old and worn out and so is my husband and you're gonna give us a child now?" I'm sure she was surprised when the Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say will I really have a child , now? Is anything too hard for the Lord? " She tried to lie and say she didnt laugh, and He said, "yes you did". As I read it, I was not only reminded that He is faithful to His word, and also, He knows when we doubt. Although Satan makes it difficult, and throws at us worry, fear, anxiety, doubt, we have to verbally speak the promises of God, and remember, Numbers 23:19 "God is not man, that should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" and one of my favorites of His faithfulness, Hebrews 10:23 (another 23 for those of you who know my family!) " Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Wow. That was written for me, and for you. Well, I will post again soon.

Faithfully His,

Mika
Mika

Surgery scheduled

So his morning, I had to go into Walgreen's to get some cold medicine I can take, and walked down the seasonal aisle in the back, and as I did, I glanced to my left, and there on the shelf, the last one, was a terracotta cross that said "Hope". I knew it was just a little encouragement from my heavenly Father for today. So, I went to my OB, Dr. Patrick Ramsey, who to me is the best OB every. At 10 1\2 weeks he wasn't sure that we were gonna be able to hear the heartbeat, but I reminded him that with Layah, we heard her's at 8 weeks. So he placed the Doppler on my belly, and there it was, fast and strong. So, then we talked and scheduled the "McDonald", (that's the name if this type) , Cerclage for next Friday, March 27th at 8am. I will have a spinal block for anesthesia, and he said he expected me to be home by noon. He drew out the 3 different types of cerclages that are performed and explained in detail, how they would stitch the cervix close. If you're interested, this is what it will look like, www.utdol.com/online/content/image.do?imageKey=obst_pix/mcdona7.htm&title=McDonald%20cerclage , however, I will have it doubled. He said that as many prophylactic (preventative) cerclages he has done, he'd not had a patient that had complications immediately following the procedure. Along with the nurses, and other folks I've talked about the cerclage and it's success with, I've heard nothing but great news. He doesn't anticipate me needing to be on bed rest. Besides other reasons, what complicates my case, is that with an "incompetent" (I had that word) cervix, there is no labor, just dilation of the cervix prematurely and out comes baby. But with Tobi, I actually had progressive labor. The puzzle is that we don't know if my cervix had already been dilated for days, or weeks, and with it an easy opening for infection, infection caused me to go into premature labor. With Layah, there was no labor at all. So, the chances of me having signs of premature labor are slim, we still want to pray against that possibility. I will go back to the doctor's office on Tuesday to have pre op labs, an ultrasound, and a pap. I'm feeling a lot of things, anxiousness, excitement, nervousness. I'm trying not to be fearful, and just praising God for His promises when those thoughts start coming. We didn't have a room color or anything for Layah planned, although we had the crib and other immediate necessities we had saved with Tobi, in her room, but no decor planned. So, in faith, I went to Lowes and picked out a minty, light green that we plan to do the nursery in. After all, He said, the tiniest, mustard-seed size amount of faith can move mountains. Please pray this upcoming week that the doctor's hand will be skilled and precise, and the cerclage will be placed high enough, deep enough, and tight enough and that I will not have any problems with anesthesia, especially the spinal wearing off. Pray that my body will accept this foreign object, and there will be no infection or bacteria that can get in. I know as with Tobi, and Layah, there are many prayer warriors, who "approach the thrown of grace with confidence". Please do so for me, and our sweet precious blessing inside of me.

HOPEful,

Mika

Dreary day

Today was suppose to be a fun-filled day on a field trip to the zoo, but that was not to be since Tobi was still sick with the stomach virus, looking to be exiting his system soon. So, we had a few errands to do, and then I decided Tobi could pick out a toy from Target since he didnt get to go to the zoo with his friends. We had to go downtown to get his glasses fixed and I decided I'd go buy the cemetery to change out Layah's flag. We have a garden flag that we change out with the seasons and holidays and I found one at the Amen Corner that said Alleluja He is risen and has big pink and white tulips on it. I dont know if it was the nasty weather, my hormones, or a combonation of that, but I was very emotional in the car on my way. It's just a very difficult, emotional time when a mom thinks, " I have to 'visit' my child at the cemetery". As much as I know she's better there in His arms, than here, the human side of me still wants to be selfish and have her here.But as Tobi reminds me often, "..we have to be really old before we can go be with Layah..."
I want to tell you that dont know of the vision I mentioned previously. When I first started having signs of my cervix dialating, (the weekend after Mother's Day), I had to visit the maternity triage at UAB in the middle of the night, and after being on monitors all night, and being sent hope with a Rx, and orders to rest in bed, I slept all day, so I was not sleepy that night. As I lie awake in the darkness of night, I began feeling as thought I was being "attacked" spiritually, which is something hard to explain unless you've experienced the feeling as a parent where there's potentional danger for your child and you have to act quickly. I began feeling and thinking of despair, death, tradgedy, sadness, and I started praying, with my mouth, and telling the Lord, "I know you have a plan for this baby girl-we'd not named yet. I know you are the author of life, and that you love us and want us to have a future, and this baby to have a future...." and just thanking Him for His grace and miracles and Tobi's miraculous birth and survival." So, as I talked to Him, I felt He began to show me clips of my life. I've only "seen" something I knew was from God, 1 other time, before this, and it was the night after Tobi's first week of life, when I received a call at 1AM from the NICU when the called to let us know Tobi was not doing well and although we didnt need to go to the hospital right then, they were letting us know his downward path could continue. So as I prayed and read God's word, and that day's devotional, which was in Psalms 46:10, He said that to me, "Be still and know that I'm God" and I could see Tobi resting on His chest, and basically, as a father talks to a daughter, said to my spirit, "Mika, there is nothing you can do for Tobi except what you already are:pump, pray, and be there with him as much as possible." I am with him, I am in control, and you just have to have faith, and understand this is gone to be a long journey, but he will make it, and he will be fine, and will not be handicapped. "And after that night, I had so much peace, that even when the nurses would say, "well, today could be good, but tomorrow he could have a really bad day", but I knew that once Tobi began to show improvement, he would not have a "bad day", and he didnt. Tobi continued to slowly improve, until we took Him home. I still "hear" the Lord saying those promises to me, as if it was yesterday. So, as He showed me these visions, I could hear our baby girl screaming cry, which was music, since Tobi's cry was so pitiful due to the amount of lung damage he'd had because of the oxygen and amount of time on the vent, his was more like a mouse cry, or a grunt; he grunted more than anything. So I go into the bedroom to pick her up and nurse her, and I rock her in her dim lit room. Then it's a "clip" a few months later, and I'm holding her up high, and she has a white onsie on and pink pants. She's beautiful and chubby. She's got big brown eyes like her mama, and blonde hair, like her brother did as a baby and toddler. As she laughted and smiled, I could see her two bottom, front teeth. I said, "Thank you Lord" and shortly after, fell asleep. So 2 weeks before I was to return to work, I was just having a crying episode, and I got really angry and started talking to God and I said, "Why?!! Why?!! Why would you show me this beautiful, healthy baby girl, if we were not to get to keep her? You showed me a life with her, and during my conversation with Him, He said to my spirit, "My child, I never said that was Layah". That was it, nothing more, but I could not hold myself up, and just fell to my knees and face. He would fulfill His promise, and He would show He's faithful. So ever since, we've felt, our daughter to come, we would name, Arwyn Hope Shelfer. Having had different things that pointed to the name Hope because of our grief, but grief with Hope, and Hope in His promises, and then a series at Church of the Highlands on Hope, it just made sense. Arwyn is just a different name we like that means "noble maiden". So, that's it. That's the second vision I had. I will tell you the 3rd, of Layah another time. As April approaches, a time where our family joins with other families to walk and raise money for March of dimes, I've emailed the family volunteer coordinator, and some of the directors of MOD that we would not be walking this year, at least my husband and I wouldnt. My brother and his family may, but it's just still very raw, and painful when surrounded by similar stories of life, fortunately, like Tobi's. We will send $ and ask anyone that feels God lay on his\her heart to donate, to please send the money to MOD in Layah's memory. I will have more later on where to send it, if any of you feel led to. We are expecting to walk next year, with a baby in a jogger! Till next time,

Faithfully His,

Mika

A New Journey to Life

So i figured it was time that I started a blog. This blog entry may be fairly long because it's my first. So first let me give those of you who don't know me personally some history, although some of it is mentioned in my profile. My husband Matt and I have been married almost 7 years. We have a 6 year old, Tobias Gabriel, who we call Tobi. Tobi was born September 8th, 2002, at 26.4 weeks and weighed 2 lbs and 3 oz. He was born in 59 minutes from the time we arrived at the hospital, pulled the parking ticket out, and they pulled him out emergency c-section. At the time, it was unknown why Tobi was born so early. I had been followed by the high risk Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors at UAB due to a rare (only about 600 cases in the world) metabolic muscle disease I have that is predominantly diagnosed only in males. All I could do for Tobi throughout those long days and nights, (108 days in the NICU to be specific) was to pump breast milk, which I did for 15 months. The doctors and nurses call it "liquid gold" for all babies, but especially preemies. Statistically, the survival rate order is black females, black males, white females, white males, so they call the white males, "wimpy white boys", but we have a different label, our miracle son of God. Tobi was discharged from UAB Hopsital 3 days before Christmas. It was the best Christmas present ever! Tobi's had 10 surgeries primarily due to the BPD (Bronchopulmonary displesia) lung disease, and secondary, due to being born so early. He has bilateral sensorineural hearing loss and wears hearing aids, but is not deaf, and has been aided since 13 months. It's all he knows. The are his "ears". He is extremely bright, and most who meet him, would have never guessed he was so tiny at birth.

So, with Tobi being in and out of the hospital for weeks at a time for the first 4 years of his life, we waited to have more children. Finally in 2007 we were ready and conceived in December. This time my OB would also put me on progesterone shots at 16 weeks that are given weekly, sub muscular, until 36 weeks. UAB did a research study that showed the shots reduced premature births by 30%. So along with that, and extra folic acid, we hoped and prayed we would not have another preemie, especially another micro preemie. Everything seemed to be going great throughout my pregnancy. We found out the week after Mother's Day 2008 that we were having a girl and we were thrilled. Tobi, (who's middle name, Gabriel, means "messenger") was not surprised and had told us all along that he wanted to see his baby sister. Over the next couple of weeks I had some concerning symptoms and was seen at the maternity triage for some premature labor, but nothing progressed. However, they were concerned I seemed to be dilated 2 cm at 20 weeks. My OB decided he would see me weekly to make sure nothing progressed. The next week, no change. Then Memorial Day weekend, everything changed. Tobi and I attended the annual UAB NICU reunion on Saturday, which we hadnt been to since he was 2. It was nice to see the faces of doctors and nurses that had been God's hands in saving Tobi's life. Little did we know, some of them would become family to us once again. Then Sunday night, at 23.2 weeks, I woke up to go to the bathroom and felt my pajama bottoms damp. It wasn't a good sign. My water hadn't broken, but by the time we go to the hospital, I was dilated 8 cm and had not had the first labor pain or contraction I'd experienced with Tobi for over 12 hours. So finally it was clear, my diagnosis was an "incompetent cervix". They did everything they could do to delay the inevitable delivery. I was given steroids, antibiotics, and magnesium. After 12 hours, it was decided that due to risk of infection, our tiny precious baby girl, we had named Layah, was to be born at 23.3 weeks. None of us knew if she would live once born, but we knew all the risk and challenges of having a micro preemie, and the fact she was female, was on our side. This birth was very different than Tobi's. With both our children, we've never been able to experience the joy of hearing our babies cry when delivered. Layah was taken by the neonatal team to the NICU, where my husband was taken while I recovered shortly. Layah Faith Shelfer was born Monday, June 2nd, 2008 at 3:18 pm, and weighed 1 lb and 4 oz and was 11 inches long. Her eyes were still fused shut, but my family said that as with Tobi, she looked like her daddy. Layah was on very little oxygen, which was completely different that the first 2 weeks of Tobi's life. They warned us about the likely deterioration after 48 hours, but Layah did not. She was a fighter, and was doing great. As with Tobi, I pumped to give her what I was able to give Tobi. But by Saturday morning, things were not as good. We were told Layah was bleeding a bit, and she'd been given multiple blood products. As we watched that afternoon, her heart rate dropped drastically and we almost lost her. The neonatologist stabilized her and I told my husband I could not bare to be on this roller coaster of up and down, so close to death and then back. By 11 pm that night, as my best friend Joy and I were visiting with her in the nursery, Layah took a turn for the worse, and I was told to call my husband back up to the hospital, along with any family I wanted to be present. Surrounded by my family and 2 closest friends who are like sisters to me, we held Layah for about 2 hours before I felt her tiny body express to me, "Mom, it's okay. Let me go to Him". She was to be heavily sedated, but she grasped the ET tube and appeared to pull. We let her go around 2am. Our UAB NICU family was wonderful to us. They took her and cleaned her up and dressed her in a handmade pink dress that fit her tiny 1 lb body. I will never be able to smell baby lotion the same again. We allowed them to take pictures, which at the time was very morbid and weird to me, but now, they are what I cherish. We buried Layah on June 11, 2008, which happened to be on the day that my mom's 2 year old brother Ronnie, (who Layah was to be buried behind) had died of the croup, in the 40's. Our family does not believe in "coincidences". Another important date, was that my grandfather, buried next to them, died on his 80th birthday, September 26th, and that was my due date with Layah. The summer was very difficult for me, but God revealed His heart to me in ways I'd never experienced before, nor could have ever, any other way. I don't understand it, dont like it, but I do know that His ways are not our ways, and He has a plan. I feel Layah was spared so much from the earth. I mean, she will never know heartache, disappointment, sadness, sickness, etc. Of course, we see her 6 days of life, as a short time, but in actuality, all of our lives, even if we live to be a 100, are but a breath when in relation to eternity.I still miss her terribly and think of her many times throughout each day, and will strive to live a life that makes her and our Heavenly Father proud. I look forward to the day when I can counsel and support other moms who will walk this path of losing a baby. It's comforting to have someone who understands your pain and can just let you cry, be angry, or remaniss about the life, however short, of her child. I also look forward to one day, after we have all of our children, (even one we hope to adopt from China), becoming a pediatric nurse. So, that's the "summarized" version!! Now let me catch you up to date.

We are expecting again, Praise the Lord! I will be 10 weeks tomorrow, and happened to be home with a sick little guy today. Tobi has a nasty stomach bug and since he had the fundoplycation, (reflux surgery), he's not able to vomit, so you can imagine. He'll retch and gag and retch, but nothing, everything ends up coming out the other end. As they say, as mom's work is never done. I wasnt sure if I was ready to start this blog, since I only had 2 entries with Layah's blog, but I wanted to act in faith, and document our journey through this pregnancy that will, (and already has been), so different. They say every pregnancy is different, and boy is that true. With Tobi and Layah, I had a little bit of morning sickness, but only for about a week, and it was very mild. I did not have any migraines with Tobi, but had at least a handful of bad headaches a week with Layah from about 10-18 weeks. Well, the nausea is worse, this time. It started at 6 weeks-very early compared to the previous 2, and has lasted about 4 weeks, but I seem to be turning the corner on that, but the headaches have begun. I feel like I've already started showing, which I know is very early, and I was in awesome shape from all the workout classes I was doing 4-5 times a week. Oh well, I'm ready, boy am I-we are ready. I go for my next OB apt next Tuesday, and we plan to do the cerclage sugery-where they will stitch up the cervix- the 27th of March, Friday. I am very encouraged, and will share with you the signs around that the Lord has continued to provide, as hope. For those of you who do not know those experiences, I will also later share the visions I feel God revealed to me, weeks before Layah, and months after Layah. I've only experienced this about 4 times in my life.

I hope this blog to be a documentation of life given, after a life taken, and also, that it will continue to help me grieve for Layah, and encourage other moms who've experienced a similar loss. Start praying, if you've not already, as we have a long road ahead!

Faithfully His,

Mika